Submitted by: Sarah Marie
This could have been the worst thing that I have ever been through. I am in a blended family and have one child (5) of my own and 2 stepkids that are teenagers. We accidently got pregnant when I went off birth control. I calculated it to the date but still screwed up. How could I have done this?? I am too old for this to happen!!
I thought I was miscarrying and relieved I didn’t have to make a decision! My husband still didn’t realize why I was so upset and asked when I would get passed this. On the next ultrasound they said everything was fine. I am now 6 weeks. With my husband’s lack of support during my ‘miscarriage’, why would a pregnancy be any different? I was so relieved when I thought I was miscarrying to not to go through this. But that is not my fate in life. We are going this Saturday for the procedure.
I always wanted a baby brother or sister for my biological child. But felt that our house was at it’s capacity and felt that I wouldn’t be able to handle another child mentally, I had terrible post partum. The first pregnancy was all me, this time too would be all me. I told 2 close friends who told me to have the baby. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn’t handle it. I can’t even tell my parents because it would break their hearts. I feel like a failure, I feel unsupported and unworthy of love.
My husband and I agreed that we do not want another child (but it’s completely different when you are actually pregnant). He isn’t not working and we have so much debt right now. He doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal. He thinks I can just get over this and I’m heartbroken. I love my husband but he does not have the capacity to understand what I am going through. I am a vegetarian because I don’t like killing anything and I am going to get an abortion?! I feel like a giant hypocrite.
I had to tell my friends that I am miscarrying and now I feel even worse because I don’t want them judging me and I feel unworthy of their sympathy. I feel like the lowest scum of the Earth. I do not feel like eating or sleeping. All I do is scour the web for any validation of someone who has gone through this and are ok now. I am heartbroken. I feel like I have something living inside me right now and by Sunday I won’t. I don’t know how I am going to get through this all and pretend it’s nothing by Christmas.