Submitted by: Laura

When I met the father of my baby, I was in a fairly bad mental state where I didn’t really know what I wanted and I was searching for anything that sparks happiness or fake happiness… it didn’t matter. We had months of unprotected sex, half of which I was on the depo shot.

I found out I was pregnant and I told him to which he replied “I’m not ready for this”. I didn’t want to force a child on anyone which looking back it’s not forcing if he was just as involved as I am but I digress. That day, I did not want anyone to come to the clinic with me. I knew I had to be numb to do. I did not want to talk. I did not want anyone asking me how I was. Because I was not okay, I was making the decision that was going to shatter me. I was not ready. Even when they called my name. I wanted to call my mom so bad and tell her I change my mind but she seemed relieved I chose to abort.

I did not want anyone to know that I had fallen in love with this baby. I thought of names, I bought clothes, I imagined a whole life for us. I even planned trips we would take once he/she is grown enough. I spent hours bonding with this baby and I was sitting across from a doctor with a pill in his hand and a paper cup on the table. He went over all the things he was legally required to say, I felt like he was muted. I couldn’t hear and I could not feel. I could just hear my baby. The heartbeat, the ultrasound. My precious baby.

He put the pill in my hand, I picked the cup and I swallowed the pill. That moment right there, I died. A part of me died. I have been an empty shell it feels like. The constant sadness, emptiness & loneliness. Grieving a baby most people were relieved to see gone. I cry for her. I have nightmares. I can’t go to sleep most nights. Sure, it may have been the sound choice for my future, but none of that matters. I don’t care for school anymore, I don’t have a solid plan for my life. I look at myself two years from now I couldn’t tell you what I’ll be doing. I know i’ll be missing my baby though. I feel like im existing in two worlds. One where she would be here in two months, and one where I’m stuck at constantly… the one where I gave her up. The one where I should have fought. In my case, I could have made it. I could have done it. Worst part, I’m so good with kids. People see me with kids and say “you will be such a good mom” and my heart tears into a million pieces. Because I was a mom. My child lived inside me for 10 weeks. Those 10 weeks I was all he/she had and I didnt fight. Instead, I let other people’s opinions sway me.

I wonder if I would have wanted the abortion from the jump would it hurt less? How do I explain to people that I’m still grieving? That sometimes I hold her clothes in my arms and sob till I cant breathe? How do I tell them that I lost someone? Everybody expects me to move on. Nobody talks about it. Its like taboo. We act as if it never happened. Except it did and it still feels like I’m sitting in that waiting room. The pain is so fresh. I can remember every cramp. I can remember driving home and realizing I couldn’t remember driving home at all. I was in robot mode. I was having an anxiety attack going 80 miles an hour on the highway and I didnt even notice till I got home and I realized I left this morning with my baby and never came with her.

It hurts. I just hope she knows I was never ready to let go & if I was given a second chance, I would never ever make that decision because nothing would be worse than what I feel now. That day my baby died, I died with her.