Submitted by: Star
I think everyone heals differently. I’m a year and a half out from my abortion, I have 3 wonderful children, and I’m on here looking for anything to help me heal from my decision. It is a daily thought, what could have been. How old she’d be.
Before I became pregnant with my 4th, I thought about what it would be like to have another. My husband was definitely not into the idea and in SO many ways I agreed. We lived in a small home and he was just finishing a masters degree. We had always planned our pregnancies and we were so lucky, never struggled, when we wanted to get pregnant we did and when we didn’t, we didn’t. So this time was a shock! My initial reaction was that of fear. How could we do this, 4 kids!
My husband was not excited and presented all the reasons we should not have this baby, and he was right, but I struggled so much to make the decision. I knew a fourth child would mean less time with my current kids who I felt like I didn’t get to see enough as it was with work travel and crazy life schedules. My daughter also started to have some issues with her pronunciation of words, which worried me, and also cleared up about a day following my abortion. We talked to our families and got support, but no one thought it was going to be easy and no one said they could help.
Ultimately, I made the decision at 9 & 1/2 weeks to have an abortion. The office people were very nice and supportive. I Was able to take the pill and decided that was the best way to do it. The doctor had to watch me take it (this was the worst moment for me. Not only was I terminating my babies life but someone was there with my husband and I while we did it. ) I knew as soon as I took the pill I made a mistake. How I could do this to something that would be my child. Just like my other 3, why couldn’t I love this one the same way? Even though I think I did. I’ve thought about this moment almost every day since.
It has gotten better over time, but I’m in no way healed and I know I will be dealing with this decision and what could have been for the rest of my life. My focus is on my kids, it’s the only thing that makes me feel better. I will say it does help me appreciate them and it is a reminder to spend as much time as I can with them and cherish the extra moments I would not have had if I did have a 4th. I know overall I could’ve handled a 4th. It wouldn’t have been easy, but I’m not sure my husband could’ve handled it — at least not in the short term. At the time our finances were in question, and so was our health coverage. Overall, I wish I could have a do over. I think about having a baby now all the time, but I’m 42 so the risks are getting higher. It was my last shot and I gave it away. I’m trying to forgive myself but it’s hard.