Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Stacey

It’s only been 2 weeks, but this is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I have lost my dad and my step dad, but this grief is so different and painful.

I will be 43 in one month and have no kids. I have always wanted that marriage with 2 kids, a dog, and a white fence… the American dream right. Well , that’s not my story.

I met my husband when I was 33 or 34, we dated for close to 6 years before we got married. Why so long? Because we fought and got into bad cycles, and time kept on moving along. Well, we had 2 miscarriage in the years. We decided not to do IVF or adoption, and we decided if it happened it happened. When we made this decision I was 42 and he was 48 (so about one year ago).

Well , COVID-19 will be a year I will never forget. I found out in March I was pregnant right when we all had to go into isolation, we are both working at home during this time and we started fighting bad. I mean, really consistent and bad. I wasn’t far enough along for it to be real for him since I had miscarriage In the past.

I was so emotionally and physically exhausted. My situation was different because we weren’t fighting due to the stress of COVID-19, we have been blessed and still have our jobs and don’t have extra stresses. I had conversations with him about being burnt out from all the fighting, but we would “try” to work it out, so I had to decide if I could be a single mom at 43 years old.

I was faced with this decision while living in consistent fights and my crying. My career hasn’t been stable over the years for my age that I am financially comfortable so even with child support, that worried me. I so desperately have always wanted to be a mom, but I was also worried about my age. Yes, I’m sure I could have done it alone if it came that, which I’m sure it would have.

Anyway, I came to the hardest decision of my life. I did go to therapy every week to help talk things through. Now I’m thinking I made a bad mistake. However, somehow just writing this has helped in the moment. BUT, why did I get pregnant right before “our deadline“ and then get in these huge fights… it breaks me in half.

I grew up with parents who got divorced when I was in 6th grade and fought. I told myself I would not let a child be around that because I know it affected me. It’s so hard to see families right now and even look at kids. It wasn’t like that before. Does it get easier? I don’t want to feel this way in 10 years or 5 years, wishing….

I never in a million years thought this would be my story.

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One response to “Heartbroken”

  1. Katie D.

    I’m only a couple weeks out from the surgery as well. It is hard, and I’m struggling to. Just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. *hugs*

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