I Wish I Could Wake Up From This Nightmare

Green mountains with the sun rising behind them

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Jane

When I was 17 years old , I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated, scared, nervous. I was a senior in H.S. about to start college. My parents are very strict. I would’ve gotten disowned. I would’ve been such a disgrace and embarrassment to my parents. Everyday I repent aborting when I was a teen. That hurt still haunts me. Thinking how would my kid be, boy or girl? Even though I always think of the baby being a boy. I think about his/her age. What if I would’ve had more if I had one so young.

Now 41 years old, and recently found out I am pregnant, again. A mother to 4 kids. I am in a great marriage for over 17 years (to the same guy l was with above). We’ve been together since I was 15 years old. Since wanting to be a mother, I always pictured myself a mother to 5 kids. My greatest accomplishment in life is being a mother. I have dedicated my entire life, and given up my career to raise my children. I love every moment.

Unfortunately, after having my last child 8 years ago, I knew my dreams of having anymore children was over. I had a very difficult pregnancy and was immediately placed on bed rest due to bleeding and possibility of losing her. Soon I became diabetic needing weekly checkups, daily glucose monitoring, and medications to control my blood sugar. I acquired an infection that needed to get treated before I went into labor, because if not, I could pass it on to the baby.

I’ve delivered all my babies immediately upon arrival. I pushed desperately with no guidance from a fearful midwife because my doctor was on jury duty, and his covering doctor wasn’t made aware of my situation or how fast I labor. I was exhausted and felt defeated. After pushing and pushing the covering obgyn arrived. Immediately helped me because my baby had the umbilical cord repeatedly wrapped around her neck. My daughter soiled me as I delivered, but luckily she didn’t ingest any. My baby went into NICU, and then was kept after my discharge for jaundice.

A few weeks after delivering my baby I started feeling very ill. Severe headaches, nausea, just a weird heavy sensation in my head. Went to my PCP, was sent immediately to the hospital. My blood pressure was ridiculously high, and my blood sugars had dropped too much. I had postpartum preeclampsia and was hospitalized for a week. The doctor said my blood pressure was so high that my age is what saved me. The first few days of my hospitalization are a blur because I can’t remember anything. I just know that I was/am blessed to have survived, but most importantly have had a healthy baby.

Fast forward to present day, I stupidly made a miscalculation. Next day after being intimate with my husband I knew I made a mistake. Had my husband purchase the Plan B pill. I prayed it worked. Days passed, tried not to think about it. The day I was due for my period came and went. I knew I was pregnant. I have always been able to calculate my menstruation — I know the exact dates I ovulate. Have been blessed to have gotten pregnant within the first month of every time I’ve tried. Now, I am panicking. What am I going to do? I can’t have another baby! I went through so many complications with my last pregnancy. Now I am 8 years older, in my 40’s plus about 70 lbs heavier than before! My GOD, please wake me up from this nightmare!

But unfortunately, it’s not a nightmare. It’s my reality. Did I mention my eldest child is a brain cancer survivor who is extremely delayed and who suffers from severe autism? I was lucky to have 3 other children delay free, but now I risk a greater chance of having another special needs child based on family history and my age. Why am I even considering an abortion? It is my greatest regret ever. The heaviest burden I live with daily. My stupid miscalculation is now killing my baby.

For the past week I have cried, cried, and cried. I have contemplated all different scenarios., especially knowing how happy my other kids would be knowing I was expecting. But, ultimately I know I have to be alive and healthy to take care of them. My son especially will depend on me all his life. So again, my heart is broken. I pray that when we meet in a our next lifetime, you precious angels are able to forgive me, and know how much I’ve ached for the choices that I’ve made and am about to make. You didn’t ask to be conceived, and should’ve been given a fair chance. A chance I took away. I am sincerely sorry.

Reading everyone’s story has given me some peace. Being able to vent to others who although every story is a bit different, has endured a similar heartache. Speaking openly without judgement. Seeing the support. I pray that healing and peace comes to us all.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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One response to “I Wish I Could Wake Up From This Nightmare”

  1. Jane

    Almost two weeks post my termination. Everyday I contemplate the what if’s. I think about the baby’s gender, birthday, names I would’ve considered, how happy my other kids would’ve been, etc…. When I’m distracted I am okay, but the minute I am alone I remember and regret. I’ve cried everyday since. Every tv show, every social media post is about a pregnancy or newborn. I try to sooth my pain by thinking over all the risks that I would’ve taken for both the baby and myself. It helps for awhile, but then the fact that I aborted my baby trumps all those thoughts. Everyday I regret my decision even though I know it was what I had to do. I pray time helps heal my broken heart.

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