I never would have thought that abortion would be a part of my story. Of my life. As pro-choice as I have been my whole life, I just never imagined I could be in such a situation.
Well, there I was. Nearly 30, with a loving husband, double income and our own flat. We also talked about starting a family very often and didn’t use protection. The agreement was – if it happens, it happens. And it did happen.
Unfortunately, at the same time I got pregnant (which I didn’t know at that time) my husband told me he wasn’t so sure of having kids anymore and that we would be terrible parents and he liked his life the way it was. With that said, he went on a business trip for nearly a month.
At first I was not stressed about the missing period. I felt it coming, my breasts were tender and I felt a certain pain in my abdomen that always was a sign for an upcoming period. But a few more days went by and there was no period.
I scheduled an appointment with my obgyn to find out the reason and had decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure it was negative. And there they were. Two lines. All I could say was “oh fuck”.
I did not tell my husband. Pretended everything was normal which was not so hard due to the fact that he was away anyway. But inside my four walls I was crying not knowing what to do. The stress was eating me alive.
I wanted to keep this baby deep down in my heart but at the same time I couldn’t stop thinking that my husband didn’t want this. I could see his face in my head, the irritated grimace while talking about how noisy babies are.
I had two weeks to process my feelings. I scheduled the appointment to find out about abortion. I got the pills. My little baby is gone now. And even though I know I made the right decision I’m still grieving. I’m crying for the life I could not give to my baby. I’m crying for the vision of a family in my head that is not going to come true.
I’m so sorry I didn’t fight for you, baby. I’m so sorry I had to make the decision to let you go but I couldn’t risk your father not wanting you. A baby should be loved and wanted. I’m sorry I decided to put your father’s needs before you. You were loved and wanted by me. I will love you and think of you. Hoping maybe one day you will forgive me or come back to me in another pregnancy. The tears are running down my face as I’m writing it. ~ To my march baby
Submitted by: Marty