A planned pregnancy, an unexpected abortion

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: L V

I waited over 38 years before trying to get pregnant and I have not read a story like mine.

I was told a few years ago by a doctor that I was going to have early menopause, like my mom. My hormone levels were more typical of a woman who was 45, not 35. The doctors that I should try to get pregnant right away, but I was in a new relationship of less than a year at the time.

I waited 3 years until my boyfriend agreed to start trying with me. He had been dragging his feet with other things. We looked at engagement rings and wedding gowns, but he didn’t buy me a ring. When I found a wedding gown I liked, he was upset and didn’t want me to put a deposit on it. When I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant 2 months into trying (it felt like a medical miracle), he was immediately angry.

He told me that trying with me was a mistake and he only tried because he “thought it wouldn’t work” given my hormone levels. He gave me two choices: 1) Have an abortion and he would pay to get us a therapist so that our relationship could improve, or 2) Have a baby, and he would spend his money on a lawyer and fight me for whatever custody rights he might have.

He refused to see a therapist with me while I was pregnant. He then abruptly stopped all contact with me without even telling me why. For nearly 4 weeks, I went back and forth between imagining I could have the baby and be a single mom and the idea of an abortion. I was hyper aware that I was pregnant, and scared of the physical process of pregnancy. I was saddened going home alone every night to an empty apartment with no supportive partner.

I went online looking for stories of women in similar situations, but everyone’s story is unique to them and no one had a story like mine. It was a difficult decision, but at 8 weeks and 5 days, I went to the doctor and had a D&E. It was scary, but the doctors and nurses were kind and compassionate. My elderly father drove me to the hospital. My dream was to be in a loving relationship and to have a child born out of love.

My heart and soul were crushed that I was not supported by my boyfriend. My therapist told me that all the red flags were there long before this happened; he was not committed despite frequently telling me that he was “100% committed to me”. I realize this may be my last chance to have a child, and my heart is saddened.

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2 responses to “A planned pregnancy, an unexpected abortion”

  1. Sheryl

    Dear L V, thank you for sharing. Your title strikes me. I had the same, and you let me know that I am not alone. Please let me give you a warm hug. Several weeks ago my heart broke even though I have a loving husband. I am already 42 and had been wishing to have a second child (we have a 13 year old). We tried for one and half years and had a miscarriage before this pregnancy. I was really happy about it. After experiencing morning sickness consistently (heavier than my first pregnancy) and my husband’s crazy work schedule, we started realizing that our situation may not be suitable for raising a baby any more: our finance, career stages, physical health conditions, our teenager, our ageing parents….. We even thought of the demand of supporting university education at retirement age…. and I was afraid of the idea that our older son may have to share the support to the younger one when he should be free of worries… I thought a lot, cried even more. I feel very very very sad, regret, guilty, ….. Out of despair, I found Exhale and your stories gave me love and strengths. We may not be the same as what we were before, but we can still be hopeful and live a good and meaningful life. You have a dad who really loves you. You have us. Take good care of yourself!

  2. Lesley M

    Dear L V, thank you for your bravery to share your story. Your story is uniquely yours, but we all share the same space. We are hear with you, holding space for you. Love and light to you LV. You are not alone.

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