Mommy loves you

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Amy S.

Well, I met Mikey about 4 and a half years ago. At first, I didn’t think of him as anything, I was not even attracted to him. We hung out on and off until we caught feelings for each other. We fell in love with each other, and the way we looked at each other just could not compare to anything else. The thing was, he would always choose someone over me.

He promised to take me out, be with me, but always ended up with another girl, and another girl, and another girl. He needed to feel something so much. I always thought maybe he knew I was the one, and he was scared of my love. My love would change him, my love would make him stop acting the way he did, my love would make him not cheat. He would cheat on every single girlfriend with me. Sure, I shouldn’t have been feeding him, but I was in love with him.

I ended up getting pregnant with him in April of 2019, but I didn’t even know. I was late on my period and I had told him, and we decided to take a pregnancy test. I really did not think of anything of it. I was 25 and had never gotten pregnant since I have been 18. Anyway, I peed on the stick, or at least I thought I did. We were looking at it, and it looks like I didn’t pee on it enough. So I took the cap back off, even though you aren’t suppose to, and peed on it again. Three minutes later it came back positive.

I remember I started crying, crying because I was so scared but it was also a happy smile. I remember him hugging me and right away saying “Don’t worry we will take care of this”. Abortion had never even popped into my mind, I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. I trusted him though, and loved him with everything. We still were not sure if I was pregnant since we had did the test wrong. We waited a couple more days to see if my period would come, and it didn’t. I went over again and took a dollar store pregnancy test. This one came up with a bold line and a faded line. Again, we were not sure. So, I went home and did my research, and it says that is how the dollar store tests come back when they are positive. I showed him over a test, and he told me to make an appointment at the abortion clinic.

I made the appointment for a couple days later. I remember on a Wednesday. I knew that I made the appointment, but in my head I didn’t have to go through with it. The night before I remember rubbing my belly, crying, and told my baby that I am so sorry. I told Mikey I wanted to keep him or her, but all he said we that we made the appointment already, and to stick with the plan. I didn’t know what to do.

It was the morning of the abortion and I got ready like I was going to work. I met him at Walmart, and he drove down to Skokie with me. When we got in there, they were short of staff, so I had to wait like an hour. They also confirmed with a pee test that I was pregnant. After that was over, I went back into the waiting room for another hour. We both sat in there until we were told to come back. I had to answer all these self and family health history questions while he was just sitting there.

I was told to change into a gown for an ultrasound. I changed and was asked if I want to know if I have twins in me, if I want to look, or if I want pictures. I told the doctor I wanted him to look, but I didn’t. She said she couldn’t force him to look, and he didn’t want to. They had to stick the camera up me, which hurt really bad. She confirmed I was about 5 and a half weeks pregnant.

She closed the door, and I was getting dressed and he wanted to have sex right then and there. I was so upset. I got my clothes on and walked to the next room, while he followed. She told me the next steps. I was going to take a pill that was going to stop the baby from developing/growing, and if I didn’t take the second rounds, I would have complications if I decided I wanted to keep it. She opened a water bottle for me, and gave me the pill. I had tears in my eyes, and just wanted to burst out and cry. I had to be strong, but at the moment I should have left. That was the moment. I took the pill and swallowed it, while he sat there and watched me. She gave me the other set of pills for later, and the instructions.

We went to pay upfront and I couldn’t wait till he took that card out. I turned and walked out the door and started balling. He said ” stop, you’re too pretty to cry”, and had to run to the bathroom. We walked out, and I was just silent. We discussed what I had to do next, and drove to lake Zurich because I had to get my allergy shot. He sat in the car and waited for me. He drove me back to Walmart, and I drove home.

I had to go to school supposedly, and he would get me after. I came home and told my mom I had cramps, and acted like it was my period. I was shocked when he picked me up at night to sleep over, I felt like that’s how he I knew he cared. They told me to sleep through the night, and I should bleed. I woke up with no blood and I was worried. I laid back down and for some reason stood up and blood came pouring like a waterfall. I called for Mikey and he said “Yep, that’s the baby”.

It took me so long to share my story.

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One response to “Mommy loves you”

  1. Carmen

    Amy, I know how hard it must have been for you to share your story. Being able to share my story was the first step towards my recovery.

    I want you to know that you deserve love and happiness. It’s taken me years to forgive myself. Time will heal you.

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