Submitted by: Kayla
This is such a difficult situation that I never predicted I would choose to make. Having one child already makes this decision easier and more difficult simultaneously.
I think about the fact that the once growing child in my stomach when I wasn’t ready to parent, is now a two year old with his own personality who has bought so much love into my heart. But I also think about how scrambled my life still is being young (22) figuring things out, trying to get my finances together, trying to clear the mind clutter to parent as intentionally as possible for the child I already have. And I think, sure I can manage to raise this other child, but it won’t be to the best of my ability.
I also think about the fact that the father is someone who to me, is a narcissist who’s already planning to be less than involved because I don’t want to be with him any longer, and who is about to leave me, again, financially responsible for our child that we already have all because he’s pouting that I don’t want to be with him.
I keep saying that I don’t see why I’d take myself down this more difficult path if I don’t absolutely have to, but at the same time this is a real life, which I can’t ignore because I’ve already brought life into this world and know what pregnancy means. I can’t water it down in my head like I’m just removing an embryo and a cluster of cells.
No, I know what those cells consist of, because I have a living breathing child in this world. But, is it also unfair and fair to my son to abort this child?
I imagine he’ll want a sibling, and I hope to eventually give that to him,
but isn’t it wrong for me to bring another child here and take away from what he could have emotionally, financially, and mentally, primarily because I don’t want to feel guilty?
My quote to myself right now that keeps ringing true is, when I think from what my life is now, then I feel as though I should keep this child. When I think about what I ultimately want for my life, I know that I shouldn’t keep this child. Coincidentally, after I shared this thought with my mom, I saw a random post on Facebook that said “make decisions for your life based on where you want to be, not where you are in life right now”, and how could I not take that as a sign?
I’ve never lived for me, done anything truly fun, taken chances. Nothing. I’ve only dated and had sex with my child’s father. And I feel like living in this bubble is what I’ll keep doing by having another kid just because I feel obligated to. I know I will feel so horrendous once I terminate this life and realize that I can’t turn back, but I will feel this child is a burden if I keep it, and life will be hard for me until I’m able to get back on my feet — whenever that happens.
So I’m calling the women’s clinic tomorrow to schedule an appointment, and I’m going on a cruise a few months after that to escape my thoughts.
I hope this decision doesn’t ruin me.
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