I regret not choosing my baby

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Carol

I’m not going to explain my reasons for terminating my pregnancy because I honestly know I made the best choice for me at this point in my life. However, I will never get another abortion ever again. That was the most traumatic experience I have ever been through.

I asked to see the ultrasound at the first visit but the tech did not let me see the screen. The counseling they require you to go through was not at all what I would consider counseling but them just asking in different ways if you’re sure about getting an abortion. The doctor didn’t show much interest in talking about much of anything either.

So here I am with my first pregnancy freaking out on the inside trying to keep it together. The “sedation” they gave me was a complete joke. A baby Valium didn’t even curve my anxiety. I felt everything. They are very vague on what to expect and they described it has mild discomfort and period cramps. Well I would say I have a high pain tolerance and don’t cry easily when hurt, but I cried the entire time from the pain, and the fact that I was choosing to end my baby’s life way before it even began.

Due to the virus I wasn’t allowed to have anyone with me, so not only was I doing the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, but I had to do it alone and with complete strangers just standing there watching me. Everyone said I would feel relief and that never happened for me. I wasn’t 100% sold on giving up my baby because me and my man (S) really wanted one, but we couldn’t give him or her the life they deserved if I had continued with the pregnancy.

I’ve felt depressed, sad, anxious, and hateful towards myself for what I chose to do. Telling myself it was the best decision for me and the baby doesn’t at all help with the regret and guilt I feel so heavily on a daily basis. I sometimes think S hates me deep down because I took his second chance at being a father away, but he does his best to reassure me. He just doesn’t know how to cope with this either. It’s a first for both of us and I guess neither expected how heavily it would impact us until it did. It was choice I went back and forth on mentally nonstop for weeks.

I’m still trying to figure out how to handle it all because honestly I’m not doing a great job. But this website does help make me feel like I’m not alone. So I hope sharing helps someone else in some way.

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after-abortion support.

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One response to “I regret not choosing my baby”

  1. F

    I completely relate. I had every rational reason in the world to end my pregnancy. The list of pros was way in favor of ending it. But after I did it I have gone through the worst psychological pain, regret and grief that now all those reasons seem flimsy and shallow compared to my babies life, compared to my soul

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