Forgiveness Does Not Come Easily

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: P

There aren’t many days that go by where I don’t think about the one I gave up. I wanted this baby. I was in fact thrilled for this baby.

Everyone has a story — I’ll spare those details.

I made a decision based in fear, not relying on any way on God, outside of begging him to change my circumstances so I wouldn’t feel confronted with the only two choices I felt I had — change my husband’s heart so I wasn’t raising and supporting yet another child without the support of its father, or have an abortion. I make enough to support myself plus one comfortably. I could not and would not bring another child into this world that I would not be able to support just as comfortably, or that my first child would have to sacrifice for. That didn’t feel fair to anyone. God did not change his heart. I felt like the choice was made for me. I saw no other way.

There really just isn’t any kind of grief or sorrow, fear or regret that is quite like this. February 22 my baby would be celebrating its 2nd birthday. I don’t think I’ll ever not know how old the baby would be, in any year that passes. I worry about the day I meet it in heaven, assuming I make it. I know that God forgives. I know the baby would, too. But really I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.

I made what I thought was the most logical and responsible decision I could at the time, with the information I had. But there will likely never come a time that I would ever choose the same way. There just isn’t anything to prepare you for how this feels. The yearning for the baby, the loneliness and feeling like no one understands the regret (how could they unless they’ve been through it), the fear of what lies ahead having taken a life (this is not for debate), the fear that my only child will remain an only, and be left to deal with my passing away by herself because I didn’t give birth to her sibling — because why would God give me another one when I already gave up the one he blessed me with?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve made my peace. Forgiven myself. I forget that forgiveness is a daily practice, especially when there is real remorse. But the guilt, man. The guilt eats at my heart and my soul. One day I’ll be free. I feel like there’s a way to make amends but I’ve not yet been shown what to do. Maybe share my story so others know how it might feel if they make the same decision. Not to influence their decision, because I do believe in personal choice, but to tell the story from the trenches.

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after-abortion support.

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4 responses to “Forgiveness Does Not Come Easily”

  1. Jay

    Thank you for sharing. I feel the same way. I live with a lot of guilt, grief, and regret. I know everyone has their own personal choice, but personally I would never choose to get an abortion again. The pain from the loss of my baby, not being able to speak about my grief, and physically having an abortion is harder to deal with than the struggles I was afraid that I would have to endure if I had my baby.

  2. K.

    I understand the regret. I have yet to get to that point when my baby would be born. I’m still carrying it with me and I forever will. I wish I knew this site existed before. I wish I had read what you wrote before. I wish I was not told that I’m making the best decision I can in that moment. It was not the right decision. I also believe in personal choice but part of me wishes that I had no choice. All of me wishes I had chosen differently…

    1. F

      Thank you for being so brave to share it like it is. I just had my abortion 3 days ago and the pain and psychological shock is like nothing I have ever endured. I sat on this decision for a month, looking for a way out. I had every rational reason I the world to do it. But I would do anything now to go back and undo it, the pain is so bad

  3. HC

    P I hope you find peace in this community. This decision is not an easy one to make and one that weighs a heavy burden on the woman experiencing it. It takes such a toll on our psyche and it’s such a hush topic because of the stigma and judgement surrounded by it.

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