Submitted by: Amanda

It’s been 4-5 months since my abortion and I still think about you almost every day. I have new regrets now. I regret not accepting the reality of choice or even taking a few days to talk about the decision with P. We decided on abortion if an unplanned pregnancy ever occurred, but that was 3 months into dating, and we’ve now been together 1.5 years.

The first thing I told him when I found out was that I’m calling Planned Parenthood tomorrow, and that was the end. I regret resenting him, still, for not coming to the clinic with me and not taking time off work to be with me while I was in pain and bleeding alone all day. I know he would have done anything I asked him to, and I told him I would be okay alone. But I still hate how he didn’t insist on taking care of me. It was all over before it was even real.

That pregnancy was one of the extremely few memories I have of being in tune with my intuition. I was excited when I found out, even though I knew it wouldn’t be for real. I kept the test and looked at it every day until the word “pregnant” faded away. I still kept it for a little while after that, too. P. doesn’t know that. I instinctively felt that this was a part of all the great things that would make my life. I loved you and talked to you every day in my head for the week we had before the appointment.

I never talked to P. about this because it was not an option to make you work. I knew my relationship with P. was only going to become stronger and happier, just as I knew very early on. P. was not and is not ready to be a parent, and I don’t know if he will be or not one day. Sometimes I wonder if where we’re at right now is only a condition of not going through with having you.

The thing is I never cared about having a baby before, through several adult relationships, and I only want to with P. I don’t know if we ever will, and if we do, you were still the first. I try to think of all the logical reasons why this was the best decision. All the other decisions I’ve ever made, even in relationships, have only ever been logical. I think choosing not to keep you is still so hard for me because my heart wanted you. I did not tell P. that, either. Despite the chaos and suffering, I am selfishly so glad a pandemic has arrived. You deserved better than to be born while I had unpredictable job opportunities. If you stayed, I would have stayed at a job that devalued me and drained me of all the great things I have to offer others, and I would not have been the mom you deserve. I feel much better about my decision when I think of everything that I would have wanted to be better for you. But, it’s still hard to see P. and I so happy, stable, and more in love in a maturing relationship, thinking we could have made this work, and chose not to.