My Due Date

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by Sarah Jane

Well, here it is. My theoretical due date is right around the corner….and I am not doing well with it. I realize it’s unhealthy to count, to think about my alternative life like this. But every time I see a protruding pregnant belly, I feel like someone has kicked me in the guts. “Look how happy she is”, I think. “I wish I could have been happy about it”.

My life is lacking focus. Work is becoming mundane. I am in need for something to challenge me, keep me stimulated and driven. Maybe culinary school. Maybe a move to a new city. Something else needs to fill this void, something to better myself.

On social media everyone I know seems to be getting married, pregnant, or raising a child…..while I’m busy getting a long-overdue divorce and dealing with my post-abortion emotions. I am not in a good head space. And for a normally up-beat person, people are noticing. I beat myself up a lot. My shell has hardened. I have changed because of this experience….as we all have.

My friends listen, but I know they don’t want to hear about it. They hug me and wipe away my tears but they don’t FEEL the confusion I feel. They just don’t KNOW.

This community has been just what I need. Stories and lives that are like mine. You ladies know it was the right choice for you, just like I know it was for me.

Thank you ladies, for being here. For reading this. For your kindness and support and sharing. Thank you. I feel better already.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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27 responses to “My Due Date”

  1. Sarah Clayton

    My theoretical due date is in a few days. I’ve been scouring the internet for anything to validate how I’m feeling right now. Reading this did just that. I can’t express enough how much I needed this right now. I’ve felt so alone and isolated in my pain. Like no one understands. They listen and nod, but they just don’t get it. Thank you.

    1. Amy

      My ‘due date’ is 6 weeks today. It really does creep up on you and as the time gets nearer, my anxiety and emotions increase too. I’ve been looking for forever to hear other women’s experiences and I am so grateful to find this page and understand your thoughts. I used to feel so alone in this but hearing all your words has helped me. I will always feel guilty and think of the what ifs. I wish I had the financial well-being and maturity to raise a child but when I made the decision, I did not have that and I really thought I needed that in order to succeed and provide a great life for my child. It’s choosing between your head and heart and in that moment I went with my head. Did I make the right decision? I’m not too sure on that but all I do know is that if it was to happen again, I would definitely keep my baby.

    2. It is so good to read this. It’s an old post but I’m glad other people share the same sentiment. My theoretical due date would have been next month. I feel like my life should have been so different right now. I just hold my belly and feel empty because there should have been life there. I saw an old school friend and her husband announce their pregnancy and I guess that was really triggering. I think I made the right decision but I wish things were different.

  2. C

    Today would’ve been 2 years since my theoretical due date and it still sticks with me as it were yesterday. I don’t know how to move on or if I ever will. I have nightmares about it and wake up feeling empty.

    1. Anon1

      Yesterday marked 5 years since my abortion… every year since, I’ve noticed that I become severely distant from almost everyone in my life around this time, it usually starts in the beginning to middle of March. (We conceived around 2/25/2016, my abortion was on 4/8/2016). I have begun to realize that there may be a connection to these negative feelings after all, and that I’m not actually trying to strain any of my close relationships as I’ve convinced myself is the case in the past. I’m accepting of this after putting the pieces together, but I almost feel like I’ll never truly mentally or emotionally recover from my decision. I know in my heart I made the right choice, I just need more time to fully convince myself of that.

  3. Lucy

    I really needed to read this right now. My baby’s due date would have been on Christmas day. It’s all I have been thinking about the past couple of weeks, but today has been a really hard day for me. I realise this is an old post, but thank you for sharing. My sister has recently announced she is pregnant and I’m feeling an overwhelming load of emotions that I didn’t realise I had. I’ve gone from ecstatic for her, to jealous, to angry, to upset. That’s terrible, isn’t it? I just.. I don’t know. I can’t help but wonder what would have been. To the poster who said, “I have to remind myself I did this for a reason.” Thank you for reminding me too. It’s just really, really hard sometimes.

    1. Lexxie

      Lucy, I am right here with you. You are not alone in how you are feeling.
      My theoretical due date would have been December 7. Two weeks after I had my procedure, my brother in law announced that him and his girlfriend were due in December. It broke my partner and I to pieces. I go through days where I feel confident that I made the right decision, and others where I wish I could roll back time. It feels like there are not enough distractions in the world to keep my thoughts from getting the best of me. However, I know in my heart of hearts I made the right choice for myself, my partner and to-be baby. It is just so easy to lose sight of that.

      1. Genna

        My due date would have been in two days, Feb 6th which is also my moms birthday I lost my mom 11 years ago, this is my first time to ever experience such extreme gut wrenching pain. But I also know my baby is safe with my mom, to have my due date on her birthday is a blessing. I don’t know how to cope with all these emotions just figuring it out along the way. I’m so happy I came across this page

    2. Becca newman

      I’m so glad I have read this. Wow I never thought there would be someone out there in the same exact position as me, same feelings. It’s hard when you feel so alone. I was also due Christmas Day. I’m struggling, I feel like I’m about to have a breakdown. Every time I go onto social media it feels like everyone I know is pregnant. Its like it’s just running after me. I’m so happy to have read this, I really needed it right now. Thank you :’(

      1. Elizabeth

        Tomorrow is when my baby was supposed to be born. I am hurt, ashamed, and missing him/her badly. I keep looking at my belly like something should be inside of it. Instead it is nine months later and I am still struggling every day to deal with my decision. Not only did I go through an abortion with my long time boyfriend, I recently found out he has a 3 month old baby with some random girl. Now she is the mother of his child and not me. I am really upset and depressed. All types of emotions I just don’t know what to do

        1. My due date is today, i am heart broken ? ? but this site has helped me so much and I feel less alone

    3. Meli

      Today is my theoretical due date. And I am so sad. Thank you for sharing, it’s good to know I am not alone in my feelings.

      1. Lou

        Hey Meli,
        How are you feeling now? My “due date” in on the 4th of april. This is my second abortion with the same man. We already have a boy together and together we have another 3 elder boys. We arent even living in the same house anymore. I just feel so much sadness and resentment at the moment. I feel like I know it was the right thing to do but I also feel like I put everyone before myself. I think “I could have done it” but at what cost? I also have bpd so I’m up and down emotionally anyway. I just need to say these things to someone who can relate. I’m really sad and I’m not liking myself at all. And all I cant stop thinking about is what I could have been holding and loving very soon.

      2. Amie

        Today is August 10th 2020 my baby boy Israel would have been born.
        Out of fear, and confusement me and my husband made a decision. A decision that we quickly regretted the very next second. We had done EVERYTHING in our power for a reversal, being placed on bed rest going to multiple apt.. anything to stop it. Unfortunately we miscarried on Christmas Eve… nearly three weeks after a biggest mistake ever. TODAY I should be holding my baby, today I should be grateful, excite, happy, but instead I was woken at 3:00 a.m. violently sick with stomach pains much like contractions with hot and cold sweat near the point of passing out. I don’t know if our body psychologically can go through pain as if pregnant, or remembering the pregnancy and psychologically in pain along with the physically… even though I miscarried 7 1/2 months ago.

        1. Emily

          It would have been my due date today. I just handed in my notice at a job I used to love and wonder if I’m using it as a distraction. I feel guilty that I feel quite numb about it. I’m sorry for your loss x

      3. Lis

        Tomorrow would be my due date ? and without going into the whole story – I’m 38, married mother of 2 children. My termination wasn’t forced on me but it definitely wasn’t something I was 100% wanted… right now I’m feeling resentment and more so completely heartbroken.
        I want to kiss and hold my baby, tell him that I’m sorry and that he didn’t do anything wrong. That I did, do and always will love him.
        But I can’t.
        I haven’t had closure and I don’t know how to get it.
        I started googling for someone else who can relate to my situation and reading everyone’s stories brings a bit of comfort, so thank you.

        Wishing you all the happiest of futures and sending so much love to all of our beautiful angel babies x

        1. Gemma

          My due date is tomorrow, new years eve! I feel such mixed emotions. I had always been so careful, the coil had slipped and I caught pregnant. It was the right decision, but there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t long for the baby I chose not to have. My heart goes out to each and every woman and man who goes through this.

  4. Ceirra M

    As I read this post, and the comments I was shedding tears, because I can relate I always feel no one would ever understand my hurt unless they’ve done the same. I hurt everyday for the decision I made 4 months ago. Then I thought I was making the right decision due to the fact I have a 1 yr old already but since that day, I’ve been sad, depressed and miserable! my little princess would of been here in two days and all I can think about is what if’s, and how would she look. Any advice on how to move forward or just to be happy ?

  5. M

    My due date is tomorrow. As well as my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. It should be a happy time. But it’s not. It’s the worst time. It’s like literally horrible. I hate everything and I’m so sad

    1. Shara L

      Feeling this all too well ladies 🙁 my theoretical due date is in a couple of days and every time I’m alone I begin to think about it and feel physically sick. What life would be like. My 16 month old would be having a baby brother or sister. But I made that gut wrenching choice for the best. I cry, I grieve, I sometimes regret, and right now is the ultimate challenge. This month is going to be the biggest mental struggle I’m facing. Maybe in time, I will learn to accept what happened, but right now, sadness is all I feel. 🙁

    2. Jay

      Today was what would’ve been my due date.. there’s an empty feeling I never thought existed. It’s the same feeling I had when I did my procedure back in late September last year. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my baby. My boyfriend and I talked thoroughly and the decision was mutual, however my mind always goes “what if?”. I thought I was alone until I stumbled across your post (which I’m glad I did). The first paragraph especially hit home for me.

  6. Laura

    I am in the same position. In 5 weeks time my theoretical due date will be here. I never imagined I would feel this way but I am broken. I haven’t spoken openly about my emotions post abortion to anyone so was so relieved to find this page. Another heavy blow on top of this is that our friends are due on the same day. Although a decision made with the heaviest of hearts I know it was the right one.

    1. A

      Feeling upset that all I can think about is what my baby would’ve looked and been like. I found out I was pregnant around the same time I heard my aunt was and she just recently had her boy. I know I wasn’t in a good situation to raise a child financially, living in a motel with my highest education being a diploma and my bf a GED. It’s hard to cope with the fact that I could have been a mom in a few weeks and I cry about it a lot still. My living situation isn’t any better but I’m still trying to finish my further education. If I could go back I’d do it again but I wish everyday that I could have been in a better position for the baby, it’s my deepest sorrow and I still keep the ultrasound pics..

  7. LaSandra

    I am an 18 year old. My baby would have been here in the next couple of weeks. I can’t help but imagine how different life would be or who she would grow up to be. I knew I regretted it minutes before I even did the abortion and that’s why I’m so mad at myself because I knew I would feel this way and I still went ahead and did it.

  8. Veronica

    I am in the same position you are in right now. My expected due date would have been this weekend and all I can think is what if. I barley told any of my friends for the simple fact of me not wanting to be judge and them not understanding why. I always think of the “what if”. As I write this I’ve been drinking a bottle of wine to hinder these emotions but simply cannot forget them for they always overpower any distractions. I always have to remind myself I did this for a reason. Now I don’t know your reasons of doing this but just know you are not alone. You are strong and your time will come to be that mother figure. And when that time comes I know you’ll be the best mother you can be. Times are hard but overall life is not. We’re all here together & I wish you nothing but healing and happiness throughout your future.

    1. Kirsty

      It would have been my due date today and I feel so so sad. I have struggled with my decision and just keep thinking what if. Finding this site and reading the comments made me feel like there are people that understand. I just don’t know how to deal with this pain.

    2. Kw

      Today is my supposed due date & saying those words or even typing them is hard. While I can’t say I regret the decision, I am sad that my life wasn’t in a place I felt I could provide the best life possible to my baby. My boyfriend also shares that sadness, & it took months but being able to talk about it does help. Today is a hard day, but I know the world keeps spinning & when the time is right I will be a mommy. Grief is hard, & it’s hard to grieve the unknown.

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