Not The End

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Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Mikaela

2 days late on my period woke up feeling so sick — a different type of sick. I knew instantly.

I was numb cause I knew I did not want to have a kid yet for so many reasons on top of reasons. I took a test and there it was 2 lines. I didn’t cry or feel anything. The first thing I did was call Planned Parenthood and schedule the appointment. I didn’t tell anybody at all — I felt fine and okay with my choice and was going to do it alone.

I called and they said it was too soon. I was kinda upset I didn’t want to wait because I knew it was growing every day and I didn’t want to let it sink it. I found out December 19th, 2020, and my appt was January 6th. I was actually fine until the day came for my appt. When I got there the emotions became VERY real. She asked me if I had any support in my decision and that’s when I became sad and worried because I didn’t I didn’t tell anyone… not even the guy. I didn’t tell him because he liked me way more then I liked him, and I thought he was going to guilt trip me into keeping it or make me feel bad for my decision. So I lied to the nurse and said people supported my decision, and for the rest of my appt that’s all I could think about.

I took the first set of pills, called my mom instantly and told her everything, and she comforted me. It was the worst day of my life. I was an emotional wreck and didn’t know if I was making the right choice anymore. I keep going back and forth if I should take the other pills and if I could do it. I believed I was capable because people do it all the time. My mom did it, but the fact of the matter is that I didn’t want to. I wanted so much more for myself and for my kid. I just didn’t want to go through having to make that choice.

I cried all day long going back and forth over and over. I finally went to bed, woke up and felt a lot more calm and was ready to finish the next set of pills. I took them and it was pretty easy compared to the stories I’ve heard. The days to following were hell emotionally, crying randomly, confused, very very confused, and sad wondering if I made the right choice.

I finally decided to tell the guy because I felt like it was right, and I was going to deal with however he reacted. He was super comforting and made me feel so much better about my decision. He understood and agreed with why I made my choices. Things were going good and my 21st birthday came soon after. I was doing fine with it. I could think about it and it wasn’t difficult, it was just something that happened in my life. But these past two days have been very hard and are feeling like the first weeks when it happened.

The sadness is unbearable and I think it’s because I’m not with the father and he said hurtful things. I’m feeling very alone, but it could be the birth control or PMS. Maybe this could just be what happens to woman when they make this life changing decision. But I wanted to tell my story for myself and the woman out there feeling the same way as me. Right now it’s unbearable but I’m hoping this is not forever and it’s easier with time.

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