Mixed Emotions

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Lauren

I found out I was pregnant at only 4 weeks, and knew at that moment that I didn’t want to keep it.

I have 2 kids of my own (the smallest 1 years old), and a step daughter. My relationship has been toxic and abusive, and I knew there was not enough of me to take care of another child. I felt no emotional connection and couldn’t imagine any other option.

My boyfriend wanted me to keep it and was against abortion. I felt so afraid of the confrontation and confused that I waited 16 weeks until I finally went through with the surgical procedure. The night before, I spoke to my bf and told him how it was what I thought was best, and he promised to support me and be there for me.

The procedure was uncomfortable and traumatic. Waiting so long made it even more horrid to experience. I felt so alone in the room and I forced myself not to cry that day. I disconnected myself from the procedure and the baby inside me.

My boyfriend was not supportive and told me once I took the pills that he “would have made it happen,” and not to say it was for best for us. It’s been almost a month and I haven’t had the strength to retell the story or experience, and just thinking about it makes me tearful.

I know it was the best decision but it still makes me feel guilty and sad. I see people announce their pregnancies and I envy the strength they have. I feel empty and alone when I think back. I constantly remind myself that not all good decisions will be easy ones.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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One response to “Mixed Emotions”

  1. Priona

    Reading your story I feel we have a lot in common. I too have two kids one of which just turned one. The decision was not easy to make nor is it easy to live with. Your right in that not all good decisions will be easy. They say time heals and I really hope it does for both of us. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending hugs your way.

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