Hope.

I am so, so happy I found this site. Eight days ago, I found out I was four weeks pregnant, and three days ago, I took the first pill for an abortion. I was very early on, five weeks and five days. Seeing the ultrasound helped me because I couldn’t really see anything. I knew it would be difficult, but I took comfort in knowing I’d be taking the second set of pills with my partner there. Later that day, we found out he was positive for COVID.

I woke up the next day filled with dread because what I was going to have to do was going to be done alone, by myself, in my room. I cried the whole day until it was time to take the pills. No one tells you what the bleeding will be like, it’s described as a “heavy period.” It is absolutely NOT a heavy period. It’s like a faucet turned on and I will never forget the feeling of everything falling out of me. I FaceTimed him multiple times that night, crying and screaming and begging for him to come and get me so I wouldn’t have to be alone.

The next morning, I woke up with a feeling that I can only describe as deep depression and hopelessness. It was the worst feeling I have ever had in my life. I wondered if it would ever go away. I thought I would never feel normal ever again and that I would be stuck in this hurt, not being able to function, not being able to go more than half an hour before crying uncontrollably. I kept reading about the emotions one can expect to feel, desperate for an explanation, and pregnancy hormones kept coming up. The hormones can cause everything to go out of whack, and can cause depression-like symptoms similar to insomnia and anxiety. No one mentioned this to me, either.

For anyone who is going through this, know you are not alone and know that no one will ever understand what you are going through unless they have experienced it themselves. Elective abortions are still pregnancy losses, and that is what I’ve experienced. It’s still a loss. I felt guilty at first because I made the choice to do what I did, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a loss. I miss what was in me, I have no idea if it was a boy or girl, but I miss it and I think I always will. I have hope now, though, that there will be brighter days.

I think it’s incredibly unfortunate that our feelings are politicized. Before finding Exhale, most of the info I found was that women feel “relief” after they have an abortion. I did not feel relief and thought something was wrong with me for feeling depressed and hopeless. When you start talking to people who have experienced this, you find you are not alone. Someone told me today that I’ll never forget this, but that it’s now part of my story.

Submitted by: A

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