Submitted by: Sarah Marie
This could have been the worst thing that I have ever been through. I am in a blended family and have one child (5) of my own and 2 stepkids that are teenagers. We accidently got pregnant when I went off birth control. I calculated it to the date but still screwed up. How could I have done this?? I am too old for this to happen!!
I thought I was miscarrying and relieved I didn’t have to make a decision! My husband still didn’t realize why I was so upset and asked when I would get passed this. On the next ultrasound they said everything was fine. I am now 6 weeks. With my husband’s lack of support during my ‘miscarriage’, why would a pregnancy be any different? I was so relieved when I thought I was miscarrying to not to go through this. But that is not my fate in life. We are going this Saturday for the procedure.
I always wanted a baby brother or sister for my biological child. But felt that our house was at it’s capacity and felt that I wouldn’t be able to handle another child mentally, I had terrible post partum. The first pregnancy was all me, this time too would be all me. I told 2 close friends who told me to have the baby. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn’t handle it. I can’t even tell my parents because it would break their hearts. I feel like a failure, I feel unsupported and unworthy of love.
My husband and I agreed that we do not want another child (but it’s completely different when you are actually pregnant). He isn’t not working and we have so much debt right now. He doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal. He thinks I can just get over this and I’m heartbroken. I love my husband but he does not have the capacity to understand what I am going through. I am a vegetarian because I don’t like killing anything and I am going to get an abortion?! I feel like a giant hypocrite.
I had to tell my friends that I am miscarrying and now I feel even worse because I don’t want them judging me and I feel unworthy of their sympathy. I feel like the lowest scum of the Earth. I do not feel like eating or sleeping. All I do is scour the web for any validation of someone who has gone through this and are ok now. I am heartbroken. I feel like I have something living inside me right now and by Sunday I won’t. I don’t know how I am going to get through this all and pretend it’s nothing by Christmas.
Diana says
I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better. I just did an abortion on Monday and this week has been hell for me. I do not have a supportive partner either and my endless crying seems annoying to him. I know it’s hard but I think the best way for us to go through this is to try not to overthink. Thinking about this too much is not gonna change anything but put ourselves in a worse place.
Sarah Marie says
I had to cancel my first appointment I was too scared! I don’t know if I can go through with it. But I’m scared I’m making a decision just on his wishes and not mine. It sucks either decision will ruin us.
Keely says
I feel the same way. I have my own kids and too pill at less than 5w pregnant, 12 hr after I took a home pregnancy test. I was on robot mode. It was out of body. I wasn’t emotional at all. And now I can’t stop crying (3w later). I wanted this baby. And now I cannot forgive myself. I am actually so shocked by lack of counseling at the appointment, no one was telling me to take time deciding or take a step back. I am appalled at my decision and I’m not sure I will ever find peace.
Madeline says
I feel your heartache. I feel the same pain and shame. Mine is scheduled for Tuesday. My heart is with you and know that there is love in the universe that understands and supports you.