Please Forgive Me

small white flowers in front of the rising sun

Submitted by: Julia

I found out I was pregnant in mid January. I told my fiance that day after work. We had been dating for 8 years, engaged in August and planning our wedding for Oct 2022. We are both 26 with stable jobs and rent a 3 bedroom house. He told me it was my choice and he would stay with me either way, but he didn’t want the baby.

The following month and a half were a personal hell for me. My family is religious and very anti abortion, and I didnt want to go to them for support. My fiancé and I had the same conversation over and over, I couldn’t say that I was ready for a baby but I don’t think anybody really is when it happens. I knew I didn’t want an abortion. I told him over and over I didn’t think I could handle an abortion, but my partner of 8 years / soon to be husband’s opinion really mattered to me. I didn’t want to force him into something he didn’t want. I needed him to want it with me.

I followed along the with the weekly development of my baby. I got to 13 weeks. I finally stopped vomiting. I could feel the way my body was changing. I wanted my baby.

I went through with the apt in March. The morning of, after a night of the same nowhere conversation, I asked him if he was asking me to have an abortion, he said he was. I cried on the car ride over.

When I got there, he said he would wait in the car in case I changed my mind. I just tried to dissociate. When I felt like crying I would count, or name colors, or try to breath. The nurses tell you that you can change your mind anytime. I remember telling myself to leave over and over, but I never did.

When I got home, I didn’t stop crying for 3 days. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I look at my fiance and feel a void, feel betrayed. I couldn’t care less about getting married. It’s been almost 3 weeks. I cry every day. I regret not being strong enough to listen to myself every day. I think back over everything I could have done differently, but it’s torture because I can’t change anything now. I made the choice of my fiancé over myself and my baby and I have to find a way to live with it.

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4 responses to “Please Forgive Me”

  1. Kortnie

    I had an abortion in 2017 and while I know it was absolutely the right decision, I’ve had some of these feelings as well. What I’ve come to believe is that our lives will all play out in the way that they are meant to, and that the spirits we briefly carried during our pregnancies will find their way back to us someday, some way, somehow. Maybe not in the form of another pregnancy, or maybe so. But everything is as it’s meant to be. The choice was the right one. We all heal, and continue to grow, and nurture new beginnings, and breathe new life into the world through the ways that we live our own lives. I wish peace to all of you.

  2. Amber

    I have the same feelings you described as well. I told myself at the clinic I should just walk out and i didn’t. It’s been 2 months for me and it’s still hard as if it was the first day. I knew I wanted my baby too. I ask GOD for forgiveness everyday and try to remember to be strong.

  3. Lilly

    I picked my relationship over my baby too, but the resentment I have for my partner is tearing my relationship apart anyway. Thank you for sharing your story. I find comfort in thinking that my baby will come back to me in the spirit of their future siblings.

  4. Elizabeth

    I’m in a very similar situation as you. Please stay strong!

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