Submitted by: Anonymous

I’m 18 and had my abortion experience on June 14, 2019. I can’t seem to get over it. I can barely find the right words to express myself, but I will try my best. No one knows about this other than my boyfriend and his parents.

I don’t know how to get over it. I’ve lied to my friends and family and told them I had a miscarriage. I could never tell my parents the truth, they’re incredibly religious and have expressed their hatred on the topic of abortion.

It almost been a year and there hasn’t been one night I haven’t cried or thought about it. I loved the idea of having a baby, but I wasn’t financially ready or emotionally ready. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world that I knew I could not properly care for.

I remember the morning before going to the clinic my boyfriend kissed the little bump and cried while holding me. We both would’ve loved to have our angel in our arms. It hurts so bad. My sister was so excited, she bought a little knitted outfit for my angel, completely oblivious of what I had done.

I decided to be sedated for the procedure. I’m haunted by the face of the woman who held my hand while I was being put under. She watched me cry and consent to the procedure, she looked like she was equally as distraught as I was, like she could have cried too. That’s the only way I can describe that situation.

I refuse to have sex. I tried for the first time about 3 months ago and I cried uncontrollably, I feel disgusting. Right after that I got this horrible fear of becoming pregnant again. It was the worst stress I have put myself through.

I swore I was pregnant, and beat my lower abdomen until it was black and blue. I drank certain teas and medicines that claimed could prevent pregnancy. That went on for about a month. I don’t know what to do. Things are going from bad to worse.

I have lost motivation to care for myself. I feel incredibly alone. I need some advice. How do you move on? When does it get better…