A Mother’s Grief

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Jay

I am writing this post to educate women about abortions and to finally speak out about my own abortion.

I found out I was pregnant on January 2020 (I was 22 years old). My boyfriend of almost 2 years and I had gone to Target and picked out 3 pregnancy tests. When we drove back to his house, I anxiously took the first test in the bathroom while he waited outside the door.

After what seemed like forever, I looked down at the test and screamed at the positive results. My boyfriend came running in with his eyes wide and asked what was wrong. “I’m pregnant!” I screamed. In our shock, we both fell to the floor and cried out “Oh my god, oh my god, no, no, no.”

We both didn’t say anything for a while and then finally I said “I don’t believe it.” So, I took the last two tests and they both read positive. Initially, we had decided to keep the baby and were both very excited, but I began to have second thoughts. I worried that the baby would not have a good life because I didn’t have a car, a stable job, or my own place. I was also struggling a lot with mental health issues and with healing from past trauma.

My boyfriend didn’t have his own place or a stable job either. And yet, I liked being pregnant. I liked having a bloated tummy, sore breasts, a sensitive sense of smell, and light nausea in the mornings, and I felt tremendous love for my baby. However, after talking to my boyfriend and my counselor, I decided to get a medical abortion at 6 weeks. The decision didn’t come easy and I cried a lot. I lay in bed holding my tummy and whispering that I was sorry to my baby.

When I was 7 weeks I went into Planned Parenthood to take my first round of medication. This first round would stop my pregnancy from developing further. I felt really anxious and nauseous the whole time I was there. When the nurse called my name I hesitantly followed her so she could do a brief check-up on me. When she did my ultrasound I asked if she could print me a copy and she did.

I went back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor. The doctor called me into a room and handed me my first round of pills. He watched me take the pills then had me drink some water to chug them down. Then, he sent me home with my second dose of pills. He explained that those pills would abort the baby and that I should take them after 24 hours. I spent the night at my boyfriends and took them at his house.

At first I felt fine, but then I felt the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. I was shaking uncontrollably, gasping, and spitting up. My boyfriend did his best to soothe me and convinced me to take ibuprofen. When I did, I instantly felt a little bit better. Next came the intense cramps and blood clots. Those were the worst. I had to run to the restroom a lot and feel clot after clot come out. I also had to wear jumbo pads for the bleeding. The bleeding lasted about 2 weeks but was only heavy and crampy for 1-3 days.

Now I struggle a lot with feelings of guilt, emptiness, regret, and grief. I believe abortion is a personal choice, and personally I would never choose to get another one again. In my opinion, The pain of losing my baby and not having him here is worse than the pain I would’ve endured if he had been born, and the pain that I faced during my medical abortion.

I write him letters, I pray for him, I wear a necklace dedicated to him, but this does nothing to ease the aching in my heart and soul. I yearn to see his face, to hold his little body in my arms, and to hear his little coo’s. I believe that one day his little soul will return in the form of another baby of mine, but until then I will continue to send him love in letters and in prayers.

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2 responses to “A Mother’s Grief”

  1. K.

    Dear J,
    I know how you feel. I wish I didn’t and I wish you did not know this feeling either. At least you’ve got something to look forward to when the time is right.
    Take good care of yourself now.

  2. Anon

    I’m so so sorry for your loss. No one can know the pain of abortion until they go through it themself. It’s far worse than I ever imagined.. the regret and the longing for your baby.. it’s heartbreaking, my deepest sympathy to you. I’m suffering too.

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