Submitted by: Katie D.

I’ll start with the procedure. I doubted myself in the waiting room. I doubted myself during the ultrasound which I declined to view. I doubted myself but tried to “stay strong” and went through with the surgery no sedation.

I was given 2 shots in the cervix that made me feel terrible, sick and scared. Due to covid I had to wear a mask but begged to take it off, and they let me. It was painful during dilation and she offered to give another shot, but I declined due to the way it made me feel sick. The dilation was painful. The suction was loud and painful and a noise I’ll never forget. To be honest I’d label the experience for me as traumatic. I would highly recommend sedation if you choose abortion. It’s sketched in my mind so vividly and I can’t seem to shake it. My heart goes out to you all during these difficult times.

Hard Decisions

I’m listing the reasons why I aborted. Sometimes I feel they are not valid enough, not good enough reasons, not enough to warrant an abortion?

Please read.

Let me start with how I already have one beautiful amazing child. With her father I was in a terribly abusive relationship but I still kept her. And I love her so much. This is why I feel so guilty aborting my second pregnancy because the man I’m with now is amazing. How could I keep the one with an abusive dad (out of the picture now) and love her but give up the one with a great man?

My relationship now moved to quickly. He and his 2 kids ( 7 & 3) moved in with me and my 6 year old daughter after just 3 months of dating. The next month we found out I was pregnant. Everything was happening so quickly for all of us.

How could I go from one child to having 4 children all in one year? It wouldn’t be fair to the kids who are already adjusting to new siblings, parent figures, and routines. How could we afford 4 children? We’d have to buy 2 new cars as neither of ours are big enough to seat 4 kids. The house is too small. 3 tiny bedrooms for 5 of us, and now a baby too? Where? Would we have to buy a new house? Can we even afford one?

The kids we have now don’t even sleep through the night. Someone or multiples are waking up nearly every night sometimes multiple times crying or coming to our bed. How could we possibly add a newborn schedule to that? I’m already exhausted. Adjusting to 3 children in the house has been difficult enough. I’m not ready for a 4th yet.

I need time. I want to be married. I want someone to love me for me. Marry me for me not because we had a baby and they feel like they have to or it’s the right thing. I didn’t want to feel trapped or stuck so quickly. We weren’t together long at all. What about the judgement of others? I didn’t want people to think I was a whore. Having 2 kids out of wedlock. What if we didn’t work out? How could I bare to not be there for all the milestones? How could I possibly be a single mom of 2? I could never afford that. On top of all of that, Covid happened.

I was stuck at home with the 3 amazing kiddos every day all day while I was so extremely sick. Constantly nauseous. Throwing up nearly every day. Pretending I was ok. I had to potty train one and home school the other two while being sick. I didn’t know when I’d return to work. I didn’t know and still don’t know when covid will be gone and how it will affect us. How could I bring the baby into this.

What if I caught covid while pregnant bc I work in a germ filled day care? My baby that I have now needs me as her abusive father is not around. My bonus kids need me as their mother is not around. I just felt like this wasn’t the time. How could I tell my family I was pregnant again? My friends? My coworkers? My students’ parents? All knowing I’d be having my second child unwed. And so early on in a relationship.

I aborted a little past 10 weeks. Oh the guilt I feel. I went to a prenatal appt at 8 weeks and saw the beautiful ultrasound. Oh how I loved that little bean. My words were “aw its so cute”. Which were also my words When my first baby was born although I used she and not it. I’ll never know if it was a boy or girl.

A few days after the ultrasound The doctor called me to tell me my Pap smear was abnormal. I have hpv and need a biopsy done. The thought of possible cervical cancer terrified/terrifies me. Reading online and thinking it could get worse scared me. Thinking hpv could affect my baby, although it typically doesn’t, terrified me. How could I do that to my child? What if it is cancer and they can’t treat bc I’m pregnant? It’s probably not, but what if?

My babies I already have need me. So many thoughts and feelings go through your body. Such a hard decision to make. My boyfriend and I are still together. Almost 8 months now and I truly love him and feel that he loves me. It’s good to know he was with me bc of me. I don’t have the baby now so I know he’s here for me really. But now that I know I can’t help but feel guilt. I think we will make it together so maybe we should have just had that baby. I shouldn’t care what people think or what judgements they have. I question my decision.

To be honest I wish I could have my baby back. They never did an ultrasound after the appt so I feel that I have no real closure. No idea if it’s still there or not. I’m still bleeding 2 1/2 weeks later and I don’t know why. I know it’s not healthy but sometimes I wonder if it’s still alive in there. I pray to god that it’s still in there and healthy. I try and try to find a heart beat on the Doppler other than my own. I’m assuming it’s not there because they are usually successful and boobs have gone back to normal, but damn, how I wish it could be there. I miss it so much. I would cherish it greatly.

Maybe I’m just in denial. Time will tell if I made the right decision. Time will heal, right? I hope so. Love to you all. Last but not least I still need to get the biopsy done. I don’t know how my original obgyn feels about abortion and I didn’t tell her or my plans. Do I go back to her and get the biopsy and tell her I had an abortion? Do I go back to the abortion clinic and have it done there? Can I handle being in either of those places again? I just don’t know.

Ryan/Ryann

To my beautiful baby whom I dearly miss. I love you so much and I will forever hold you in my heart. I am so incredibly sorry for the decision I made. If I could take it back I would. As little as you are I hope you can sometime understand all the reasons that led to this decision. Between the newer relationship, moving to fast, the other kids, the house, the cars, the insurance, the money, future dreams, the pandemic, the judgements. I hope you can forgive me. Those reasons make it sound like you’d be a burden, but you wouldn’t.

I am so sorry. Looking back, those things mean nothing compared to your little life. I am so sorry. You are beautiful, you are loved, and you are forever in my heart. I am so sorry. Mommy will always love you and I can’t wait to meet and hold you one day in heaven.

♥