CW: Stealthing
A year or so after my divorce which was very painful so I wasn’t ready for anything super serious yet I was casually dating. I had met him a few times before and we had had sex with a condom once before. So I thought that would be the same when I saw him again. And I gave him the condom and he put it on then we had sex. I remember it did feel really good but then after he finished I said where is the condom?? Like thinking maybe it had fallen off or broke or something. And he said it was too small and uncomfortable so he took it off. I realized he had just cum in me and I did feel panicked. He left and the next day I went to the pharmacy and got Plan B and took it. Then when my period didn’t come a few weeks or so later I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.
I didn’t understand how it could happen since I took Plan B but I researched it and it’s not 100 percent especially since I was over the standard weight for it. I can’t remember if I told him or my roommate first. I decided to tell him which in retrospect was really dumb but I thought he might step up and be supportive and say he would help me. The first thing he said was how do you know it’s even mine? I told him I had gained some weight from stress of losing my job and you saw that when we met last and even asked me about it, and so I wasn’t feeling as confident but we already knew each other so you were the only man I had sex with since my last period.
Then he told me he didn’t want it and I needed to get an abortion. That he didn’t want a child in the world that was his even if he wasn’t involved in their life. He kept saying I had to get an abortion. At some point I talked to my roommate about it and she agreed the abortion was best and told me I should ask him for money to pay for it. So I did and he sent me 250. But the crazy thing is when I very first took that pregnancy test, even though it was the result of stealthing, I was kind of happy.
I kind of wanted to keep it. But then with his response and my roommate who was already super unreliable with bills and bringing all sorts of drugs into the apartment I just kind of fell apart. I had just got a new part time job but it was the weirdest set up and I didn’t think it would last long. I didn’t think I could do it alone. I should have told my parents back in Texas but my mom has schizophrenia she won’t get treatment for. I kept thinking how she would say it was all a ploy by “the people out to get our family” to steal my dna or something crazy. I thought my parents and especially my dad would be ashamed of me for having casual sex in the first place. I remembered this one time a long time ago when I was telling them I was becoming vegetarian and I was weirdly super nervous about it. I said I have something I want to tell you and my dad immediately asked if I was pregnant and looked so scared and upset. I said no not that etc. but I always remembered that look on his face of like shame mixed with fear. I had also been smoking weed daily and that certainly didn’t help my judgement.
So I did schedule the abortion appointment. I went through with it. When I left the clinic after taking the pill I practically passed out and my face went white. I did feel like what have I just done and had the biggest panic attack of my life. I remember before I scheduled the abortion finding a book about other womens’ abortion stories and read this one about how in Islam it doesn’t have a soul until after 40 days. I thought well it’s under 40 days so I’m not taking a soul then.
But I also remember desperately hoping someone would somehow know I was pregnant and thinking about abortion, just a stranger would somehow know, and would walk up to me and tell me to keep the baby and not get the abortion. Why didn’t I listen to that part of me that so clearly wanted to keep it? But it did effect me having the father say he didn’t want it and telling me to abort. I didn’t want my child to have a father who didn’t want them and who would be a product of his deception of me. I didn’t want them to have a father not in their life and who actively hated the idea of them even existing. I regret it so much and wish I had kept it.
But I guess I did my best navigating the trauma of being stealthed and then told to get an abortion by the man who stealthed me. I never should have even told him. But idk when someone gets you pregnant it only feels like the natural thing to do is to tell him right? And before he stealthed me I did actually kind of like him and felt a connection with him and all. And my roommate sucks for telling me I should get an abortion too. I suck for not telling my parents and not asking them for help. I suck for not trusting my initial happiness when I got the positive pregnancy test.
All of it just sucks really. And there’s nothing I can do to change it.