New Grief

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

New Grief.

I am 27 years old and I have two daughters, ages 6 and 7, and they’re my world. I was dating a guy for months who I thought I wanted to marry and was in love with. I found out a lot of lies and he did some very hurtful things to me so I ended the relationship. I felt as if I was grieving that relationship and I had a “rebound” with another guy I’d met on a dating app about a month later who happened to be a travel nurse in the area. I felt bad about the encounter after and took Plan B, and went on with my life even though this guy wanted a relationship with me, I knew I didn’t feel the same.

A few weeks later, I had sore breasts, dizziness, nausea, and hot flashes. I took a pregnancy test and fell to the floor when I saw it was positive. My doctor had recently told me I’d most likely never get pregnant again due to an issue with a Fallopian tube. The plan B didn’t work. I felt shocked. I had my friend come over and I laid on the floor processing it all. The father came over and he told me he’d be OK with whatever decision I decided to make.

I found out he had a baby that was due next month with another woman across the country. I didn’t want to have my child born into something so messy and my other children to be subjected to the mess also. He already was about to have a kid across the country and said he’d be there for her. I didn’t want a Child with siblings all over the country that we had to share time with family they don’t even know. I barely knew this guy and knew I didn’t want to be with him as I was still not healed from my last relationship.

Because it’s before Christmas and I was going to be out of town with family, I was lucky to get in to the clinic the day after my positive test, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to get in for 2 weeks. I was afraid it would have a heartbeat by then and it would be harder for me. It all happened so fast. I was given the pills for medical abortion. I took the first after sitting in the car for an hour debating to take it or not.

I went home later and had a friend stay with me because I was so scared. I did the other 4 pills that night. I had some menstrual-like cramping for 2-3 hours but no significant bleeding really. Throughout the next two days, same thing. I eventually went to the ER due to excruciating pain. I had an ectopic pregnancy scare but come to find out, I had an incomplete abortion.

I cried my eyes out. I begged the doctor to help me reverse it and she told me it wasn’t possible. The gestational sac had collapsed and needed to leave my body or I risked a uterine infection. I couldn’t bear to take the pills again and have it done by my hands again.

I feel so much regret and guilt. The doctor made me feel like everyone else felt relieved after their abortions. maybe a little sadness but I felt like the black sheep with how emotional I was being. It made me feel alone was maybe something was wrong with me. I have an appointment scheduled for a follow up to make sure I’m healthy again.

Right now, I’m just feeling very empty, upset, emotionally numb, and have had the worst crying headache I’ve ever had. The sadness and grief comes in waves. I went to Target for more pads and I saw a couple with a tiny baby and I lost it. I went to TJ Max after to get a Christmas gift and I cried in the bathroom after seeing baby clothes and thinking what this child could’ve looked like. That’s when I had to get home and cry alone in my bathroom with no one around.

I feel regretful and still hopelessly wishing the doctors are wrong and that God will make a miracle happen and they’ll tell me they were mistaken and the pregnancy can continue, but I know that’s not an option. I wish I could take it back. I’m not sure when the grief and regret and shame go away or if they ever will.

Reading the stories on here has helped me relate to the feelings. I struggle with Christianity just always believing abortion was never an option. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I think a lot of my guilt comes from religion. I know God is forgiving but it doesn’t help me feel any better about forgiving myself. I feel empty and sadness like I’ve never felt before. I truly hate the decision I made and more hate the fact that there’s nothing I can do to take it back.

Submitted by: Presley

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