Getting things off my chest

Submitted by: Anonymous

I’m 18 and had my abortion experience on June 14, 2019. I can’t seem to get over it. I can barely find the right words to express myself, but I will try my best. No one knows about this other than my boyfriend and his parents.

I don’t know how to get over it. I’ve lied to my friends and family and told them I had a miscarriage. I could never tell my parents the truth, they’re incredibly religious and have expressed their hatred on the topic of abortion.

It almost been a year and there hasn’t been one night I haven’t cried or thought about it. I loved the idea of having a baby, but I wasn’t financially ready or emotionally ready. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world that I knew I could not properly care for.

I remember the morning before going to the clinic my boyfriend kissed the little bump and cried while holding me. We both would’ve loved to have our angel in our arms. It hurts so bad. My sister was so excited, she bought a little knitted outfit for my angel, completely oblivious of what I had done.

I decided to be sedated for the procedure. I’m haunted by the face of the woman who held my hand while I was being put under. She watched me cry and consent to the procedure, she looked like she was equally as distraught as I was, like she could have cried too. That’s the only way I can describe that situation.

I refuse to have sex. I tried for the first time about 3 months ago and I cried uncontrollably, I feel disgusting. Right after that I got this horrible fear of becoming pregnant again. It was the worst stress I have put myself through.

I swore I was pregnant, and beat my lower abdomen until it was black and blue. I drank certain teas and medicines that claimed could prevent pregnancy. That went on for about a month. I don’t know what to do. Things are going from bad to worse.

I have lost motivation to care for myself. I feel incredibly alone. I need some advice. How do you move on? When does it get better…

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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One response to “Getting things off my chest”

  1. Adrienne.

    Hello friend –
    I don’t have all the answers for you. Unfortunately. You are so much braver than you know. I too still really wrestle with my decision. Therapy helps a ton to have a space that it’s just open and known in. I made my decision in such a short time after finding out and it’s something I really struggled with. My therapist told me “you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.” This idea helps me. I too have really religious parents who don’t know. It’s a lonely place when you can’t talk about it with others. But there’s spaces like this one just for that and we’re all here to support you and hear you.

    I don’t think you move on. I think you can still create a really balanced life. Recovery is not synonymous with forgetting or being “perfectly adjusted.” If you feel/notice that you’re not taking care of yourself, keep reaching out. Seek out therapy. Keep returning to this site and reading other people’s story. You’re worth taking care of.

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