Mixed Feelings

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted By: Birdie

I don’t regret, and do regret having my abortion.

I have all the practical reasons — my spouse and I don’t make enough money and neither of us have healthcare. I hadn’t even started my career yet, was and am still staying to find a decent job with benefits. My husband wasn’t ready, and may never want children. I used to think I did not, but now I’m not sure.

We were both extremely scared and anxious and depressed about bringing a child into such an uncertain and financially unstable house. Out of fear and wanting my spouse to feel better, I finally decided to have an abortion.

Rationally I know it was for the best, but sometimes I wake up at night, holding a pillow to my chest and think, “I would be holding a baby in my arms right now”, or, “I wonder what he or she would have looked like.” I saw others who were pregnant when I was and thought their babies are so lovely. I look at kids and get sad, and then I wonder if I’m even cut out for it.

I’ve been dealing with a downward spiral ever since — guilt and depression, weight gain and loss of confidence, feelings of uncertainty about my marriage because we fundamentally disagree over having children.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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One response to “Mixed Feelings”

  1. Betty

    I think those are all rational thoughts at this time. Sometimes time makes things better. Is there anyway that you and your husband can seek marriage counseling, just so he hears your side of the story and you hear his. Maybe find some common middle ground.
    You made the best decision with the choices you had at that time.

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