Submitted by: Anonymous

I found out I was pregnant the day before Halloween. I had just returned from my fiancé’s sister’s wedding, and had been feeling weird the whole time. I chalked it up to all the stress and drinking of the weekend. The previous week, my fiancé and I had put a $5,000 deposit on our wedding venue for our wedding 8 months away.

I was on the pill, so I wasn’t too worried. I picked up a pregnancy test on my way to work and couldn’t believe my eyes when it was positive. I went back home and cried all day.

My pregnancy was not unwanted, but it was unexpected. My fiancé and I planned to start our family exactly a year from now, which made the decision to have the abortion so much harder — If we could do it a year from now, then why not now? In my heart, I knew abortion was the right choice. I needed that last year — to get married, to build my career, and to work on myself. As wanted as our baby was, I knew that we weren’t prepared to give it everything we had dreamed for our children.

I made the hardest phone call of my life and scheduled a medical abortion for the following week. After I hung up the phone, I cried like I never have in my life. I could feel my heart breaking inside my chest. As much pain as I felt, I knew in my heart what I needed to do.

Spending the next week pregnant felt like a cruel joke. The days dragged by and I didn’t do much but sleep and cry. On the morning of the appointment, I paced our living room until it was time to go. Everyone at the doctor’s office was so friendly. My fiancé was able to stay with me the entire time. We had an ultrasound, the screen was turned away from me and I didn’t ask to see. My fiancé looked and told me there wasn’t much going on.

I was crying when the doctor came in, and he took my hand and said, “I know this is so difficult, and you are not alone.” I was more grateful for that then he’ll ever know. He gave me the first pill and I swallowed it quickly. He gave me the remaining pills and a prescription for painkillers and antibiotics. He explained what to expect and scheduled my follow up appointment.

We got in the car and cried. It was a strange sense of relief that it was done, but that same heartbreak throbbed in my chest. The rest of the day was normal; we picked up my prescriptions, some pads, and a ton of snacks.

The next morning, I took the antibiotics and painkillers before taking the second set of pills. Nothing happened at first, about an hour in I started feeling some cramps. They picked up in intensity, and I started getting very uncomfortable. I suddenly needed to go to the bathroom, and immediately passed blood and tissue. I left the lights off and didn’t wear my glasses so I wouldn’t be upset by what I saw. I was very shaky, sweaty, and nauseous for about 30 minutes while passing the pregnancy. After that, I was able to relax with my heating pad and get some rest, though the cramps persisted the rest of the day.

It has been just over a week since my abortion. In the days since, I’ve gone through every emotion possible: Relief, sadness, guilt, loss, and grief. This has been a life-changing journey. While I don’t regret my decision, I still feel a great sense of loss over my pregnancy. My partner has been so loving and supportive, but sometimes I want to yell at him because he has no idea what it felt like to carry our pregnancy in his body. I feel like I will never be the same person again. Time is crawling by and I’m desperately searching for some sense of normalcy.