Religious Guilt

religious guilt childhood bedroom

I came from a very religious family.

I had a medicated abortion in December 2022. It was a very traumatic experience, BITH physically & psychologically. It’s February now and the trauma and anxiety is still extremely prominent. It is breathing down my neck every day.

I have moments of pulsating panic from time to time. Certain things trigger me like pregnant people & babies/pregnancy in movies or TV shows. I feel weak because I feel like those things shouldn’t affect me but they do after this experience.

I am trying to be gentle with myself and give my body and mind time to heal, but it is so hard, all I want to do is move on. I made my decision in a split second. I have no regrets nor do I feel ashamed of it.
However, I am a pastors daughter. And the religious guilt that follows my decision has been a weight in my shoulders that I cannot escape. Of course I did not tell my parents, nor will I ever as I am an adult and it is not their business.

But just knowing their stance on abortion and knowing what I have been grown up and coerced to believe is the “only right choice”, I cannot help but feel an enormous amount of religious guilt for what I have done.

I consider myself a post-evangelist, learning and rediscovering the world without church, or strict religion like I had growing up. It has been a fantastic journey and I have learned so many new things about the world and about myself.

But I am frustrated with this guilt that has come up post-abortion. I don’t know how to deal with it, how to process it, how to move past it; because religion has been my entire life until recently.

My situation is very niche, and I feel very alone. My boyfriend has been my truest and biggest supporter through all of this. And the only other person I have told is my sister. She has also been supportive but I don’t talk to her as much.

I am starting therapy tomorrow. For many reasons but this is the first thing I want to tackle. I am tired of feeling paranoid of it happening again, guilty, and triggered. I am so exhausted. I want to learn how to trust my decision and trust my mind and body.

I want to look back at my decision and know wholeheartedly that it was the right thing for me to do without having religious guilt looming over me telling me otherwise.

I am hoping to grow from this and move on with my life.

Thank you for listening, whoever you are.

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