Submitted By: Birdie

I don’t regret, and do regret having my abortion.

I have all the practical reasons — my spouse and I don’t make enough money and neither of us have healthcare. I hadn’t even started my career yet, was and am still staying to find a decent job with benefits. My husband wasn’t ready, and may never want children. I used to think I did not, but now I’m not sure.

We were both extremely scared and anxious and depressed about bringing a child into such an uncertain and financially unstable house. Out of fear and wanting my spouse to feel better, I finally decided to have an abortion.

Rationally I know it was for the best, but sometimes I wake up at night, holding a pillow to my chest and think, “I would be holding a baby in my arms right now”, or, “I wonder what he or she would have looked like.” I saw others who were pregnant when I was and thought their babies are so lovely. I look at kids and get sad, and then I wonder if I’m even cut out for it.

I’ve been dealing with a downward spiral ever since — guilt and depression, weight gain and loss of confidence, feelings of uncertainty about my marriage because we fundamentally disagree over having children.