Submitted By: Anonymous

I found out I was pregnant shortly after my 21st birthday. I recorded myself looking at the pregnancy test, thinking if it was positive it would be a great memory to have for the baby. I was excited, nervous of course, but I felt like I was being given a purpose.

My boyfriend came home from work that evening and I told him. He was kind, but I knew he was panicking. He told me he didn’t think we should have it, but that it was up to me. I was so thrown by his response. Looking back I know it was naïve of me to think that he would’ve responded any other way, but I so desperately wanted him to tell me he wanted the baby as much as I did.

I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for two weeks from that day, thinking I could just take two weeks to make my decision and I would have the appointment if I needed it. I told one friend who said she would support me no matter what, I spoke to my therapist at length. Secretly I felt sure I would be keeping the baby, I googled prices for used strollers and cribs, I made plans. It was just a matter of convincing my boyfriend. But he didn’t budge.

Days went by and my belly started to bloat, a visual reminder of what was happening inside of me. I cried myself to sleep for two weeks. I laid in bed and whispered to my baby on the inside, I love you, I want you. Two days before my appointment I finally told my parents. They were extremely understanding. They held my hand and asked if I wanted their opinion, I said yes. They told me they wanted to be grandparents, they wanted us to be parents, but not right now. I went home knowing I would be going to my appointment.

That morning I woke up early, I tried to meditate, I looked at my bloated belly in the mirror and said goodbye. My boyfriend took me to Planned Parenthood but because of COVID he wasn’t allowed inside with me. I quietly cried while the nurse asked me questions. On a scale of 1-10 how confident in my decision was I, I said 5. Maybe that number was low enough that she wouldn’t give me the pills? The whole time I felt like I was waiting for somebody to stop me. I sent my boyfriend a picture of the ultrasound, maybe he would suddenly decide he did want the baby? I felt like a zombie.

The regret and grief I have felt over this have been like nothing I could ever have imagined. I anticipated both of those feelings, but I did not know how much they would be with me constantly. It’s only been four months but still it is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night. I spend hours awake every night because I can’t stop thinking about it all. I resent my parents and my boyfriend for not wanting the baby, I hate myself for not sticking up for what I wanted. I feel like I had no time to make a decision, I feel like I didn’t allow myself the freedom to make a decision.