Closer to the breath of angels…

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Submitted by: Clouds Illusions

You have a five year old half sister. She wanted you, but she didn’t know that you briefly existed.

Your daddy is the most wonderful man on the face of the earth. He also wanted you.

But no one wanted you more than I did.

Your sister and I took frequent walks in the springtime. We found dandelion puffs. She would blow, watch the feathery white material waft in the breeze, and make a wish. I would do the same. Every time I made a wish, I wished for you. I was hoping you would be a mother’s or father’s day gift.

You appeared to be a father’s day gift. I found out that you were comfortably planted in my body on June 16th. I was so excited. I was thrilled that you were going to be ours.

As the weeks went by, our excitement turned into anxiety and fear. There is (an occasionally deadly) virus raging unchecked across the United States. When daddy and I were trying to make you, we knew it was there. We felt in control of the situation because we were able to do our jobs at home. We believed that by the time you were in my body and eventually born, the virus would not be hurting as many people.

After you were in my body, we started to realize that the virus was hurting more people. We also learned that despite this, we would more than likely have to start leaving our home to do our jobs again. We didn’t feel like we had control over our safety or yours anymore.

We have also been looking for a better place to live. We live in an apartment right now. It is o.k., but we want a house for you and your sister. We are having trouble finding the right house for all of us. There are not many houses to choose from right now due to the virus.

Your daddy and I talked and talked and talked about what we should do. We decided we could not let you be born when we don’t feel safe and secure and we are already worried about your sister.

I went to a clinic. Everyone there was incredibly kind, but I almost left and took you with me. I had trouble letting you go. Ultimately I decided your daddy and I were making the most logical choice for our earthly family and for you. I asked the medical staff to ‘put me to sleep’ during the procedure. As I nodded off I said goodbye to you. I asked you, and I am still asking you, to please come back to mommy someday. Someday when we can better control our safety. Someday when we can better control your safety. Someday when the world is hopefully its imperfect, crazy self, but a bit more normal than it is right now.

I wish I had left that place and taken you with me. We would have figured it out.

My best friend says you were closer to the breath of angels than that of a true baby. You are my angel, and I hope more than anything that we can truly meet again soon.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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3 responses to “Closer to the breath of angels…”

  1. K.

    I wish for the same! I wish I had left as well…
    What a touching letter. Thank you for posting it.

    1. Kathleen

      I wish I had left as well. At the point of the ultrasound when she confirmed I was 7 weeks, 4 days. I want to just jump back in time and get off that table and leave.

      This was so beautiful.


  2. Lex

    Dear Clouds Illusions,
    These words are so beautiful and powerful, all I can say is thank you for sharing them. They have really touched me.

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