A Glimpse of us

clouds representing that it was all a dream

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Natalie

I think we all would never imagine ourselves in this situation, but here I am. I am a 30-year-old female who had an abortion a few days ago. I am married and have a wonderful spouse. At the time I am in graduate school and unemployed. I thought I missed my period as it is normal for me to miss a month. Looking back I do not see how I did not realize sooner especially because the breast tenderness and pain was bad.

When I took a test and said the two red lines my heart dropped, and tears immediately began. I did not know what we would do as I have two years left of my program and no where close to finishing my career. We both have talked about how cruel the world can be, so we did not know if we ever wanted to bring a child into this world. I selfishly persisted in saying my that I could not give up my career which he supported whatever my decision would be.

As I called the doctor, I was referred to Planned Parenthood and at my appointment I was told I was 6 weeks. I was informed of my options and opted for the pill. My experience with cramping, nausea, and vomiting were not as severe as others experience. I laid in bed that night with much regret and a burning sensation in my stomach.

Now days later, the pain I feel is something I could never have prepared for. I am filled with anger, regret, selfishness for putting myself first. I am stuck on the what if moments and what could have been. I did not want to have any remorse towards my child for “keeping me from my career” so at the moment I felt this was the right decision. If I ever wanted a child, I wanted to do it at a point in my life where we were both stable and financially able to afford a child. I have never cried so much in my life that I sadly feel this is the pain I have to go through in order to heal from my decision.

I hope one day I will forgive myself and this page has been nothing but great support. I gave up my motherhood this day which I will never be able to take back and I do not know if I can ever get pregnant again. I do not wish this one anyone and it is not easy, but I hope my story helps someone as it is not easy, and it never will be. I have no one to talk to this about other than my spouse due to fear of judgement and people thinking less of me.

It is a dark and lonely place in my life, and I wish I can take it all back. I wish I did not rush and gave it more time, but I knew the longer I waited the more time I would not want to go through with the procedure. Though at the moment I cannot heal I hope one day in the future I will heal. It will be a long journey I hope I can manage. I dream of what you are and could have been have I not been selfish.

To my summer baby:
I hope one day you can forgive me
Summers will come and go but your memory remains
Years will go by, and I will always remember you.
If I ever find peace again I hope it is from your forgiveness

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2 responses to “A Glimpse of us”

  1. B

    This is such a similar story to mine . I’m recently 31 now and with an amazing man who we both love each other . I never thought I could get pregnant and been seeing a endocrinologist due to high prolactin but then my period didn’t come in October . Was supposed to come on my birthday . Didn’t think anything of it until the littlest thing sent me into tears and anger. Took a test and those two lines that I’ve never seen in my life showed up and I hyperventilated and panicked. I also wanted to finish my career in nursing and know that would be something I would have to give up. My baby would also be due in the summer and I will forever be reminded of the one thing I wanted most but not at the right time. Now shame, guilt and regret have set in and i don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.

    1. A

      Guys I’m literally in the same boat. 31 with a new amazing partner but just not the right time. I’m trying to make peace with all of this but I was in tears every single day and became very depressed. Just trying to make peace with all of this

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