Ball of nerves

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: S

Tomorrow I plan on having an abortion via the surgical method. I’m 26 years old and a mother of a 16 month old girl. My daughter’s father and I are not in a relationship and never have been, just good friends hanging out and hooking up.

When I told him I was pregnant with our daughter I knew immediately I wanted to keep it, I should mention that I am a cancer survivor. Went thru the whole chemo and radiation shit at 23, lost all my hair ya know the usual. My doctors could never assure me the chemo didn’t mess with my fertility so when I got pregnant I just knew this was my chance.

He wanted me to get an abortion — said he wasn’t ready. When I told him I already had my mind made up, he said he would be present. Fast forward our daughter is one and he is a good present father, even though he’s made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship we kiss hook up he spends time with us like a family.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I called him right away. He asked me what I wanted to do because the first time it happened, he knows he made me mad mentioning the abortion after I told him my mind was made up. I told him that we have one child that we are caring for, and bringing another one into the situation was not fair. Our daughter is so young and we are so attached I felt as though I couldn’t do that to her. I heard the relief in his voice.

I honestly did not want to bring another child into what was not a loving relationship, I mean I love him but we just aren’t together. I called a couple places and found one that was giving special pricing due to the pandemic if you qualified. They basically asked me questions that all had the same tone “I’m broke and single” so therefore I qualified. I had to pick up a consent form no later than 24 hours before my appointment, when I went to pick it up there were protestors outside saying “they kill babies” and urging me not to go in there.

When I came out with the form they knew what it was and said please don’t come back, I felt so sad and cried. I initially wanted the pill procedure however after reading so much on it I realized I’d rather have it over and done with. I feel so exhausted, I’m almost 7 weeks along and I couldn’t imagine doing this for 9 months while caring for my daughter. I feel anxious, scared pain-wise, worried, apprehensive, and guilt just to name a few.

Idk why I feel so scared of the pain. I mean, I’ve battled cancer, surgeries, given birth, but this feeling is more overwhelming. There’s really no one I can talk to, I haven’t told anyone but a close friend and she knows I’m scared but I haven’t laid these thoughts on her. I’m so glad I found this safe space to share my feelings. Sometimes I think I’m feeling too much so I choose to stay silent. I’ve cried over this decision, grieved for this little thing growing in me that I can’t bear to think about without shedding a tear.

I know I’m making the right decision for my little family I just wish I didn’t have to make it all.

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