I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and honestly we had never really used birth control. We’ve tried condoms and the patch, but mostly we relied on withdrawal. Something was bound to happen eventually, and I ended up pregnant at 22.
I kept switching back between keeping the baby or getting an abortion, but in the end I felt that we were too young to provide the best for our baby. My boyfriend said that he supported whatever decision I made, but it still makes me feel like some kind of monster.
I actually had the abortion yesterday at a Planned Parenthood, and the staff were very supportive and non-judgmental about my decision. The best part was that my boyfriend was allowed to be with me the whole time.
The ultrasound technician was very respectful of my choice not to hear the heartbeat or see the ultrasound, although now I wonder if I’ll regret not looking at all.
Next was a round of nurses who took my vitals, blood work, and went over tons of information regarding the actual abortion, drug/painkiller options, and taking care of myself afterwards. I also took 800mg of Ibuprofen and an antibiotic. I had wanted the iv conscious sedation, but the doctor didn’t recommend it as it would make it harder for me to recover.
I had expecting an intense counseling session on whether I really wanted to do this, but the nurses just asked how I was feeling about my decision after getting all this information. In a way, I kind of liked that because I didn’t want to keep talking about my feelings and getting emotional in front of strangers.
I was given an anxiety pill, then they left me alone for 30 minutes. Although the pill was supposed to kick in after only 15 minutes, I really appreciated having the extra time to relax and think about my decision. I was almost asleep when the actual doctor came in.
When it was time for my abortion, two other ladies came in with the doctor. One lady was there just to be by my side and comfort me throughout the procedure, and I cannot express how touching and soothing that was.
They laid a heat pad over my stomach before dilating my cervix, and I honestly barely even felt the numbing shots. However the next few minutes consisted of terrible cramps that seemed never ending. The lady next to me kept reminding me to breathe and told me to squeeze her hand, and she told me to hold on because I was almost done. I really hadn’t known how my body would react, but I rarely get cramps so it felt terrible for me. I also felt a lot of pressure. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say the cramps were a 6 or 7 (with 10 being most painful). Of course, every person reacts differently and I have a low pain threshold. Near the end, I also began feeling nauseous.
I made the mistake of glancing at the tubes leading back to the machine, and let’s just say I don’t recommend doing that.
The cramps got a little more intense near the end, but the doctor told me she was just checking to make sure she got everything . . .
Afterwards, the doctor came to the bed to tell me I was okay before she left. The lady next to me asked me to describe the pain during the procedure on a scale of 1-10, then my current pain. The cramps definitely improved a lot once it was over, but it still took about 5-10 minutes for them to settle down.
Throughout everything, I had stayed in the same room and they told me to rest a little before trying to get up and leave. A nurse who had talked to me earlier came in to monitor me, while I just laid there with the heating pad. After 5 minutes I started getting up with the help of my boyfriend, but I noticed the nurse stayed by my side and offered a hand with getting my clothes and shoes on. I was dizzy afterwards, so my boyfriend held onto me to make sure I didn’t fall.
I was really thankful Planned Parenthood gave me the choice of having my boyfriend being with me, and that I didn’t have to keep switching rooms. They estimated that it would take 2 – 4 hours, but it only took about 2.5 hours.
The only thing I didn’t like was how I was told I had the choice of paying the $455 upfront or bringing my insurance card. The receptionist pretty much said I needed to pay right then because it would be cheaper than if they just billed insurance. For example, if they only billed insurance, the claim could be $2000 and my insurance pays 80% of that. I wanted to just bill my insurance, but she was adamant. So I felt like I was lied to about my choices, but I was too damn nervous and anxious to argue with her.
I went to eat something with my boyfriend, then we went home and I passed out for a few hours. When I woke up, I just started crying really hard and I couldn’t stop.
It’s the second day now, and I’m not quite sure how to feel. I’m okay sometimes, but other times I get really sad. I tell myself this just means I need to work harder in school and get a good job, so that I’ll never have to worry about taking care of a baby if I get pregnant again. Also, I’ll never be without birth control again.
My boyfriend admits that he doesn’t know what I’m feeling, he just feels bad that I had to go through emotional and physical pain. He told me he almost wanted to say he changed his mind right before the abortion, but he didn’t want to influence my choice.
It’s frustrating sometimes because I feel like no one understands me, but I’m not ready to talk to a stranger about this yet. I guess I just want to say that abortion isn’t the most painful thing in the world, but I would recommend bringing someone you love and trust with you. I was pretty scared, but I knew I couldn’t give my baby the life it deserved as a broke college student.
I am stuck with what choice to make, have 2 kids have had 2 miscarriages, now found out a sneaky egg snuck through, I’m guessing medical abortion feels like a miscarriage? Confused alone and so not ready to make a choice but running out of time.
This page was very helpful leading up to today. Had my surgical abortion today. Found out I was pregnant at 7 weeks. I kept go back and forth with having an abortion or not. And finally decided to go through with the procedure at 11 weeks. My husband and I broke medical students . I didn’t want to be a mom and I was afraid my dreams wouldn’t come through if I had a baby now. The procedure was short and affordable and the clinic staff were friendly. Hope I don’t regret it down the line (I don’t think I will) . Thank you all again for sharing your stories. It was appreciated and found it helpful
…I was just over 15 weeks, and in an abusive relationship. I found out i was pregnant on a friday and they hurried me into a clinic for monday.
Two nurses couldn’t find my veins for pre-surg IV meds; a third nurse refused to even try to find my veins. The SURGEON had to put in my IV. ON THE OPERATING TABLE.
SO….I was very wide awake. You don’t want to see that, and it’s a trillion times harder with no support.
I am 5’9″ and was 113 lbs. I couldnt breathe from the anxiety.
I don’t regret the abortion, but I’m always going to be disgusted with myself for ending up in that situation in the first place.
It was a terrible situation. And of course I had to get a second abortion less than 2 years later. Thankfully the second one was medical. I still cried bc I was mad at myself, and feeling SO stupid. The surgical one is the one that will haunt me forever…but it was MY choice. I am PRO CHOICE.
OUR bodies are OURS. We all have gut instinct to do what is best in current situation. Regardless… it was *hard* to make it through.
But not impossible.
Love and courage to any lovely lady, no matter what her choice is. She will need it.
I’m going through very similar, I’m 11 weeks pregnant, since I found out bounced back and forth on what to do, my relationship had since broken down, he has 2 children already while I have none and also have fertility issues, he’s cheated, lied wished I miscarry to his baby mum while telling me he wants the baby, I always said I was against abortion due to my own issues but supported anyone who had, I finally bit the bullet and made my appointment with an abortion agency, and was told I had to have a surgical abortion the next day, and I had an emotional break down in that time and cancelled it, I now wish I never did and went through with it, I’m not ready to be a mum I am only just making ends meet, I’m so conflicted on what to do as this could be my only chance! I wish he wasn’t the dad!! If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it!
I’m in a very similar situation. I’m only 4 weeks and debating on whether or not I should get the abortion. I was always pro choice but personally never saw myself being able to get the abortion. But my baby dad is the worst we were together for 3 months he was controlling and is very unstable. He will make my life hell if I have this baby, so I don’t think I can. I haven’t even told him yet. It makes me sad because I am already a single mom to a 2 year old so I know I could do it alone. But he will prob try to take this child from me and I can’t deal with that heartache. If he doesn’t want to be involved and you are keeping the baby you are probably better off.
Amanda Jane says
Hi Paige, I like you feel similarly. Always been pro choice, but never thought I could. I am curious if you went through it already, now that the state of Illinois is in lockdown and the rest of the country is heading that way, was the current state of events an issue at the clinic? I wonder if you are even able to have some one with you during the process? Your post is the most recent submission, so I just wondered.
Thanks in advance,
Freaked for a million a reasons mama in the city
I kept a baby with an abusive man. I stayed until she was 11 and realized what was going on. Now I am dating the nicest man and am pregnant at 40 and couldn’t be happier. Life is short – there are SO many other people to have kids with. Don’t bring an abusive person in your life – or the life of your toddler.
Let me know if you would like some support or to talk.
I had an abortion at 6 weeks years ago I thought I was too young and broke, even though I was 24. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what could’ve been of the baby, of me and of my life . I’m sure I would’ve been fine but it is scary news if you don’t feel ready and what makes it worse is not talking to anyone about it. I’m sure if I would’ve told someone I most likely would ve made a different decision.
I’m 19 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. The decision to get an abortion has definitely not been an easy one. But neither one of us are employed and we both still live at home. We just arent ready to support another human being. I never thought I’d ever consider an abortion. I always told myself I’d never do it. But we made the appointment yesterday. According to my last period, I’m 9 weeks and 6 days. But the appointment is a week from today. I am very scared because I am not very good at handling physical pain. And I have never had cramps during a period other than slight aches. I also have anxiety. And due to the current pandemic my boyfriend is not allowed to go with me. I’m hoping the pain won’t be very bad and that I find a way to get through the procedure. As much as I feel bad doing it, at this point in my life it needs to be done.
How did it go? I’m in the same boat and terrified ?
How was it? I’m 20 and 12 weeks nearly and have a conscious sedated surgical abortion on Friday and I am so little so so terrified. Was it ok?
I have mine tomorrow in a foreign country and I am 10 weeks nearly 🙁
I am 39, I have 2 beautiful girls 17 & 10. I found out I was pregnant, I’m currently 8 weeks. I have decided to terminate. I haven’t told anyone because my mind is made up. I’m already struggling with my 2 there is no way bringing a 3rd in would improve the situation. I have an appointment for medical abortion on Friday Jan 3rd. I know this is the best decision for me. After it’s completed I will be making an appointment with my obgyn to get my tubes tied bc I will be 40 in June & feel like I’m too old to start over, my baby is 10..smh. I pray for all you ladies, that you find comfort. Don’t let anybody make you feel bad about your decisions. At the end of the day, whether you decide to have a baby or terminate the pregnancy it’s your decision.
How Was It?
I found out I was pregnant on Valentines Day and I was very much in shock because me & my boyfriend had been broken up for months not only that I been feeling sick for a while since before Christmas & I took two at home pregnancy test in January that’ were both negative. Arriving to the clinic I didn’t expect them to tell me I was pregnant again which would be my 6 time . I have no kids so it was so much running through my mind leaving the clinic I was told I was 15 weeks. That stressed me out completely I started thinking how I was partying for Christmas & New Years Eve I’m only 21 what if my baby has issues. I was confused it’s a mental trauma to keep having abortions. I was on Birth control Depo & the patch . I still managed to get pregnant multiple times. Today I had my first sonogram appointment everyday I wake up feeling different maybe I should keep it or maybe terminate it. I hated the fact of killing my baby again I felt that this was a sign from god that it’s just meant to be. At the sonogram appointment I found out I was only 8-9 weeks it did relieve some stress because I felt like I had more time but I also didn’t want to keep waiting. I had mad an appointment earlier on before I had the sonogram appointment to TPO ( termination of pregnancy) But that’s when I thought I was 15 weeks now I’m not sure if I should go to the appointment & get on the table. The day after I seen my baby. I’m so young work 3 jobs & have a brand Also do Hair & Makeup on the side . I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to my parents (well mother) because she will force me to keep my child. My boyfriend already has a child but he’s been excited every time I’ve gotten pregnant. When you read this you’ll see how all over the place I am & understand that’s my life Crazy & All over the place.
Heather Akers says
I had a missed miscarriage at 42. Took pills to pass the fetus for month and they did not work. Had to go to planned parenthood but they would not let my husband go in the room with me, he had to stay in the waiting room the entire time. I was awake and hurt: I would have been knocked out if it was do at the hospital but my insurance wanted me to pay a $2,500 deductible.
Anyone here that can talk to me about medical abortion? Please
I’m scheduled to have a medical abortion tomorrow morning. The man that I’m with is a celebrity and wants me to keep it. I know my baby would be good financially but I’m just not ready. He has several other children with other women and I just don’t want to be another baby mama. I don’t have any kids and I don’t think I ever want to have kids. He is begging me not to do this but I don’t feel like our relationship will last for SEVERAL reasons. I love him so much and I’m so conflicted. Right now I’m so nauseous and confused. I keep looking at the next 5-10 years of my life like what will it be like? My mother had me in a similar situation and I grew up with separation anxiety and other mental issues due to being born in a broken home. ? I want a real family. He promises that things will be different from what I experienced as a child but I don’t believe him. I’m screwed either way. I love children but in also love my life as it is now. I just don’t know what to do. ?
Im a little confused. I have a 2 year old who was conceived through IVF. It took 3 rounds to get her.
Im in a very bumpy relationship and I think as of today its over. Im 8 weeks pregnant. It was a shock. Im still in shock and not too excited about it. After all the arguments and instability , I feel I should get an abortion. I dont think I could handle 2 kids on my own, bub is a handful and x partner is not the most supportive emotionally or financially.
I just am fighting myself as it took so long to get our 1st baby, now Im considering an abortion. It feels crazy.
Im dealing with alot atm so Im scared that Im going to make the wrong decision because of my emotions
Other than the IVF, I am going thru the same confusion. I have a child now with someone else and I am currently 9 weeks and I am at odds with having an abortion. I don’t wanna feel like a monster if I decide to get it done. But I don’t want to continue to have children and not be in an stable relationship emotionally or financially! I’m just At odds
I’m so sorry you feel the way you do, from my experience I had the same emotions same age same situation my long term partner and I were up to our necks in debt and we didn’t want to bring a baby into that situation, I cry and my partner still blames himself for not having a good enough job but time heals you get a second chance and how blessed are we that we have the opportunity to make that choice I wish you the best of luck x
Myka, I am very much is this position and I needed to read this so much today. Thank you. I’m terrified and anxious etc I know what I want but I’m still worried if I’m making the wrong choice.
I had an abortion today. I was in a toxic relationship for 3 years which as crazy as this sounds I only really started to notice once I found out I was pregnant. I was planning on keeping it until I found out about my now ex partner cheating lying etc there’s so much more to it which I won’t get into. I came to the decision that I can’t bring a child into that situation. I believe it was the right thing to do however it’s like my heart and head are battling each other. I’m hurting and it’s my own fault because I was stupid enough to get myself into this situation, it’s something that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.
I’m in the UK so very lucky to get the national health service here therefore I didn’t have to pay. I went into the hospital at noon today, I was asked if I’m sure i want to go ahead with it which I said yes. I was given various tablets .. painkillers, anti sickness and the last one was the one that softened my uterus making the procedure more straight forward. I had to wait about 3 and a half hours for that tablet to kick in. Had mild cramping during this time. I was then taken through to surgery and put to sleep. I think I was only put to sleep for around 15 minutes, the procedure itself didn’t take long at all. I was put in recovery to wake up then I was put back to the ward where I rested for a couple hours before being told I could go home. My friend picked me up and stayed with me for a bit tonight. Said I was going to my bed so she left but now I’m lying here wide awake with a thousand thoughts going through my head.
How are you now? I am also in the UK, booked for an appointment this week but I’m still not sure what to feel or if I’m making the right decision. I hope that you are okay.
Hi Myka . I have 3 Children my oldest is 15, middle child 11, and the youngest is 10 . I am currently pregnant just not sure how many weeks since my periods have been very irregular since December I was having up to three periods una month until March . I am married and all of my children are from my husband but I don’t think I can go on and have a other baby mentally and physically I’m drained . I hope this is the right decision I have a appt on Monday and I’m hoping I’m 10 weeks or under so I can just take the pill. My husband is supporting me and honestly I don’t know how that makes me feel because well he is not very supportive usually . Your comment makes me feel a little better that there is women with families needing to have a abortion and I’m not the only one .
How are you? Did you go through with it? I too have 3 kids (11, 9 and 7) and terminated a little past 7 weeks. I’m was ready to move on and focus on my career (been a stay at home mom all this time), drained by motherhood, want something more out of life. But now with the pandemic I’m really depressed and second guessing my decision and regretting it as my career prospects are pretty much non existent right now. My kids are all at wonderful, independent ages and I think I’m forgetting the sleeplessness, exhaustion, strain of a new baby. I want to try for another (my therapist and husband think I’m crazy) but my husband just had a vasectomy and I feel such a void and regret. Anyways, let us know how you are doing Claudia.
I had the implant in my arm for about a year then took it out around early late July early August because I thought I was very moody from it, weight gain, cravings everything. Two weeks later I got pregnant. I was 19 and now I’m 20. I was in the transition of moving with my boyfriend to LA in September to be closer with my family and didn’t notice symptoms until about October. I thought I was sick or something so I got checked and found out I was pregnant.. I’ve gone through a lot since I was 5 that no one would imagine so it’s scarred me and left me with anxiety and depression. After dropping out of college in Santa Barbara bc of a mental hospital for attempting my life just went downhill it felt. My boyfriend and I wanted to keep it but our new “luxury apartment” near LA didn’t care about the noise or anything (it was unbelievable, more parties than SB!!) rent was not cheap and I was paying all the rent. Financially I was being drained from the apt complex and actually was harassed by the management. I could not raise a baby living there and was in the process with a lawyer so I did not know how long it would take living there. We were financially ok, but I gained weight from stress even before the pregnancy, and I just wasn’t in a good headspace. I get jealous and all that and didn’t think having a baby would help. I didn’t think I could focus on something I want to give all my love, affection, attention, everything when I was dealing with so much mentally and emotionally. So I went with the abortion pill. There’s no balance on how I feel. Stuck between thinking I made the right decision or not. I always feel guilty about it but then I think it’s good though because what if I didn’t change when I had the baby? What if I was still always jealous, always thinking negatively about myself. My boyfriend was supportive and “feels the same” but he doesn’t really know what it feels like. He wishes we kept it but feels the same about us that we need to be stronger. The baby would’ve been born by now… in July same month as my sisters. Month after mine. I’ll always regret it but it’s made me think of what’s most important and how I can best prepare myself.
I just found out I am pregnant yesterday and I know I am in no position right now to keep it. It’s making me really sad but I know I am making the right decision. It’s just tough because I had an ultrasound today and I could actually see the baby at just 9 weeks. This is def one of the toughest experiences I’ve ever been through. I just want it to be over with but I know I’ll never forget what I plan on doing.
I think you did the right thing. If you didn’t want to raise a family yet, that’s ok. I’m sorry for the pain of going through this but your feelings are normal. I’m glad you are considering birth control. Don’t forget to check in with your boyfriend of his feelings…guys tend to hide things but he will appreciate you asking him. Even if he says it doesn’t matter. It does. You may have to ask him several times before he opens up…again guys don’t like to be a burden and they prefer to solve problems rather than talk about feelings…but it’s time we as women, start communicating better with our partners.
You’re a strong and brave woman; there is nothing wrong or shameful about the decision you made on behalf of your own autonomy! You’re an intelligent woman for recognizing your own wellbeing comes first and foremost before entering into a lifelong commitment you weren’t prepared for. I wish you the best of luck with your apartment, relationship, and mental health journey!
I’m 6weeks pregnant and have booked surgical t.o.p for 2 weeks time.
I have a 5 year old and 11month old.
My boyfriend and I splitt up about 3 weeks ago, just 2 weeks later I found i was pregnant.
He really wants it but says he is supportive of my decision.
I felt ok with my choice, a sense of relief that it will all be over soom, back to normal like it never happened…. but i still feel confused.
Is it normal to cry when I think about stopping my pregnancy? Even of its the right thing? Or does that mean that maybe it really isnt the right thing.
I think it would be more selfish to have the baby, because of my 2 children needing me and i would worry about how I would cope on so little sleep and having one more baby than i have pairs of hands….
But then I think about how it might be a year down the line, maybe it would be amazing? Maybe the baby will be really close to its sister, as only 19months between them….
I love both my children but I dont know that i would manage another, with nonlove-in partner and the pregnancy at the same time as caring for my 11month old amd 5year old….
Every time i feel settled with decision, i have a fleeting thought of ‘what if’
Any guidance for how to clarify?! Everyone says only I can make the right choice but looking for a bit of outside opinion . . . . Tia xx
I was 9 weeks pregnant when I first found out.. when I found out I was in shock I was in denial. I wanted to have a baby, but I wasn’t ready yet. I had an abortion and I know it was the right decision. It was really hard at first, but it was best for me.
How did it feel did you take the medicated form I’m not good with pain in jus scared that o waited tell 9-10 weeks
Just found out I’m pregnant today. It’s so confusing seeing all the stories.. they seem to mostly be regret. I know I’ll regret abortion. I know I’ll wonder almost every day about the baby I never had.. its so scary. Because idk if I can get my shit together for this baby. I’m just so scared either way
Hi guys,So today I went to the dr to do my abortion but than I was so scared I ended up saying something else.i told the dr that I am pregnant but I feel so sick so he puts me on ultra sound than I found out that am 9weeks pregnant and I heard the babies heart beat I was so torn I don’t know what to do but I know am not ready for this baby because i am still too young to raise another baby I really wanna do it
I just had a surgical abortion myself and this thread has been so helpful. I hope I’ll start to feel better about my decision someday and that I’ll be able to get pregnant again when my partner and I are ready.
I am currently crying reading your post. I recently found out I was pregnant and I have made my decision to terminate my pregnancy. It’s been a tough decision I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years as well and we have always used the pullout method. I am 21 years old and neither me or my family can support this baby. It’s the best choice for me and the baby. I also told myself this means I will work harder so I never have to go through this again. I have a very supportive friend who keeps telling me everything is going to be okay but the truth is, she has no idea what I’m going through. I feel like a monster but I know it’s the best decision. The clinic told me I was a little over 10 weeks according to my last period but I know that’s wrong. I know it happened sometime in May.. I also had taken 3 pregnancy tests that all came out negative. I have an appointment to take a pill on Tuesday but I may have to get an in clinic procedure. I was nervous but your post made me feel better and at ease and it made me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you so much for that. You really helped me a lot. I want to get the IV sedation because I really don’t want to be awake and feel injection in my cervix but after reading your post, I think I will be fine if I have too. I would really love to talk more. Thank you so much
Did u get the iv sedation or we’re u awake with the Injections? I’m terrified I’ve taken the pill in 2015 and was actually ok just tons of heavy bleeding for like 6 weeks . I’m 7 weeks and a few days but I think a little earlier cuz my last period was may 15 I need had umplanatation bleeding.pls let me know how it went
Omg my last period was also May 15! I’m about to take the second pill, but I’m having anxiety and have been looking for people who’ve experienced the same thing. I’m super nervous and I have less than 24 hours to take it
I just found out that I am currently 8 weeks pregnant. I saw the ultra sound and the heart beat of my baby. I am currently 22 years old living in an expensive small apartment with my boyfriend. He doesn’t want me to keep it.. but I want to. My mom offered to help us out and let us rent out her basement once she renovates it if we decide to keep it. He doesn’t wanna bring a child into this world yet because he can’t give it everything it deserves. It breaks my heart. I still don’t know what to do, there’s so much pressure.
im literally on the same boat as you right now. my appointment date for the abortion is on jan 27th, and im really dreading this long wait time. i feel like i’ll keep changing my mind until then. but deep down i know i was not prepared for this.
Almost three months postpartum here and having a pregnancy scare.. period is due soon so I’m going to take a test tomorrow and again afterwards. It’s crazy I was going to abort my baby that I just had last year around this EXACT SAME TIME. I love her so so much and am
Thankful to have kept her, but another one so soon just isn’t for me, if it is so.
Ladies, I’m here if you
Need to talk! Also if you decide to keep. Blessings to you all! <3
Jessica you have to think about you and no one else in this. You have the support of your family and that’s all you need. I hope you’re ok. Xx
I am 31 and always been pro-choice. Been married for about 8 years and financially stable but this pregnancy was completely out of the blue and we are not ready to say goodbye to “single” life. I’ve NEVER really wanted kids (always avoided social situations with kids including my own nieces and nephews)until I got pregnant (now almost 8 weeks) accidentally despite taking oral contraceptives consistently for more than a decade. I am getting surgical abortion tomorrow at a hospital. At least the silver lining of being pregnant unintentionally for the past few weeks is that it made me realize I actually want my own kid and also made my husband realize that too when he admitted he was way sadder that he thought he would be with termination of the pregnancy. We both are huge animal lovers and thought we would live out our lives with 3 cats and 2 dogs. So we plan to abort this one, use the next 6 months to travel, for me to eat as much sushi as I can and get it out of our system before starting to try again and prepare for a pregnancy.
I just want to share this so that no matter what situation / age/ emotion you are in, it’s completely up to you to decide and do what you’re most comfortable with instead of what society expects. Because you are the actual person who have to live with the decision.
Wow, never thought I would find something so relatable as I’ve been searching but this! This is almost me. Financially stable, loving relationship, never thought I would want to have kids and wanted it out of me as soon as possible and now a week later I’m certain I want one now. I can’t tell if it’s a change of mind or hormones or what. Just nice to have another perspective. Thanks for sharing
I’m at 11 weeks and am planning on going through with the same procedure. I was worried I’d be scared based on the things they have to do. Reading this post gave me hope and I definitely cried but realized it’s the best. Thank you for the comfort
I’m going through the same thing right now. I went today For ultrasound and was planning on getting the medication to take at home but I told the nurse I didn’t want to know how far I was only if I was in the time frame for the pill (10 weeks). She said I was a little bit over 10 weeks. so I can’t take the pill, I need the procedure which I go back for next week. I’m very scared and nervous and worried that it’s going to hurt, part of me wishes I didn’t have to make this decision but I’m struggling financially and already have two kids one of which has cerebral palsy. I feel it would be very selfish of me to bring another child into the world who I can’t provide for and selfish to my daughter.
I am 9 weeks close to 10, and I’ve contemplated a termination since the 1st week I found out (3 weeks). Though my boy friend wants me to keep the baby, I do not feel we are ready for that step. There is a lot of necessary growth that need to take place. I am heart broken because I have finally decided to do the procedure, and the reality is I want another child (I have one already) but I am in no shape or form ready for the change. Heartbroken, but I feel this is the best choice
I’m exactly where you are. I’m 9 weeks and I just called planned parenthood to make the appt for next Tuesday. I’m opting for the pill. I have 2 kids, a fiancé, and wanted a 3rd baby but just now wasn’t the time. I’m wondering if I’ll go through with it or not. I found out at 5 weeks and have literally done nothing for the last month. Sit on the couch and do nothing. Not even clean, my mans had to pick up all the slack. My kids love me though and I feel bad because they were both in my womb at one time…it just a horrible situation
I got it terminated 3 days back. I was 11 weeks and already have 2boys- 4 yr and 18months old…though I never wanted a 3rd child but this came as a surprise. I had spotting twice both months and I assumed it was my period.. my mother was hospitalized so just forgot to check my missed period. My husband kept on telling me not to abort but I was not ready to have another child as both kids keep me busy and I feel knackeredand husband has a travel oriented job..but post procedure I cried for almost very waking hour that I should ve not terminated this pregnancy.. I should’ve kept the baby. Just dont know why I didn’t feel all this before the procedure. I kept on thinking for days about terminating this one but post procedure I regret my decision. How can I ever forgive myself for this ?
I am in the same situation, uggh. I really don’t know what to do but I know that a decision needs to be made soon because I am 9 weeks/3 days. I don’t want to have the abortion be cause I’ve already had one before and I am scarred from that procedure.
Thank you for your post. This was so helpful for me to read. I just had an abortion yesterday at 9 weeks. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, he said he supported whatever decision I made and ultimately I decided the timing just wasn’t right for us. The food news is, this experience did make me want to be a Mom and my boyfriend realized he too wants to be a Dad but we would like to be married first and have that time together. And also be in a healthier place physically and more financially prepared. But today, I am having such a hard time. I can’t stop crying and I am feeling nothing but regret. I am 37 years old and have been on the pill for 20 years. This was totally unexpected and I wonder, what if I can’t get pregnant again? Will I be able to live with myself? I keep a journal and began writing all the reasons I made the choice I made but I wish I didn’t do it and don’t know how to release the sadness inside of me. My boyfriend is here but I think it’s hard for him to understand. Sometimes I think he is very sad too. If I had a crystal ball that said I could for sure get pregnant again when the timing was right, I would be in a much better place today. But of course, no one can predict the future. All I know is that having that baby now would have been very selfish. I haven’t been good to my body, I struggle with depression and we are usually working so hard to financially make ends meet and put food on the table for ourselves and 3 dogs. It wouldn’t be fair to bring a child into our lives right now. But I am devastated inside and feel so sad. The experience was also very painful for me and traumatic . I am holding on to the positive right now, which is for me, a new found motivation this situation gave me to work harder at being healthy, happy and financially stable to one day try again. Any advice on healing would be appreciated, I feel very alone and more depressed than ever. Thank you
Pray! Abortion is the best thing I decided not to do!! Almost did when I was going through problems with my boyfriend and got pregnant my daughter is so beautiful I think every day about her not being here if I had chose not to have her
Wow I needed to read your post. My husband and I have been together 10 years but only married 4 months and just found out this week we are Pregnant. I’ve been struggling because I never really wanted kids, and certainly not now…but being in this situation I keep feeling like “we could do this”. We just bought a new house and were supposed to be going on the trip of a lifetime in the Summer, but if we chose to do this it would obviously be cancelled…I felt like these are terrible trivial reasons not to go through with a pregnancy but we have been trying to look at it as “we can always do it later too…it doesnt have to be right now”.
I guess I’m just curious if you’ve had any major regrets
Wanted to share my story. When I found out I was pregnant I knew right then and there I wanted an abortion. My mind was set. Called the clinic they got me in within the week which I think makes it easier. Total we sat in the clinic for 4 hours until my procedure – payment, bloodwork, counselor, and I guess just some time to think about your decision. I did procedure without anesthesia. It took less than 5 minutes, a strong pinch some cramping and that was it. I left the facility in no pain, no bleeding… 3 days later I did have horrific pain actually went to the ER and my body was trying to pass a big blood clot (which is normal, of course I panicked cause the pain was that bad) I was down 2 days on pain meds. My abortion happened a year ago no regrets guess because I had my mind made up no thinking back and forth with my decision and I made an appt ASAP. Best of luck to everyone!!!
My boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant earlier this week, only a day or two late , but I think I kind of just knew but the confirmation shattered me. I’m 23 and we have an amazing life together, but we just aren’t quite ready to be parents. I had a medical abortion, and I don’t think it worked. My anxiety is horrible waiting to see if I need an in clinic one, as I don’t think I can mentally take this anymore and having to go back in because it didn’t work the first time.. I’m so beyond lost currently and I don’t know what to do, I’m already struggling with forgiving myself, let alone having to go through it all again if the pills didn’t work..
Unfortunately I have had 2 abortions in the past (5 and 8 years ago). My husband and I wanted to get pregnant and here I am. 9 weeks and absolutely miserable. I’m so scared of becoming a mom and how my life is going to change drastically. I don’t think I’m ready for it. But family and friends already know I’m pregnant and what will I tell them? I feel so ashamed but I am so depressed and can’t imagine feeling like this the rest of my pregnancy. Maybe I’m not meant to be a mom? I don’t know. My husband doesn’t know I’m contemplating abortion. I think he will support me in whatever I decide bc he knows we are finally strapped right now as well. And we are also moving out of state and trying to buy our first home. It’s all just so much. I’m so scared if I go through with the abortion I’ll regret it forever.
I really..appreciate your comment it’s really helpful to see that someone else is in a. I’m also getting ready to have my second abortion. I was actually on birth control (the ring) when I found out but it wasn’t working out, I had an appointment to switch to something else the week of me finding out. I feel terrible about my decision, which I have had sleepless nights, & major headaches on top of that being sick from being pregnant. I do want 1 child someday. Some of my immediate family & 2 friends know of mine also, which I’m unsure as to what to say to them. One of my close friends know about it and my decision, she’s supportive with whichever decision I make, even though she can’t relate. I have mixed feelings about this, because I think of the women who have trouble conceiving which makes me feel some type of way.
Do you have any advice that helped you that could possibly help me?
I’m on my way to get my first abortion this morning.. my nerves are getting the best of me and I feel as though my heart is going to jump out of my chest, but this post did help me on what I could expect so thank you for that.
How are you now?
I feel good. I don’t regret my decision. It was really hard at first but I’m doing better the first couple of weeks and even the first couple of months were hard, but now I’m in a better place and I’m feeling better
My boyfriend is pushing me to have an abortion. I don’t want to. I have health risks and I know it will be hard and high risk…especially since I am almost 36. But now I fear I am going to lose him. I just can’t make myself do it…I don’t think I could ever be okay with it or with him again. He said such horrible things though… I feel broken and confused.
Tricia henneman says
Hey do what’s your decision not his.
I am so sorry to hear that. I have had suicidal tendencies for the past several years and it’s the only reason my ex stayed in my life. I still love him but he stopped loving me some time ago. He refused to be in a relationship but would come over every couple of weeks. I found out a few weeks ago I was pregnant and I still don’t know what I’m doing, I’ve even been considering adoption. . I had an appointment this morning at planned parenthood for the pill and I cancelled it last minute. My ex initially acted like he wouldn’t push me to get an abortion but today I realized it’s just because he thought for sure I would go through with it. He said some nasty things to me today. I am your age and this is my first pregnancy so I understand where you are coming from on the age thing. I feel hurt and confused too and that’s why I was searching online. I honestly don’t know what the right decision is, but it sounds like you know for sure you don’t want to have an abortion. I hope you find the strength to do what you feel is right.
Hi girls, I’m 31 and I’ve had 4kids 1 abortion and today will be my second. With that being said my first birth was when I was 18 graduating prego . It’s was very supported but I had a hard time accepting that it not about you and your stuff /belonging I felt that u have to give up everything eventually: friends, going out, walking out the door is a whole task now u can’t grab your purse and go . I have a lot more to say but I’m emotional right now . If you have the choice or option remember your the one responsible for everything feeding bathing school laundry cooking hmwrk and going to work yourself. Stay strong for your own peace of mind!
It’s easier to say that since i am an outside party, but always do what is best for you, if he loves you he will be supportive and if not let him go. You wouldn’t want to make a decision and regret it later when you eventually part ways not that its going to happen but just think about all this. Hope this was helpful.
If he really loved you he wouldnt hurt you or make you feel that way no man has the right to tell you what to do especially if they dont know what its like to be in the position you are in. This is the time to give a lot of support and love. Especially being blessed with a baby. You need to search with in you and see what would be best for you and your little one. Do what you feel is right in your heart and remeber god is always there to help you. If you have supportive family and friends thats even better. Remeber you are a strong women dont let anyone ever make you feel less. Good luck to you
No name says
I enjoyed that response. I am 8 weeks and contemplating abortion because my boyfriend is strongly suggesting it. He says our relationship is not strong enough for a baby. I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship. It is really hard being a single mom . Now being 8 weeks, I am afraid to be a single mom to two kids. However, I expressed to my boyfriend that I didn’t want an abortion. As a result, He is not being supportive and is making it clear that he will not be here for me! Please help!
I’m going through the same. You’re not alone. I’m in a situation where I can afford to do it on my own so am kicking him to the curb hard, so this may be easier for me to say but I say go with your gut. Remember it is truly your body your choice, not his.
I’m going through that right now. I’m so confused, I don’t want to get an abortion, but I feel like I have to
It is your choice. You aren’t alone.
To see how much we can all relate to each other gives me hope. I personally don’t want an abortion, but my longtime boyfriend encourages it. I’m feeling pushed into doing so. Thus far I feel like I’m going to keep my baby but then there are days when he says the most harsh things to try to convince me to get rid of the baby. I’ll tell you one thing, situations like this truly bring out peoples true colors. Praying for us all, that we make the best decision for our lives.
I am currently going through the exact same thing with my boyfriend right now. I’m 22 he’s 23. He keeps making me feel like I’m ruining his life and that the best decision would be abortion. I personally wanna keep the baby but I feel pressured that if I do it’ll ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. Considering we are pretty rocky already.
I’m 25 years old and just found out I was pregnant on April fools day how ironic right. My appointment is a week from today and my anxiety is just taking over completely. I can’t go for long with out breaking down and crying and feeling like such a monster. I’m so grateful to have such a supportive husband and supports which ever decision I choose. Of course my husband and I want kids but I feel like right now is horrible timing. My husband is in the military and is getting deployed in less than two weeks to Afghanistan and I live on the other side of the country away from my family. My husband has missed out on so much through out the years. I just feel so selfish thinking about me and my husband first. I’m just so scared I keep going back and forth with my decision.
Hi, Im 33 and getting my first abortion this morning. Im really nervous…about the pain and the possibility of how I may feel emotionally afterwards. I already feel guilty, mainly because pregnancy is very preventable and we were not using protection even though we knew we couldn’t take on a 3rd child. On the other hand, I feel like I am making a selfless decision because I am putting my two children first, as well as this baby who deserves a quality of life. I cannot provide that right now. We are financially unstable, live in a bad neighborhood and I just want to get my kids out of here. Having another baby will keep us here even longer. Being a woman is so hard.
Anonymous Me says
I had 3 nine years ago and you have no idea how miserable I am. It changed me completely, I went from being a happy person to an angry, moody individual who snaps at everyone for no reason. There are times I feel like a dead person walking on this Earth.
I currently found out I’m pregnant with my 3rd. I’m 25 and finally had applied to nursing school. This was a peak moment for me, until the pregnancy test showed me those two lines confirming what I had thought. I know this is my fault for not using birth control, which makes me awful for wanting an abortion. I look at my two precious boys, one is 3 and the other turns 1 this month, and I cant imagine my life without them and if I had decided to abort them. This is such a hard decision for me. I’m already not myself with two boys so close in age, and I know having a third will make me have the same emotions described above. I feel selfish for wanting to go to school. But we currently live in a two bedroom 800 square foot home. We really are not prepared for a third. My husband doesnt like the idea of abortion, but he’s the one that is able to leave for 9 hours a day and take a “break” so to call it from this hectic life.
You can only take care of yourself. if you can’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of a baby. the best thing is to be established so you don’t have to rely on anybody. you’ll make the right choice. I’m totally against them, but I’m getting one today and I’m really scared but I know it’s the right thing, and God is going to give the baby to somebody who really wants it. you’ll be okay
What did you end up doing?
I’m Having An Abortion Monday I’m So Scared && Idk How Tf To Feel Honestly. My Mom Died And The Only Support System I Have Is My Grandma My Uncle And Brothers My Uncle And Grandma Bash Me The Most About The Whole Situation But I’m Pretty Sure They Mean Any Harm They Just Want To See Me Do Good In Life && My Dad Is Some What In My Life . The Guy That Got Me Pregnant He’s 22 I’m 23 We Both Are Still Young . He Want To Keep It But Both Of Us Isn’t Financially Stable And Plus He Has 2 Felony’s And Hes On Probation Very Controlling Also Him And My Brother Got In An Huge Fight All Because Of Me And My Emotions . Also I Just Got An Really Good Job And I’m Not Trying To Fuck It Up . But I Feel Like If I Was To Keep This Baby Things Wouldn’t Go The Way As we Planned Also I Feel Like Phisically && Mentally My Body Is Not Ready For This Stress . && im Ignoring All His Phone Calls && Text Because I Told Him It Would Be Best For Us To Just Focus On Our Self And Future . I Really Hate I Have To Do This It Really Hurt Me To My Soul But I Pray To God For Forgiveness Every Single Day . && If I Was To Go Back In Time And Would Have Listened To My Grandma About This Guy I Wouldn’t Be In This Situation Right Now . But I Hope My God Be With Me Through This && You As Well I Hope This Helped . God Bless
I feel like that a hallow woman. I only had one. My heart is broken. I grieve for my baby each day. My partner wasnt nice. Said a lot of hurtful things and never apologized for leaving me alone when I had no one .
Sending Love to you Lisa.
Hi my name is sam* I am 27 years old and I have 2 kids. A son who is 9 a daughter just 9 months. I found out I was pregnant because I was sick and when I went to emergency they took a urine sample and confirmed it. I was puzzled, confused and I thought abortion immediately because my baby is 9 months old. I am picking up my paperwork today then my appt will be tomorrow for the procedure. I’m kind of nervous but I feel sick, no energy and I don’t want my family to find out it get curious. I’ve been tired not wanting to eat and very nauseous everyday i hate it! I’m about 6,7 weeks along so still very early and it’s whats best.
Hey I’m 27 I’m pregnant again my second child went to a abortion clinic Wednesday I choose not to keep the baby cause I’m going thru enough right now i made 10 Weeks I couldn’t take the pill so I have to do Surgical abortion I’m kinda scared cause this my first time doing
I’m 18 a mother to one already less than 1 year old. I was taking the pill on and off, and my proscription was being sent all over to different pharmacies I am now currently 8-9 weeks. I am very scared. I have my first appointment tomorrow because I am not planning to keep this baby with the current situation I am in financially and mentally. I’m really scared that I might need surgery because I may be too far along to take the set of tablets. Can some one please comment and tell me what I need to expect if this is the case? I feel terrible ending a pregnancy, but I know it wouldn’t be fair on having two babies just months apart. thanks
I’m so glad I found this post I’ve been googling so many things to make my self feel a little better..I’m scared of the procedure but I’m mostly scared of regretting it after I have a baby who barely turned one and it was hard because I don’t really have family it’s just me and my bf and I had a c section with my son now I’m pregnant 7 weeks and we think it’s not the best time because we have struggled so much with my son and we feel like we are barely taking a breather Thankyou for sharing I wish they would let my bf go in with me but they already told me I have to go alone just get dropped off and picked up I really don’t know what to expect but after this post I feel some sort of comfort that it’s going to be ok and that it’s not a right or wrong choice I just never saw my self doing this…
I have 2 kids already so when I found out I was pregnant again I decided abortion right away bc it’s already a struggle with these 2 and my baby just turned 6 months. Their dad is the apple of their lives but we are still young and I think 2 children is enough right now. I get really sad thinking about it bc I considered abortion with my second child and I look at her now and think how could I ever think to hurt such a beautiful person???? I go Thursday for my abortion and I really hope I can move on from it and not feel any sadness after words and I hope God will forgive me ?
Hello… you wrote how I feel perfectly. I haven’t made my apt because I’ve been going back & forth for weeks now but I plan to tomorrow. How do you feel now a month later?
I’m 19, almost 20 & I’m about 10 weeks along. My fiancé & I initially wanted to keep the baby & we were excited when we found out I was pregnant. But at about 6 weeks or so, I started experiencing severe nausea that eventually turned into vomiting at least 10 times a day. As weeks progressed, I was vomiting about 20 times a day & was unable to hold any food or water down. I weighed 155 pounds prior to getting pregnant & now I’m at 130. Completely bedwridden. I ended up finding out that I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which isn’t morning sickness, it’s much worse. My parents don’t know anything at all & it’s been very hard & stressful hiding it from them. I’ve taken medication to ease the nausea & vomiting, but nothing seems to be working. My fiancé was hurt seeing me without enough energy to move or get out of bed. I couldn’t even shower. My abortion is at 9:30.. My fiancé & I aren’t the happiest about this decision, but this pregnancy is hurting my body in so many different ways. It truly feels like I’m dying. Sounds dramatic, but this sickness is unbearable & makes me rethink my decision on ever getting pregnant again in the future. I’m not so much afraid of getting this procedure done. I just wish I wasn’t put in the position of having to get it done.
Keishla Garcia says
I’m in the same position as you the only difference is that I started the pregnancy at 105 pounds and I am now 94 pounds because of the sever nauseas and vomiting. How was your procedure and how you feel now?
Iam 9 weeks pregnant since day one been so sick nausiated vomitimg stomach pains back pains i started ro bleed on n off past 3 weeks ending up in the ER rooms 2 times a week i had 2 blood clots and said it was threatened miscarrage had ultrasound down and all was good at 7 weeks and 5 days the nausia and pains started to get worse i knew something isnt right and its like my body was trying to reject the pregnancy when i was just over 7 weeks my HCG levels werr 138989 and 4 days later got another blood test and it dropped ro 109000 ended up in ER room again with pains in back n stomach where i couldnt stand they did ultrasound and said the heart rate had dropped below 100 and it looks like it will be a miscarrage iam now 9 weeks and booked in to get termination of pregnancy done as its not looking good and my body is so tired of the pains and bleeding on n off i know after this i do not want to go through this again as its my 5th time and all times ended in miscarrages i have told my self its not meant to ne and i dont want to put my body through the emotioms and physical pain anymore i know im making the right decision to end the pregnancy but it is still upsetting and hurtful
Im sorry you are going thru such a hard time.
I just found out I’m pregnant. I’m 19 almost turning 20 and I’m so scared. I have 2 uteruses and I go to the doctor Monday to see if I’m even able to carry a baby because of my 2 uteruses. I’m so scared right now, it doesn’t even feel real that I’m pregnant. Thankfully I have loving and supporting parents and a loving fiance who supports me through everything. But this is my first kid and im not sure where to go with my decision. I’m just overall scared.
I’m supposed to have an abortion in 2 days and I have a lot of problems with anxiety…just going to the doctors office scares me and I’ve never even been to a gyno….I’m so scared and nervous about the procedure I have nightmares and wake up in the morning in a panic attack…I really hope it’s not as bad as I’m making it seem and I just want it to be over. I also just read that they put shots in your cervix???? I am completely terrified.
I’m going for mine in just a few days I am way older than y’all 40 and have 2 kids. There is no way I am having another kid. I should have been more careful with my partner. I’m just so uncomfortable bloated the whole tender boob thing and lack of energy. So ready for it to be done. This won’t be my first time when I was younger around y’all’s age I got one. The pain is tolerable and you heal and get over it. Definitely take Ibuprofen and a pillow and blanket for after. The surgical abortion is way better than the pill or medical abortion because surgical or suction you don’t have the major terrible cramps and bleeding you get with a medical or pill abortion. The numbing injection in your cervix that was a little bit of a bitch especially the left side. So this time I can prepare myself and know what to expect. Over time you can forget and definitely be forgiving of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up at all. You can still have a child but when you and your partner are ready. These days it’s so hard to to afford yourself let alone a child. And a child is a lifetime so be easy on yourself.
Thank you so much for this ?? It was helpful to hear someone who has healed and forgiven themselves because I’m wondering if I will ever be able to. Again thank you, your comment was very helpful.
I am having surgical abortion tomorrow. although I am 31, I am a newbie regarding all this stuff cos I never think to have kids (never interested to ask my pregnant friends or colleagues) and I am always on the pill (until it failed, of course). I found out I was pregnant cos I was late and found out that I am 7 weeks pregnant. I went to see 2 ob-gyns in the last few days to get different opinions and finally decided on surgical over medication for termination because as I work full time.
Thank you very much for the tip to bring bring blanket and pillow!
I am 22 right now waiting at planned parenthood to get my own abortion. I’m almost exactly as far along as you were so I feel very close to this post. I just wanted to say thank you for giving me some comfort right now when I’m alone here and nearvously googling answers about this whole procedure
I’m 14 and I’ll be around 9 weeks when I get the abortion done. My mom’s going In with me I’m nervous just about the needles and shots and if it’s gonna hurt I can tolerate pain for the most part I’m just nervous.
I hope everything went well. You are only 14 and you have so much to live and enjoy life with so many possibilities!!! Never regret any decision you make. Whatever happens, make the best out of it! Good luck!
I got an abortion at 14 too and didn’t regret it. Hope everything went well! It was the best decision I made and I wouldn’t have the life I do now if I hadn’t gone through with it.
Reading people’s stories about there abortion and How we almost have the same experience makes the healing process a little easier . I was 13 weeks 5 days when i had my surgicalabortion at planned parent hood the procedure itself was 10 minutes but i stayed in a room waiting for about two hours where they gave me some pills to open the cervix . My initial thought finding out that i was pregnant was absolute shock, at the same time it was naive of me to even feel that way because i never used protection. Being 19 and pregnant wasn’t something i had planned for myself. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and he was very supportive as well of whatever my choice would be and that helped so much. I did plan on keeping the baby… but it hit me that being a mom at my age wasn’t something that i could do .. not because i couldn’t and didn’t care but because my life isn’t on the right track yet, I’m not where i want to be and i couldn’t stand the thought bringing a beautiful baby into the world and struggle.after the abortion i cried my eyes out for a while. There’s times i feel guilty seeing people who can’t have kids and then there’s me who could’ve had one and didn’t. It’s very hard to tell anyone this. My parents never even found out and that’s the hardest thing for me because we’re really close but they never noticed. There’s honestly not a day that goes by where i don’t think about what i could’ve had. I do try to remind myself that it was the best decision for where I’m at right now to do. I don’t regret it but i can’t stop my thoughts either.
Hey I am 19 myself and I found out I was pregnant I was taking the pills but I didn’t take them
On time how I was suppose to now the only option I have is the surgical abortion I am so scared lol does it really hurts!!?
Hi Julie, If you have a Crisis Pregnancy resource in your area I would recommend you contact them. They often have post abortion care, the effects can last a lifetime. Many times women do don’t even realize the long term emotional effects. I will pray for you.
Some one help me iam preganat and tommarw have an abortion and soo scared that iam goin to die i want to do it but then i dont i need advice wat to do . I need help iam soo scared because i already have kids and with another one we cant do it
Having one on monday and i feel like you. How did it go? Im so scared.