Inhale and Exhale

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Anonymous

I just had a D&E done today. I found out this past Saturday and it hasn’t been a full 6 days and I’m already done. It’s a lot of feelings, and usually I’m very articulate with what I’m going through. Usually helping my friends through whatever they’re going through.

I’m really caught up on how I wasn’t scared going in, just anxious to get it over with. I went to Planned Parenthood and everyone was really pleasant. I sat with the dilator medication with my support person, and another girl waiting with hers. She asked me kind of incredulously “you aren’t scared?” And I trailed off about how I compartmentalize things differently.

They took me back and I waited, which was a wee nerve racking. Remembering to inhale and exhale. They came back and gave me my sedation and pain medication. I don’t remember really anything from the procedure except the parts that were exceptionally painful/uncomfortable, and when the last painful bit happened I just started crying. Like non stop. Not hysterically but so many tears. I kept apologizing. And when they took me back to recovery I couldn’t stop. Then my support person came. More tears and choking and apologizing and trying to not cry like a maniac when other girls are coming back for procedures. Still remembering to inhale and exhale.

When they gave me the go ahead to leave I was up and ready (still woozy) but very ready to leave. And fast forward to all the napping and eating and ibuprofen. I figured I’d look up where all these tears came from. And I guess it was just a part of how I’m processing it. But if anyone reads this and has or had this experience I want you to know I don’t think I’m crazy and neither are you.

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