Safety Exit
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer
Exhale

Exhale

Listen | Support | Validate

  • About
    • What is Pro-Voice?
    • Exhale History
    • Leadership Team
    • Anti-Oppression Policy
    • Press
  • Get Support
    • After-Abortion Textline
    • Support Groups
    • After-abortion Resources
    • Self-Care
  • Volunteer
    • Become a Counselor
    • Work Behind the Scenes
    • Join the Board of Directors
  • Community
    • After-Abortion Stories
    • Exhale Blog
  • Contact
    • Request Training
    • Outreach Materials
    • Contact Exhale
Donate

My Baby Saved Me

February 20, 2021 By Exhale 1 Comment

Submitted by: M

A,

I have not allowed myself to grieve your loss. I still cannot believe that I had to make the choice to terminate my pregnancy. You were a healthy and strong baby, but I could not bring you into a world of chaos. You were a surprise, but conceived with a man I was engaged to. We were both financially ready to welcome a baby, and I dreamt of being a mother for over a decade. I was thrilled to finally be a mother, your mother. I felt you were going to be a boy, fiercely protective of your family. And, in your own unique way, you were.

R, the man I was engaged to, was not able to protect me from his family who was forcing me to convert to Islam. I was blindsided by this requirement. I did go through the motions of “accepting Islam” to avoid a stressful pregnancy, but the “conversion” took a toll on me. I felt like I was being stripped of my cultural identity, my freedom, and my dignity. I felt reduced. I felt trapped.

R’s family shamed me and gave him ultimatums. No one acknowledged or prioritized how delicate a pregnancy is, and the support needed to ensure the baby and mom’s health. I felt alone and I was fighting for my sanity. I ended up in the ER because I was suicidal. That was the turning point for me; I knew I was not in the mental space to welcome you. As a mother, I made what I knew was the best decision for you.

You protected me because you showed me the character of the man I was committing my life to. You saved me from killing myself. R left on a road trip two days after my procedure: I was 16 weeks along and had to go into the hospital alone because of COVID. I called off the engagement.

I have not taken the time to truly face the loss — all of the acute loss. This is the first time I have written in over 8 months. This feels like a release, a start to the healing.

A, I love you.

Filed Under: After-Abortion Stories

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ellie says

    May 7, 2021 at 2:53 pm

    Thank you.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Support Exhale

Help us continue to provide this imperative service.

Give Now

Footer

Contact

P.O. Box 14562 San Francisco, CA 94114
  • Amazon
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • TikTok
  • Twitter

Navigation

  • Privacy Policy
  • Give Now
  • Terms of Use

Join our Mailing List

* indicates required

Copyright © 2023 · Exhale

Exhale is a 501(c)3 organization (EIN/tax ID: 94-3393719)