Submitted by: Meg

I became close friends with a male co-worker and we began to hang out. Mid March we had sex after some drinks. I explained to him before hand I wasn’t on birth control. I told him I hadn’t been sexually active because I had to be very careful. I wanted another child one day, but not now. Sex wasn’t worth the risk, but I did it anyways. My life is not where I want it to be and have other struggles. He still didn’t use protection or even pull-out…. knowing all these things. It felt so intentional to me. Though I know I am equally to blame.

Confused after, I asked him why he did that because we had already had several conversations about me not being on birth control. I left his house upset. Yes, it takes two…. but I felt as if he had more control than I did over that situation.

I took a Plan B pill that failed to work. I took a PG test early April (in the middle of Covid) and it was positive. I broke down. I have children, I live with my parents and he and I were just acquaintances. I didn’t want to spend the next 18 years or so dealing with this guy.

I told him I was pregnant and how upset and angry I was. I lashed out at him even though it takes two. He was very excited and once we got off the phone he text me “I am not upset at all, actually I am happy as all get out.” At that point I felt trapped. He bragged to people at work about getting me pregnant also. He claimed “he won a prize.” I was terrified and hurt, I felt used.

I took Plan B because I knew then I didn’t want to chance raising a child with him. His reactions and the events that followed confirmed my choice to go to a clinic.

I chose the medical abortion. I took one pill at the clinic, went home and 24 hours took 4 more. I bled for 3 weeks some days light and some days heavy. I passed a lot of clots and tissue.

6 weeks later I am still having positive pregnancy tests. I have to go back in a few days for a possible surgical abortion because the pill may have failed. I’m so stressed, confused, scared and feeling so much regret. What if I am carrying a healthy baby at 11 weeks?

Until now I process the possible abortion. I was numb. I was so angry at the father that it consumed me. Against my religions beliefs, I had made a decision that I knew was best for me and my family. The only remorse I have felt was the fact that I felt little emotional attachment to the fetus. Those feelings have made me sick. I should be mourning this loss. Instead, I have felt relief. Is that normal?

But now things are becoming different. I’m feeling a lot of remorse, a lot of guilt and a lot of uncertainty. I know if the little life is viable, once here I would make it work. I don’t know what to do later this week and hoping daily that the problem is left over hormones by some chance or tissue – though those chances are slim. I’ve read several stories of a fetus surviving a medical abortion.

I want to move on past all of this. I’m ready to be the best mom to the children I have and make a better life for us. Right now I feel like I will pick continuing with surgical abortion if need be but it will make it much harder at 11 weeks as opposed to being 5 weeks when I took the pills. I don’t know what I will do once I am there though.

I am so very conflicted.