I think everyone heals differently. I’m a year and a half out from my abortion, I have 3 wonderful children, and I’m on here looking for anything to help me heal from my decision. It is a daily thought, what could have been. How old she’d be.
Before I became pregnant with my 4th, I thought about what it would be like to have another. My husband was definitely not into the idea and in SO many ways I agreed. We lived in a small home and he was just finishing a masters degree. We had always planned our pregnancies and we were so lucky, never struggled, when we wanted to get pregnant we did and when we didn’t, we didn’t. So this time was a shock! My initial reaction was that of fear. How could we do this, 4 kids!
My husband was not excited and presented all the reasons we should not have this baby, and he was right, but I struggled so much to make the decision. I knew a fourth child would mean less time with my current kids who I felt like I didn’t get to see enough as it was with work travel and crazy life schedules. My daughter also started to have some issues with her pronunciation of words, which worried me, and also cleared up about a day following my abortion. We talked to our families and got support, but no one thought it was going to be easy and no one said they could help.
Ultimately, I made the decision at 9 & 1/2 weeks to have an abortion. The office people were very nice and supportive. I Was able to take the pill and decided that was the best way to do it. The doctor had to watch me take it (this was the worst moment for me. Not only was I terminating my babies life but someone was there with my husband and I while we did it. ) I knew as soon as I took the pill I made a mistake. How I could do this to something that would be my child. Just like my other 3, why couldn’t I love this one the same way? Even though I think I did. I’ve thought about this moment almost every day since.
It has gotten better over time, but I’m in no way healed and I know I will be dealing with this decision and what could have been for the rest of my life. My focus is on my kids, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. I will say it does help me appreciate them and it is a reminder to spend as much time as I can with them and cherish the extra moments I would not have had if I did have a 4th. I know overall I could’ve handled a 4th. It wouldn’t have been easy, but I’m not sure my husband could’ve handled it — at least not in the short term. At the time our finances were in question, and so was our health coverage. Overall, I wish I could have a do over. I think about having a baby now all the time, but I’m 42 so the risks are getting higher. It was my last shot and I gave it away. I’m trying to forgive myself but it’s hard.
Submitted by: Star
I am very familiar with how you feel! I’m also a mother of 3 and I had an abortion with my 4th – the surprise that we were going to have until we didn’t. I wonder if everything would have played out differently had it not all happened when it did. My youngest was 18 months old, we just moved away from everyone we knew 9 months before and it was the start of the pandemic. But initially this wasn’t an issue. And then we lost our way. The worries creeped in and took over everything. Something you said really struck me. You asked why you couldn’t move this one as much as you did the others. I agree that it’s not about that. I’m sure you did. As do I. It’s been just over a year and I’ve not stopped thinking about the one that could have been. About what my family would be like with that little creature in it. It wasn’t about that baby. It was about the lives of all of us and the uncertainty of the change. It was too much. And I also can’t stop thinking about having another baby. But the fear is still there and it’s painful to think that I could do it now when I felt I couldn’t before. I feel like I’m living three parallel lives all the time. The one that is, the one that could have been and the one that still could be. That’s what bring me here every once in a while. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this except my husband. I’ve talked to about it with therapist but how many times can you say the same thing.
I’m giving you the biggest hug I can that is coming from someone that understands you so well because that’s what I want myself. I’m wishing you strength and love.
I’m praying for you, that you make the best decision for you and your family. This is not easy.
I feel like I have connection with your story because I am a mother of 3 biological children and 1 stepson. My birth control failed when my youngest was only 3 months old. Since my husband was only working part-time and finances were very tight, we decided that an abortion was the right decision. I still struggle with this decision and always think about the baby who would have been 16 this year. I joined a support group but felt like I wasn’t the same as the others because they were 15 or 16 years old when they had their abortion and I was a mom with 4 kids. Since my other children are adults now, I am debating whether to tell them about the abortion. I’m afraid they will be angry with me.
It feels so good to know we’re not alone. Time has healed some but I still think of this decision almost daily, still wondering what could’ve been. I’m also reminded often to spend as much time with my kids as I can, and have more patience. I find using this as a way to be better helps. I’m hoping you have found some peace. Thank you for writing and lots of hugs to you.
I sit in tears as I read your story. I am 41 years old mother of 4. I recently found out I am pregnant. Like you, all my other pregnancies have been planned with thank GOD no difficulties. I realized I had miscalculated, took the plan b pill, but still ended up pregnant. I have an appointment scheduled to have an abortion. My heart feels so heavy by my decision. My last pregnancy 8 years ago was quite difficult. I was on bed rest from early on, diabetic, postpartum preeclampsia, infection while delivering, my baby soiled me while delivery, while she had her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. I struggled for hours to have a baby with minimal help of a midwife before an actual obgyn came and realized why the baby was exiting my body. I knew that luckily I was blessed with a healthy baby, but sadly wanting another in the future was over for me. Plus, not to mention that my first born, 16 years old is severely autistic, which increases my chances of birthing another autistic child. So now I find myself in this excruciating painful situation where I am pregnant because of my stupid miscalculation, but genuinely know I cannot risk these chances. Plus being older and heavier put me at higher risks than before. But, it still doesn’t make the choice any easier. My heart is broken. To top it off, I come from a very judgmental family that would never support me having another baby because of my age, and previous experiences. Luckily, I have a very supportive husband, but it hurts my heart to know how excited my other children would be to know I was having a baby. My daughter randomly said to me yesterday, “mommy, bad people like murderers belong all the way down to the bottom with the devil.” Made me burst into tears, because that’s what I feel like.
Your story sounds similar to my own. I’m only 3 days post-abortion and stumbled across this forum looking for similar stories like mine. I wanted to ask how you feel about it all today?