Struggling With Regret

beautiful waterfall on a cliff surrounded by greenery

Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted By: Anonymous

I found out I was pregnant shortly after my 21st birthday. I recorded myself looking at the pregnancy test, thinking if it was positive it would be a great memory to have for the baby. I was excited, nervous of course, but I felt like I was being given a purpose.

My boyfriend came home from work that evening and I told him. He was kind, but I knew he was panicking. He told me he didn’t think we should have it, but that it was up to me. I was so thrown by his response. Looking back I know it was naïve of me to think that he would’ve responded any other way, but I so desperately wanted him to tell me he wanted the baby as much as I did.

I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood for two weeks from that day, thinking I could just take two weeks to make my decision and I would have the appointment if I needed it. I told one friend who said she would support me no matter what, I spoke to my therapist at length. Secretly I felt sure I would be keeping the baby, I googled prices for used strollers and cribs, I made plans. It was just a matter of convincing my boyfriend. But he didn’t budge.

Days went by and my belly started to bloat, a visual reminder of what was happening inside of me. I cried myself to sleep for two weeks. I laid in bed and whispered to my baby on the inside, I love you, I want you. Two days before my appointment I finally told my parents. They were extremely understanding. They held my hand and asked if I wanted their opinion, I said yes. They told me they wanted to be grandparents, they wanted us to be parents, but not right now. I went home knowing I would be going to my appointment.

That morning I woke up early, I tried to meditate, I looked at my bloated belly in the mirror and said goodbye. My boyfriend took me to Planned Parenthood but because of COVID he wasn’t allowed inside with me. I quietly cried while the nurse asked me questions. On a scale of 1-10 how confident in my decision was I, I said 5. Maybe that number was low enough that she wouldn’t give me the pills? The whole time I felt like I was waiting for somebody to stop me. I sent my boyfriend a picture of the ultrasound, maybe he would suddenly decide he did want the baby? I felt like a zombie.

The regret and grief I have felt over this have been like nothing I could ever have imagined. I anticipated both of those feelings, but I did not know how much they would be with me constantly. It’s only been four months but still it is the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think about every night. I spend hours awake every night because I can’t stop thinking about it all. I resent my parents and my boyfriend for not wanting the baby, I hate myself for not sticking up for what I wanted. I feel like I had no time to make a decision, I feel like I didn’t allow myself the freedom to make a decision.

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

Text Exhale Pro-Voice:


Our confidential textline is available in the US and Canada and is staffed during the following hours:

Weekdays: 3 pm-9 pm (Pacific Time)
Saturdays: 1 pm-9 pm (Pacific Time)
Sundays: 3 pm-7 pm (Pacific Time)

Se habla español.
Due to high text volume, please expect a response within 24 hours.

2 responses to “Struggling With Regret”

  1. Asia

    I feel the same way. I just terminated my pregnancy Friday, and I have so many regrets. Especially, since I kinda wanted it, but I let the dad talk me into getting one. I have so much guilt and regret, because I wasn’t strong enough, and a part of me was hoping that he would change his mind about wanting the baby especially since we already have a child together.

  2. anonymous

    I empathize with your story, as mine is very similar. I wanted to keep my baby so bad, but I knew my partner wasn’t on the same page (made it quite clear). Although my situation has only been less than 2 weeks, everyday I think about what could have been, I feel angry at myself for not having the courage to take responsibility. Everyday it’s the same feeling of sadness and emptiness that no one can understand. I just hope that one day I can forgive myself.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *