The first time it happened I already wasn’t in a good place mentally. I was smoking weed, taking pills, anything just to feel numb. That day we had sex, I smoked and mixed some pills, my (now) ex completely unaware. I don’t even remember it ending. I just woke up hours later with my pants still down, covered with a blanket, and my ex playing his video games. I felt violated in a way. Did I pass out during? If not, why were my pants still off? Wouldn’t I have pulled them up and gone to sleep after? Idk honestly.
I was in denial of what happened and looking back I’m so stupid for not taking a Plan B. My period wasn’t even due yet and I already knew. I didn’t even want to be with him anymore. I had already moved on from him and was seeing someone else. I was planning on breaking up as soon as he and his family got back from vacation.
Anddd then my grandmother kicked me out. I moved into his family’s apartment and they were coming back in a few days. My period was officially a week late and I had no will to live anymore after all that transpired. I was ready to take all the pills I had left and just end it all, but decided to take the test first.
Immediately those two lines popped up and I knew I couldn’t go thru with ending it and flushed the pills. I don’t remember much of the abortion bc of the sedation, just the loud suction sound and the bright lights.
Walking back to the waiting room after, he told me while laughing that I looked the saddest of all the girls he saw walk out that day. Why the fuck did he have to tell me that?
The guilt of knowing that my little one saved me and knowing that I proceeded with the abortion anyways still eats at me. I know I couldn’t have provided for them. I was working a minimum wage job and had just dropped out of college. I didn’t want to become a single mother. I had absolutely no support system or family and my grandmother made it very clear since the beginning that if I became pregnant I was not living at home. I didn’t want to be forced to have him in my life anymore knowing what he did to me.
I became depressed just replaying everything in my head. It only got worse from there. I lowkey regretted cheating on him while he was away but the next two months living with him solidified my decision to leave. Two days before getting out and moving back home, we got into an argument and he tried strangling me while I was in the shower. All the guilt I had about the abortion was lessened knowing I made the right decision about not wanting to bring a child into that environment.
I wish I could say I learned my lesson and practiced safer sex after that, but I can’t. Not long after moving back home, me and the guy I had cheated on my ex with made it official. He knew all about the abortion and was actually there for me and more supportive than my ex.
Exactly 6 months to the day that me and my ex had sex and exactly 6 months to the day, I found out I was pregnant again. I hated everything with no one to blame but myself. It was the same feelings all over again only this time with someone new.
We had only been together for 3 months at the time and I was scared of us not working out and how that could impact a child. My boyfriend already had one child from a previous relationship and taking that into consideration financially and our family situations, he thought it was best to not keep it.
I knew deep down that it was the right decision bc I was thinking the same things but I didn’t want to go thru with another one, I really didn’t. It sounds stupid but it felt like my baby coming back to me. Like it was meant to be.
I reluctantly made the appointment anyways. We both didn’t want to go. We wasted time skipping the trains and waiting outside the clinic and ended up being an hour late for the appointment. When we got there, they said it was a 3-4 hour wait to reschedule or come back in 2 weeks. I knew if I left I wasn’t going to come back and decided to wait.
The 3-4 hours ended up only being a 30 minute wait and when she called my name, my feet didn’t want to move. I hesitated but got up and went anyways. Signing the consent forms, I hesitated again but went thru with it anyways. Even laying on the table and waiting to start I wanted to get up and get out of there, but I stayed anyways.
I chose the same sedation option as the last time, but it didn’t work. I felt and remember everything. I remember laying there crying from the pain and instant regret. I remember the sweet nurse wiping my tears and holding my hand telling me it was gonna be okay and that it was almost over.
After it was done, my boyfriend brought me to his house to recover a little before bringing me home. We sat in bed for 2 hours, not even talking, just holding each other and crying. For a while after that just seeing babies or pregnant women in public was triggering for me. That should’ve been me.
The depression was even worse this time around but technically I don’t think it ever left. It was baddd. I feel like a shell of my former self. Looking back at pictures I don’t even look like myself. I lost so much weight from not eating. My eyes were black from not sleeping. I had a recurring nightmare where I was holding a beautiful baby girl that I named Persephone and every night without fail, after saying her name, masked men would come in and snatch her from me while I screamed in silence and I’d jump awake crying. Even tho I hate the ending, sometimes I wish to dream about her just to have her in my arms.
It’s coming up on 3 years since finding out I was pregnant the second time and I wish I could say it gets easier but as of right now it hasn’t, I’ve just gotten a lot better at hiding it. There’s days I’m fine and days I wake up thinking about it and wanting to cry all day, thinking about the what if’s and what could’ve been. Even just thinking about it to write this has me sobbing.
Even when I know I’ve been safe that month or if my period is late, I secretly hope I’m pregnant just to say it was meant to be. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and he’s the best guy I could ask for. Without him idk what I’d do or where I’d be. During one day of really bad morning sickness the second time around, I jokingly held my stomach and said “you little one will be the death of me” and honestly, some days it feels like it will be.
Submitted by: Bri