Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Meg

I became close friends with a male co-worker and we began to hang out. Mid March we had sex after some drinks. I explained to him before hand I wasn’t on birth control. I told him I hadn’t been sexually active because I had to be very careful. I wanted another child one day, but not now. Sex wasn’t worth the risk, but I did it anyways. My life is not where I want it to be and have other struggles. He still didn’t use protection or even pull-out…. knowing all these things. It felt so intentional to me. Though I know I am equally to blame.

Confused after, I asked him why he did that because we had already had several conversations about me not being on birth control. I left his house upset. Yes, it takes two…. but I felt as if he had more control than I did over that situation.

I took a Plan B pill that failed to work. I took a PG test early April (in the middle of Covid) and it was positive. I broke down. I have children, I live with my parents and he and I were just acquaintances. I didn’t want to spend the next 18 years or so dealing with this guy.

I told him I was pregnant and how upset and angry I was. I lashed out at him even though it takes two. He was very excited and once we got off the phone he text me “I am not upset at all, actually I am happy as all get out.” At that point I felt trapped. He bragged to people at work about getting me pregnant also. He claimed “he won a prize.” I was terrified and hurt, I felt used.

I took Plan B because I knew then I didn’t want to chance raising a child with him. His reactions and the events that followed confirmed my choice to go to a clinic.

I chose the medical abortion. I took one pill at the clinic, went home and 24 hours took 4 more. I bled for 3 weeks some days light and some days heavy. I passed a lot of clots and tissue.

6 weeks later I am still having positive pregnancy tests. I have to go back in a few days for a possible surgical abortion because the pill may have failed. I’m so stressed, confused, scared and feeling so much regret. What if I am carrying a healthy baby at 11 weeks?

Until now I process the possible abortion. I was numb. I was so angry at the father that it consumed me. Against my religions beliefs, I had made a decision that I knew was best for me and my family. The only remorse I have felt was the fact that I felt little emotional attachment to the fetus. Those feelings have made me sick. I should be mourning this loss. Instead, I have felt relief. Is that normal?

But now things are becoming different. I’m feeling a lot of remorse, a lot of guilt and a lot of uncertainty. I know if the little life is viable, once here I would make it work. I don’t know what to do later this week and hoping daily that the problem is left over hormones by some chance or tissue – though those chances are slim. I’ve read several stories of a fetus surviving a medical abortion.

I want to move on past all of this. I’m ready to be the best mom to the children I have and make a better life for us. Right now I feel like I will pick continuing with surgical abortion if need be but it will make it much harder at 11 weeks as opposed to being 5 weeks when I took the pills. I don’t know what I will do once I am there though.

I am so very conflicted.

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