I made my decision quickly. I was 20 years old, scared for my future and the life I had envisioned for myself since I was a little girl. The rush of emotions that flooded my body when I flipped over that test was indescribable: terror, anxiety, distress and panic all at once. I thought that once I went through with my abortion I would feel normal again. Like nothing had happened.
But during that week between finding out and taking the pills, I thought about my baby every single day. I imagined what life might have been like with them and what my life would be like afterward, as I tried to fully comprehend and wrap my head around what was happening inside me. After taking the pills, a new wave of emotions started to fill within me. Shame, regret, humiliation, guilt, depression.
I felt like I shouldn’t have had the right to take away someone’s life. A life that could have made a difference in the world and in mine. Every day, I grieve for the life that I should’ve been protecting, but didn’t. I mourn the fact that my first pregnancy was cut short and ended before it truly began; a special experience I will never have again.
I often wonder if I’ll always feel this way, or if, with time, the pain will fade. And if it does, will it ever return?
When I one day hold my first child in my arms, will I be overwhelmed with love, or will I fight back tears for the baby I never got to meet? Will the emptiness stay with me forever, or will I eventually find peace. I don’t want to forget my baby.
I just hope that one day I can come to terms with my decision, to understand that it was what I needed at that moment, and that my life simply wasn’t ready for such an immense change.