I’m trying to forgive myself

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Submitted by: Anonymous

I’m 19 years old and my first pregnancy was this year.

I lost my virginity in March of 2018 and by November the same year, I found out I was pregnant. Things happened so fast for me. One minute I am in love and making love with my boyfriend, the next we are in the bathroom looking at results from pregnancy test.

He’s older than me (25) and he’s traveled the world. He’s been with many people and he’s seen life in a lot of other countries — partied and had the time of his life. Me? I’ve never even been out of the country. I’ve been to a club once in my life and I’m in college now.

Truth is, I wasn’t ready. I wanted this baby but I knew we couldn’t have given it the life is deserved. We couldn’t provide food and shelter without the help of my mother. She raised me on her own, and I couldn’t make her go through it again.

I want my parenthood to come from actually planning and being financially ready and stable. Though this situation wasn’t what my boyfriend wanted or what I wanted, he supported me and paid for everything.

I was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I have the photos of my baby in the ultrasound and I cried when I first saw it. The day I got my results was yesterday, December 7th … I am particularly angry because we paid extra for me to be sedated and the medicine didn’t even kick in. I was wide awake. I felt everything. I felt the needle to my cervix. I felt the clamps. I felt my baby being sucked out of me. It was the most physical pain I have ever felt in my life. The nurse who assisted the doctor was comforting. While I was crying, she helped with my breathing and rubbed my shoulders. She told me I was “almost done” and “it’s okay, it’s okay” … but it wasn’t okay.

I think it hurt more for me because I had never had a pelvic/vaginal exam or anything. I’ve never been “opened up” unless it was with a penis to have sex.

They held me for another 30 minutes, then told me I was free to go. My boyfriend was waiting in the waiting room. I starting crying again when I saw him and on the way to the car. He kissed my face repeatedly and hugged me. He kept saying “I’m sorry you had to go through that”. I remember waking up on the drive back home and he was in tears. That’s the first time I had ever seen him cry. The first time I had ever seen him be sensitive. I leaned on his arm and I apologized.

If anything I feel empty and lonely right now. I feel so horrible inside and I’ve been trying to cry the pain away, eat it away … yell it away. But it still stays. I wish I could’ve kept my baby. I wish I could’ve been a great mother and I wish I could provide a life for someone to be successful. But I can barely feed myself right now. I can barely afford to put gas in my car. It wouldn’t have have been fair to someone who didn’t ask to be here.

If anything my boyfriend and I are just trying to heal. We are Trying to put all the “I love yous” we said to each other into play. We are trying to recover. He starting to drink a lot again but I hope it doesn’t last long… I’m starting to slip into a depression and I feel so helpless. I keep praying. Praying to God to help me, but I think God hates me right now.

At this point, I’m just trying to forgive myself.

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One response to “I’m trying to forgive myself”

  1. Sarah

    I had a similar experience. I will pray for you. I had my experience in 2011. I felt the same way about wanting to be a mother but know I made the right decision. You will feel better. You will forgive yourself. The healing takes time but you are strong and just remember no one hates you.

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