Submitted by: Anonymous
I’m 22 years old and most my life I have been pretty careful. I took birth control pills since the age of 17. I ran out and needed a new prescription, but I was waiting to start my new job to pay for it. When November arrives around and I notice I’m a week late on my period. I took 3 at home pregnancy tests and they were all positive. To verify with an actual physician, I went to Next Care urgent care, and confirmed I was pregnant for the first time of my life.
It happened on a Thursday. The father and I had been dating for 6 months, but two days prior, I told him I didn’t want to see or hear from him anymore. We had a tumultuous relationship. On Friday morning at I sent him a text saying I really need to speak to him after work and that it was important.
That evening, surprisingly, he reacted very supportive and sensitive to the situation. I think we were both in a fight or flight mode, so without any hesitation we both agreed it was best to get an abortion. We were both incapable of taking care of our own selves financially, and adding a baby was out of the question. In a weird way, we kind of bonded over the situation. Although we had both practically made our decision, I still gave myself time to process.
During the time I was pregnant I was a depressed mess. I was skipping class. I was calling out of work. I just wasn’t moving from my bed.
My abortion appointment finally came, and honestly I was happy to get it over with. The father and I had been very rocky at this point. I wanted him to be more sensitive to my pregnant feelings and he wanted me to act normal.
I realize they’re a lot of good men out there, but the fact that some of them can just wash their hands clean and then get up and leave is exasperating. After my abortion (I took the pill), a few days had passed and I had tried to humble myself and apologize for the way I acted towards the father. After all it’s a very complicated situation and no one can truly handle it perfectly. He never responded. It was very clear he didn’t want to hear from me ever again.
So I’m dealing with a breakup at this point, and I still feel like crap. Two weeks later I have a follow-up appointment, and it turns out the pill didn’t work! My body rejected the medication!
This is where I start to spiral. I was very convinced that this is a sign, and I should have never done this. But it’s too late because now it’s a matter of making sure I don’t get an infection and the baby is probably dead or has tremendous birth defects. Two days later, I get my in-clinic surgical procedure.
Now, I’m dealing with the aftermath of all of it. Being strong and independent about this situation for a month and half now, and it has officially all hit me emotionally.
Ultimately, I picked my career over what would have been my first-born child. I just graduated with my bachelor’s of science in accounting during the end of my pregnancy, most women would be grateful to be in my position. I start a new internship, and then I’ll start on my master’s degree, so I can ultimately land the job of my dreams.
Right now I just feel selfish. Whether or not I wanted this experience to change me. It has, forever. Minor things that used to bother me seem like a joke now. The saying, “it puts life into perspective,” could not be more real.
My heart is also broken. Someone I thought was supportive and caring, just left me after knowing what I was going through.
I’m very grateful for my two best friends and my mom for being supportive through all of this. However, they can only help so much and I just feel so alone all the time.
I just keep thinking that I actually took life away. I don’t fully regret my decision, but I also don’t fully accept it. I don’t know how to move forward now because it’ll always affect me forever in my life. It’s not easy to forget. I would say it was the most traumatic experience for me. I will always know that I picked my career over a baby. I’m afraid one day I’m going to make it all the way to the top, and then ask myself was it even worth it? Or I’m going to become a workaholic robot. Is it a question of what’s important to me and how I define happiness? I don’t know.
I don’t know how to move forward. I only hope I can eventually heal.
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