Submitted by: Ashley
I had my abortion back in September 2020. I was and still am with my boyfriend, both 19 at the time. When I first found out, all I could do was cry.
I’ve always loved and wanted kids at a young age, but I got so scared in that moment. I didn’t know what to do, and even though I support abortion fully, I never thought I’d be in the position to make a decision like that. We talked about it and I was terrified. I was in college and so was he, and we couldn’t have a baby alone. I know for sure we would have got the help and support we would need, but that didn’t help much with what was going on in my head. I felt so guilty for drinking and going out with friends the last weeks that I thought I was already starting out a bad mom.
I battled with it for two weeks, then decided it would be best to abort. I got bloodwork done and went in for an ultrasound. In that moment seeing it, it sunk in for me. I started bawling rethinking everything. I found out I was 8 weeks along. After all that, I still decided to go through with it, and on the 18th of September, I took the first pill. My boyfriend couldn’t be with me through this, and that made it way harder for me.
After the first pill, I felt instant regret knowing what I had just done, and I knew there was no going back. I was a mess. The next day, the second pill I took I was also alone. Then it all hit me. I was cramping so badly, losing so much blood and throwing up. I felt so weak and most of all heartbroken. I knew I had messed up horribly. Things got so bad I ended up at the hospital I was shaking I couldn’t stop.
After about five hours I think I felt it. They say it feels like a big blood clot, and it did. After that I was so exhausted I fell asleep. That night was the most traumatic thing I’ve been through — the hardest day for me ever. I woke up and thought it was a dream but I was at the hospital and I knew it was real. The whole day I ignored calls and texts from everyone, including my boyfriend. I knew he was worried and just as upset as me, but in that moment I felt resentment towards him for letting this happen, for having to do this alone, and him not stopping me.
Now april is here and all I have been able to think about is my baby that I got rid of. I want so badly to take it all back and restart. I wish I never went down this path. It has gotten harder and harder these last months and I feel so broken. I’m not the same person I was. It affected me so heavily. Now I write letters to her/him monthly and look at the three photos I got from my ultrasound every night before bed, just praying that it gets better. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend isn’t good at comforting me, although I know he is hurting as well. Now after all this, I have never told anybody in our families, and never will. I’m ashamed at the person I look at in the mirror everyday. Thank you.
I understand how you feel. I wish I could say that, a year later, I’m perfectly fine but that’s not true. The pain is still here but it’s not as overpowering as it was before. If you haven’t tried that yet, maybe talking to a therapist would be a good idea.
Take care of yourself.