Submitted by: Lisa
I was 24 years old, and a single mother with 2 daughters, aged 1 and 3. I had just been through a very scary divorce, having fled from an abusive marriage. I was struggling to make ends meet, some months having to choose between paying rent and paying for groceries. We were really on the edge, financially.
I was very pro-life at the time, and never would have considered an abortion. I was dating a guy who was kind to me and my babies. We had protected sex with a condom every single time. But lo and behold, a few months in, I realized I was pregnant. Being pro-life, the option of abortion never crossed my mind. However, I was beside myself with anxiety and fear about how I was going to make this work.
The guy offered to marry me, but we didn’t know each other very well, and that just didn’t seem wise. I went through each day just dreading it. I was having morning sickness and could barely work, which was scary, since we were barely making it already. One day I went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood in the toilet. I realized I was having a miscarriage. My boyfriend took me to the hospital, with full on cramps like labor pains, I sat in the ER for hours. When I finally got seen, they told me I had had a miscarriage, and that it was all over.
I went home and went to bed. When I woke up I was so relieved, I felt like I could breathe! I was ecstatic. It was then I really understood what horrible stress I had been under. Only a few weeks later, I found out that my boyfriend had been sneaking out in the middle of the night and peeping in windows of teenage girls. He was picked up by the police, and when I went to get him, they told me he had a record as a sexual predator! I was horrified and scared – did he touch my daughters???
The next morning I took a pregnancy test and realized I was pregnant again (and yes, we used condoms!) I was so depressed and confused, and wondered why God would put me in this position, it didn’t make sense. I was afraid to try to carry the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption. The guy and I had mutual friends and he would find out that I was pregnant and want me to keep the baby, or worse — he would want the baby. I couldn’t let that happen, with his record and all.
Fortunately, I talked to a friend and found out she had had an abortion. She relayed to me that she spent time speaking to the baby, and letting it know that she loved it, and needed to let it go, as it would have a very difficult life. I felt inspired by this, and less alone. I spent the next few days praying and talking to the baby, journalling, anything I could do to feel clear about the decision I needed to make. I knew that it was absolutely the best thing I could do for the 2 babies I already had, and I owed it to them to not make life more difficult for them. Finally I knew what I had to do, and was crystal clear.
My friend went with me and held my hand. Afterward, I came home and rested. My friend brought me bagels and cream cheese, with peach jam. This is still my favorite comfort food! She was so loving and kind, and I felt so nurtured by her. I was able to go to work a couple days later. That was 40 years ago. I have never regretted my decision, as I know that it was the best thing to do for myself and the family I already had. It was my decision to make, and nobody else’s business.
If I feel badly about anything, it’s that I had a surgical abortion, and the Dr’s office did not give me any anesthesia. It was horribly traumatically painful. I am still pissed and sad about that. I think it’s a shame that women are made to feel bad about doing what they feel is best for them. We are woman-strong, and we can feel empowered to decide what is right for us, without shame.