Submitted by: Ashley

I had my abortion back in September 2020. I was and still am with my boyfriend, both 19 at the time. When I first found out, all I could do was cry.

I’ve always loved and wanted kids at a young age, but I got so scared in that moment. I didn’t know what to do, and even though I support abortion fully, I never thought I’d be in the position to make a decision like that. We talked about it and I was terrified. I was in college and so was he, and we couldn’t have a baby alone. I know for sure we would have got the help and support we would need, but that didn’t help much with what was going on in my head. I felt so guilty for drinking and going out with friends the last weeks that I thought I was already starting out a bad mom.

I battled with it for two weeks, then decided it would be best to abort. I got bloodwork done and went in for an ultrasound. In that moment seeing it, it sunk in for me. I started bawling rethinking everything. I found out I was 8 weeks along. After all that, I still decided to go through with it, and on the 18th of September, I took the first pill. My boyfriend couldn’t be with me through this, and that made it way harder for me.

After the first pill, I felt instant regret knowing what I had just done, and I knew there was no going back. I was a mess. The next day, the second pill I took I was also alone. Then it all hit me. I was cramping so badly, losing so much blood and throwing up. I felt so weak and most of all heartbroken. I knew I had messed up horribly. Things got so bad I ended up at the hospital I was shaking I couldn’t stop.

After about five hours I think I felt it. They say it feels like a big blood clot, and it did. After that I was so exhausted I fell asleep. That night was the most traumatic thing I’ve been through — the hardest day for me ever. I woke up and thought it was a dream but I was at the hospital and I knew it was real. The whole day I ignored calls and texts from everyone, including my boyfriend. I knew he was worried and just as upset as me, but in that moment I felt resentment towards him for letting this happen, for having to do this alone, and him not stopping me.

Now april is here and all I have been able to think about is my baby that I got rid of. I want so badly to take it all back and restart. I wish I never went down this path. It has gotten harder and harder these last months and I feel so broken. I’m not the same person I was. It affected me so heavily. Now I write letters to her/him monthly and look at the three photos I got from my ultrasound every night before bed, just praying that it gets better. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend isn’t good at comforting me, although I know he is hurting as well. Now after all this, I have never told anybody in our families, and never will. I’m ashamed at the person I look at in the mirror everyday. Thank you.