Submitted by: Violet
It’s been 32 weeks since my abortion at 8 weeks, so naturally all I can think about is the baby I could have been having any day now. I feel numb.
For many weeks after the abortion I cried a lot, now not so much but that doesn’t mean I’m any less sad. I am just trying to live with it and move on, but sometimes I’m not sure it’s possible. I know I made the right choice for everyone around me, but I can’t help but wonder if I made the right choice for myself.
I found out I was pregnant during my last semester of college. I knew I did not want to spend the rest of my life with the boy who got me pregnant and I knew the emotional strain it would have on everyone around us, especially me. So I did what I did and made the hardest decision I’d ever have to make. I failed two classes in the process and honestly thought I would never be the same again.
Now I am graduated, I have a good job I enjoy and I’ve met new people I love and I know I never would have met if I kept the baby, but not a day goes by when I don’t question the decision I made. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away but I pray every day that one day it will all make sense. That I’ll find the man I want to spend forever with and have children who will fill this hole in my heart.
Sometimes I just wish I had someone to talk to about this. I know my friends don’t understand and never will so I don’t bring it up. To people who don’t go through this, they think that once the abortion happens everything goes back to normal. They don’t realize the emotional trauma that really comes along with it. Some days I want to scream and cry and others I smile with a sigh of relief. My brain really is confused. Does it ever get easier? Will I think about it every day for the rest of my life? I hope one day I get answers. I hope it’ll get easier and I hope that every woman out there who feels like I do will eventually get their answers too.
I feel just like you. It’s been almost a year and have all the same mixed feelings you describe and wonder if I’ll feel like that forever too. This weekend, actually this very night, marks the first anniversary of when I got pregnant, and in another 6 weeks will be 1 year since my abortion. I felt like you did when my due date came and went. I pray that with time, we will both continue to heal. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had an abortion in late March of this year and my due date for that pregnancy has just passed. I share in so many of your feelings: the constant presence of thoughts about the abortion and the baby I would now have, the emotional ups and downs, the deep confusion. I also share the feeling that I can’t really talk about what I’m going through with the people in my life, which has made the months since the abortion very lonely. I’m sending you love and support, and hoping that you feel some of the comfort you have given me by validating my experience. Hang in there and know you’re not alone xx
Thank you for sharing your story. You validated so many of my ugly and confusing feelings that I couldn’t help but burst out into tears. Thank you for being you and being so open to talking about your experience. I wish you the same love and light you hope to see happen for others, because you are also deserving! You have helped me more than you can imagine and I am so thankful. May your journey forward be full of strength and understanding!