Submitted by: Julia

I found out I was pregnant in mid January. I told my fiance that day after work. We had been dating for 8 years, engaged in August and planning our wedding for Oct 2022. We are both 26 with stable jobs and rent a 3 bedroom house. He told me it was my choice and he would stay with me either way, but he didn’t want the baby.

The following month and a half were a personal hell for me. My family is religious and very anti abortion, and I didnt want to go to them for support. My fiancé and I had the same conversation over and over, I couldn’t say that I was ready for a baby but I don’t think anybody really is when it happens. I knew I didn’t want an abortion. I told him over and over I didn’t think I could handle an abortion, but my partner of 8 years / soon to be husband’s opinion really mattered to me. I didn’t want to force him into something he didn’t want. I needed him to want it with me.

I followed along the with the weekly development of my baby. I got to 13 weeks. I finally stopped vomiting. I could feel the way my body was changing. I wanted my baby.

I went through with the apt in March. The morning of, after a night of the same nowhere conversation, I asked him if he was asking me to have an abortion, he said he was. I cried on the car ride over.

When I got there, he said he would wait in the car in case I changed my mind. I just tried to dissociate. When I felt like crying I would count, or name colors, or try to breath. The nurses tell you that you can change your mind anytime. I remember telling myself to leave over and over, but I never did.

When I got home, I didn’t stop crying for 3 days. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I look at my fiance and feel a void, feel betrayed. I couldn’t care less about getting married. It’s been almost 3 weeks. I cry every day. I regret not being strong enough to listen to myself every day. I think back over everything I could have done differently, but it’s torture because I can’t change anything now. I made the choice of my fiancé over myself and my baby and I have to find a way to live with it.