Submitted By: Yani

My period was late, at first, I didn’t worry because its happened before because of stress and I thought this was no different, but I decided to take a test just to ease my mind. It only made things worse. All three sticks read positive. I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it to be quite honest. I didn’t feel anything at first, maybe because I was numb, or maybe because I was in denial.

I told my boyfriend as soon as he got home from work. I don’t exactly know what I expected, but it sure wasn’t what he told me. Without hesitation, he told me that I should get an abortion. He explained that with his career picking up because he got into the police academy and with me just recently graduated from college, we weren’t in a position to have a baby — that the timing was all wrong and that this was the best option. And trust me, I knew all of this, but I guess I was secretly hoping he would jump at the news of us having a baby. That he would somehow pick me up and kiss me passionately and tell me how exciting this news was. It would’ve been a bittersweet moment, but that we would make it through this.

Silence overtook me. I let myself get carried away and think of an alternative future where we decided to have this baby — how I would have my friends throw me a baby shower and everything that comes with the joys of being pregnant. I know it was stupid to do that but I let my emotions get the best of me which made me upset that he could decide so quickly without any emotion or thought about it. But I knew he was right, it just took me a while to come to terms with the decision.

Because we live in separate towns and he just started the academy, he wasn’t able to accompany me to any of the doctor visits. I wanted to be mad at him, and a part of me resented him for not being there, but how could I stay mad when we live two hours away from each other and he was busy with his career, something he’s tried so hard to achieve for so long. I felt like a bother to him, and that’s part of the reason we drifted apart.

My first visit to planned parenthood was nerve-wracking but at least I had my best friend there with me to hold my hand. I was told I was 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Hearing how far along I was, I broke down. I couldn’t handle all of these emotions and I cried so hard in front of my doctor and friend. My friend held me and told me that whatever I decided to do she would support me. As much as I wanted to change my mind about the abortion, I knew it would be even harder to have this baby by myself, seeing as I wouldn’t have my boyfriends support. The doctor showed me the ultrasound and I could see this tiny egg growing inside of me. I couldn’t believe that we had created this life. I sent a picture to my boyfriend. Once again, I was hoping for him to text me back and tell me that he’s changed his mind and that no matter what happens we could raise this baby by ourselves and that it would be alright. But all I got was silence. I was furious with him, I began thinking about all the people I know my age (22) that have had kids and how well they’re doing for themselves and their families. I was mad at myself for getting my hopes up and by putting myself in this situation. I felt so stupid and alone.

When my second visit came around I took the pill. I thought “there’s no going back so you better be sure this is what you want.” I swallowed it and went home. The next day was probably the worst day of my life. I was reading articles about how the pain is different for everyone but that it just ultimately feels like a heavy period. If only that were true for me. There was so much blood, I sat on the toilet and I watched it all come out of me. Tears were coming down my face and I had to be quiet because no one in my family knew what I was going through. They’re very religious people, and if I had told any of them I’m sure I wouldn’t be living at home right now. The amount of pain I was in was extremely intense. I was nauseous, dizzy and overall I felt like a monster. I hated myself for going through with it and I just wanted to make it all go away. I wanted to die. I felt so selfish for choosing me over my baby. And that was the first time I had said those words out loud “my baby.” I clutched my stomach and began to apologize to my baby. I know it may seem weird but I felt like I was losing a part of me and I wanted my baby to hopefully understand and forgive me for doing this to them. I cried myself to sleep but that didn’t last long because the cramps were too strong to tolerate. Every time I went to pee I couldn’t bring myself to look inside because I knew I would just lose it.

I’m so grateful to my two best friends who were constantly checking up on me and making sure I was doing alright. Its been three weeks now and I still think about everything that has happened. I have some good days but also really bad ones. I cry almost every night clutching a pillow and thinking about how this could’ve been me clutching my baby. I think about how I took a life and I cant fully come to terms with the decision I’ve made. It makes me worry about the future and how God may punish me in the future and I might never be able to get pregnant in the future. I picked my career over my baby and I will forever have to live with that. I try distracting myself by picking up extra shifts and going to my summer class as well as doing my observation hours. I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts because they make me feel horrible. I can’t tolerate seeing kids when I go out because it just makes me think about everything I did. I hate looking at my body because I just think about how different it would’ve been. I just want to crawl out of my own skin.

My heart is also broken. My boyfriend who I thought loved and cared for me was the least supportive person. When I asked him how he felt about the situation he said that he understands how I feel but that it doesn’t bother him. I know I’m more emotionally invested seeing as I’m the one who had to endure everything. But how could he say those words when we made this baby together. How could he just disregard everything like it was nothing? I decided to take a break from our relationship because I feel like I need to find myself outside of this relationship. I don’t really know how to move forward and heal.