Submitted by: Cecilie
Please don’t be upset with me, I did it for me and daddy. I know it sounds so selfish but I was scared, alone, and had no support. I think about you all the time. I always wonder what you would have looked like. Would you have looked like me? Would you have looked like your father? Would you have those big beautiful brown eyes, or chocolate dark skin like me and daddy.
Most nights I dream of you, you come in my dreams in all white, you touch my face with your tiny hand as I am down on my knees. You look at me in my eyes and say “mommy, I’m okay, God is watching me until you get here”. I cry when you walk away and take tiny steps into the white light. I want to hold you, I want to feel you. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to my first mind telling me to keep you.
I loved you from the moment I heard of your presence, but mommy wasn’t ready and daddy was just as lost as I was. I know you heard me crying at night… did you hear me? Did you feel me rubbing you? Telling you I love you? I can imagine your laugh if I tickled you all over. I can hear your cries from a fall. I can hear a coo and see your bare smile when I make funny faces. I can smell you.
Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for ending a precious life before it begun? You would have been 10 years old by now. Now that I think about it, I could have made it work. You coming into this world wasn’t a curse or a burden, but a beautiful intricate gift from god. Mommy got help from your loss. I tried so hard to forget you but you remained in my mind, in my heart. No amount of medication or therapy would keep me from you, it didn’t matter what I did, you were always on my mind — in the morning when I would wake, until the evening when I would close my eyes.
At night i pray that when I leave this world I can go straight to heaven to see you. If you see me in heaven will you recognize me? Mommy has healed and it took a lot of work on my end to come to terms with aborting you. Now all I can do is hope and pray that I will be blessed with another intricate gift from god, your brother or sister. Even though I never had the chance to meet you, I love you like I would if you were here.
Thinking of you daily, love always
– Your Mommy