Submitted by: Faye

Hello dear friends,

I had my abortion in April 2020. I was 7 weeks. I had been with my boyfriend a little of a year at this point, and although we had talked about having children in the future, this was not the right time. I felt that in my bones.

I was probably five days late and thought to get a test just in case. My periods are pretty irregular so I didn’t think much of it. As soon as I saw the positive, I felt no sense of excitement, not like I always thought I would. I showed my boyfriend immediately. His honest response was that he wasn’t ready but would support me no matter what. I felt alone and so scared. I took a week to think on it and decided to go through with a medical abortion. I made my decision based on my own feeling, that I still hold true to this day.

The abortion itself was very painful. I had witnessed a couple live births in past years and compared the experience I had contractions. It came with waves, starting mild and then very painful. I would definitely recommend having someone there to help you. I have to say, that was the hardest experience of my life.

The days following, I felt very numb and decided to look into therapy. Though I was raised religious, I feel no attachment to religion. I am spiritual however, and was determined to have this be a meaningful experience (as odd as that sounds). I sought out a spiritual counselor who educated me on the history of abortions. She told me how long they’ve been around. That the ancient Egyptians, Romans and Persians used medicinal herbs and plants to end pregnancies. This practice has been around for a long time. She also gifted me with the Hawaiian prayer:

“I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you”

Those simple phrases truly carried me through when the emotions hit hard. They still do. I took a full moon night to myself just days after the abortion and recited this. I took time with each phrase. I wanted to make an awful situation beautiful, somehow.

It’s hard to find strength in such a controversial topic. It’s the one thing you really can’t talk to everyone about. It feels similar to losing someone. For me it was a grieving process that I had to set intentional time aside for. It is still hard some days but I try and surround peace around that part of my life.

You will be okay. Therapy is so wonderful. Be picky if you choose a therapist. Recite mantras. Find a quiet space and devote that time to the “entity”, or whatever you call “it” in your head. It might not be what works for everyone, but it might for someone.

The lady at planned parenthood also said something that solidified my decision. I asked her if people often regret getting an abortion. She said, “Sometimes, but sometimes people regret not getting one too”. That’s stuck with me.

I am still with my boyfriend today. I held resentment for him for a good while but was able to talk to him about it through therapy. I needed him to know how alone I felt, how hard it was, and how heartbroken I was.

My heart is with you. This is not easy. Just take each day at a time.