Healing from Our Regrets

Recently, I posted the following question on Exhale’s facebook page:

“Hearing from women who regret their abortion, is probably one of the toughest calls we get. An abortion isn't something you get to do-over. How have you healed from something you regret?”

I was surprised to find that rather than talk about regret in a more general sense, many of our community members decided to write about their experiences healing from regrets about an abortion experience. 

Sophia wrote:

“I am one of those women. I am (hopefully) toward the end of a long process of grieving. I have decided that rather than try to convince myself I don't regret this decision, I need to recognize that sometimes I screw up, and that this is something I may always regret, but something I have learned from. Abortion regret in particular is tricky. Many of us go through the same exact unexpected symptoms after an abortion, including, but not limited to, regret. It's interesting to sort out regret from some of the other feelings that can accompany it, such as sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, fear of not getting pregnant again, etc. Expressing your regret through talking, writing, tattooing, breaking dishes, songwriting, sobbing, or treating yourself extra-well are all good options. Expressing your regret by treating yourself badly (not eating, etc.) happens sometimes, it cannot be denied. But obviously, that only makes it harder to heal in the long run, and it's not an effective means of self-expression to others. Don't wallow in your regret, liberate and express it!”

Elizabeth wrote:

“I experienced a bit of regret after an abortion. Later, I reflected that my sense of regret- came from the emotion of astonishment at my all-too-human fallibility. I think U2 wrote a song about that sense of astonishment- the gap between best intent and and actual outcome…It's called "I Fall Down.”

Jessica wrote: 

“I am also one of "those women" who regret terminating. I was 22 at the time and now at 38, am facing the possibility of not having a biological child due to mental health issues. I knew the moment I checked in for my appointment all those years ago that I was making a decision that was going against my heart. I had a lack of resources, a lack of confident, and support. But it just never felt right. And never has since then. Since that time I have worked through the grief by painting and writing and being vocal about my process and decision. Shortly after my abortion, I put a bowl of marbles out - and every year I add to the bowl, its become a ritual each year. It reminds me to play and not be so hard on myself. I would have a 16 year old now - I know I would have been a great mom. Had I had a place like Exhale to call - I think my life would have turned out very different.”

Sammie wrote:

“I am one of those who regret it. I’m only 17 and it hasn’t been a year yet. I made a mistake but don’t we all? I still regret my decision and I’ll always have that "what if" but I’ve learned as time goes on the only way your going to move on is to forgive yourself. Since I had an abortion it changed me for the better. I’m more careful about the decisions I make, I work harder in school, and I can help someone who is thinking about an abortion or already had one. The best way that has got me through it was talking to someone and getting involved, I’m a cheerleader for my school and staying busy always helps me. I plan on going to college and becoming an OB-GYN or a Mid Wife. I won’t only do this for myself but my spirit baby as well. I like to think its with god (idk if that sounds crazy) but it does help. I want to prove that my mistake wasn’t so bad, that I did want a better life for myself so one day I will become a mom and be able to give the best life I can for my kids :)”

Feelings of regret, like all feelings after abortion, deserve the opportunity to be heard, understood and supported. When we feel heard, we feel less stigmatized, less alone, and more capable of taking care of ourselves.  As these women’s stories so clearly demonstrate, acknowledging regret can be a first step towards healing; and healing can help a person move forward with new wisdom and understanding, along with new hope for the future.

For additional resources on healing from regret post-abortion, please visit our Resources page.   You can also join the conversation on our Facebook page or connect with our pro-voice community on Twitter.