8 years and counting

Submitted by: Ashley

In January 2011 my boyfriend and I became “official”. It was a bit awkward for our families because my blood uncle is married to his blood aunt. We snuck around for a while and in that time had unprotected sex. I was on birth control pills, but every once in a while I missed a day.

I started feeling nauseous and feverish around February, but I’ve always had irregular periods and get sick very easily, so I didn’t think much of it. I went to urgent care, took some blood and urine tests, and went on my way with a prescription for cold symptoms. Two days later I got a call while I was at work. It was a Friday afternoon, and an incredibly busy day. The doctor left a voicemail saying these exact words, “…Your urine sample came back and tested positive for pregnancy, so you are pregnant…”

I was in shock and felt cold all over. Tears started to roll down my face. I tried to finish my shift as quickly as possible so I could go home and call my boyfriend to tell him about it. I couldn’t tell my mom. She was probably the one person I should have told, but I didn’t. She would’ve been angry and judgmental.

I called the baby’s dad and I told him I was scared and wanted to have an abortion. He was sad, but supportive throughout the entire thing. I went to planned parenthood and found out I was 6 weeks along and that I could do the oral form before the 8 weeks, but after that I would have to get a surgical abortion. I didn’t even think about it. I consulted with the doctor, took the pills, and had the abortion exactly one day before the 8 weeks.

When it was over, I felt relief and guilt…It’s been 8 years and I still think about it every day. I think about what my baby would look like, how old they would be, and how our lives would be day to day.

Eventually my boyfriend and I broke up. I recently saw him on New Year’s Eve and I got sad when I saw him with his two babies. They’re beautiful. He has a two year old and a 1 month old. It brought back old feelings about my baby and I realize I still haven’t had closure. I feel like I should talk to him and get closure, but I’m afraid he’ll say no or that it will make things worse.

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