I Still Think About You

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Amanda

It’s been 4-5 months since my abortion and I still think about you almost every day. I have new regrets now. I regret not accepting the reality of choice or even taking a few days to talk about the decision with P. We decided on abortion if an unplanned pregnancy ever occurred, but that was 3 months into dating, and we’ve now been together 1.5 years.

The first thing I told him when I found out was that I’m calling Planned Parenthood tomorrow, and that was the end. I regret resenting him, still, for not coming to the clinic with me and not taking time off work to be with me while I was in pain and bleeding alone all day. I know he would have done anything I asked him to, and I told him I would be okay alone. But I still hate how he didn’t insist on taking care of me. It was all over before it was even real.

That pregnancy was one of the extremely few memories I have of being in tune with my intuition. I was excited when I found out, even though I knew it wouldn’t be for real. I kept the test and looked at it every day until the word “pregnant” faded away. I still kept it for a little while after that, too. P. doesn’t know that. I instinctively felt that this was a part of all the great things that would make my life. I loved you and talked to you every day in my head for the week we had before the appointment.

I never talked to P. about this because it was not an option to make you work. I knew my relationship with P. was only going to become stronger and happier, just as I knew very early on. P. was not and is not ready to be a parent, and I don’t know if he will be or not one day. Sometimes I wonder if where we’re at right now is only a condition of not going through with having you.

The thing is I never cared about having a baby before, through several adult relationships, and I only want to with P. I don’t know if we ever will, and if we do, you were still the first. I try to think of all the logical reasons why this was the best decision. All the other decisions I’ve ever made, even in relationships, have only ever been logical. I think choosing not to keep you is still so hard for me because my heart wanted you. I did not tell P. that, either. Despite the chaos and suffering, I am selfishly so glad a pandemic has arrived. You deserved better than to be born while I had unpredictable job opportunities. If you stayed, I would have stayed at a job that devalued me and drained me of all the great things I have to offer others, and I would not have been the mom you deserve. I feel much better about my decision when I think of everything that I would have wanted to be better for you. But, it’s still hard to see P. and I so happy, stable, and more in love in a maturing relationship, thinking we could have made this work, and chose not to.

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