Submitted by: R H
I am a mother of a 2 and 4 year old. I love them more than anything in this world. However, being a mom to young kids hasn’t been easy. I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again when I found out I was pregnant with my second. My son was only 13 months old at the time. I did not enjoy that pregnancy at all and had postpartum anxiety after her birth. Things got much better but I feel like I have been parenting in a fog of exhaustion and feelings overwhelmed. Things have gotten easier though, as they have gotten older, and maybe this is why I thought I wanted a third. I also think I wanted a third to make up for the fact that I wasn’t able to enjoy my last pregnancy. I wanted to do it right this time.
Fast forward to last month, my husband and I weren’t really planning to have a third but I ended up pregnant. We were both nervous but excited at first. However, over the last few weeks, reality started to sink in. That same feeling of dread I had in my second pregnancy started to return. I remembered how hard it was and, can be still, to enjoy my kids when I am exhausted and overwhelmed. My postpartum anxiety the last time took a toll on my marriage too. My husband and finally realized that we were both thinking this baby was not the right decision. My kids just went back to preschool after months of juggling parenting and working. I felt like I could finally breathe again and could actually enjoy being a mother to them. I did not want to sacrifice that, not for me or for them.
Last week I came to the final decision that a third child would not be good for my mental health, my marriage or my ability to be the best mom to my other kids. I had a medical termination at 8 weeks and my heart breaks over and over again everyday. I wonder who this baby would have been. Would it have been different this time? Made us happier? How can I love my other kids and have just thrown this one away? I worry I will never feel whole again and I will feel sadness forever. I hope this isn’t true since I have two kids that need me. Hearing from other mothers who have made the same choice is the only thing that gets me through. I hope someone reads this and reaches out. I need to feel hope that I will be able to move forward.