Submitted by: Ella
My letter to my sweet angel, and my story. I am a single mom of 1. I had a high risk pregnancy with my son due to hyperemesis. I was married to my sons dad, but divorced after almost 7 years together.
Through mutual friends, I met someone who I thought was a great guy (had been dating for 5.5 months). We never expected to get pregnant, and we were both ok with not having anymore children as we both had children from previous relationships. This one took us by surprise and I felt pressured and coerced to have the abortion by the father.
I had planned to have this baby on my own but suddenly became very sick with hyperemesis again and couldn’t take care of myself or my beautiful son. My heart hurt so much that the father was very unsupportive and his words still crush me, saying all this child was to him was a “worthlessness of a nothing”. I didn’t want the child to grow up with a father that “hated” them so much.
Since then I have been working with 2 counselors: 1 that specializes in this area of loss, and one family therapist. I want women to know you are not alone. We are all put into difficult situations we had never even thought we would be put into. We all go through these same feelings and emotions even though the subject is so, so taboo, we are not alone. You are not alone. The hurt and pain from this is so very real even though so many people think what we don’t face challenges from this. These feelings may never leave us, its shaped us, and slowly in time we heal and grow. We are strong together, and we are not alone.
My sweet angel,
I want you to know mommy thinks of you each and every single day. Please know with all my heart that I always wanted you and you were never a mistake to me. I wish I would have been able to have you and take care of your brother and myself on our own, but that would have been nearly impossible with how sick mommy gets when she’s pregnant. Please know I think every day of what could have been, and I miss you even though it feels our time together was stolen and taken so quickly. My heart deeply aches every day at the thoughts and wishes of things being different. Please forgive me. Please know I always loved you so much and I still do so much.
I know I can’t change anything at all, but I wish you would have had a father that was ok with you and loved you as much as I do. My heart breaks when I think too much and the fact that I’ll never be able to hold you like I did with your brother. He asks about wanting a brother or sister and all I can think about is you and try not to cry. My heart was so full when I had you in my tummy and him asleep in my arms. I wish for your sake your father would have been someone different. Someone who would have been by mommy’s side with having hyperemesis. Someone who would have said, hey it’s ok with whatever decision you make… we’re in this together. Not one who said hurtful things about you and didn’t want you. Because I did. I wanted you. In my heart… the universe gave you to me for a reason. I don’t know what that reason was. But please, please, please know you were loved and wanted by me.
I’m so sorry I had to make the decision to let you go. I hope one day you find your way back to me. My heart couldn’t live with the fact that your father thought you were “a worthlessness of a nothing”. But don’t worry, he’s long gone now. I’m sorry he turned out to be something else than who he showed himself to be at first. Just know if times and circumstances were different you would be here with me and your brother. Once the hyperemesis took over, it was like my body failed me. It failed us…. I love you.