The Pain That Doesn’t Seem to Get Better

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Note: The Exhale Pro-Voice After-Abortion Stories Hub includes people’s stories of their experiences and emotions, exactly as they have written them in. We do not edit these stories at all, and the content that follows this message is exactly as we received it. We know that people’s experiences are complex, and these stories reflect the many emotions they may be feeling after their abortions. From relief to grief, and everything in between, and all at the same time, we’re here for you.

Submitted by: Kailey

Hi I’m Kailey. I’m 19 years old, and I wanted to share my story for anyone going through something similar. I recently had an abortion done a month ago, and honestly I didn’t think it was going to be nearly as hard as it was.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 4 and a half weeks. It crossed my mind that I had a uti and might’ve been getting sick from it as I felt urinary symptoms, pain nausea etc. I went to my local urgent care to get it checked out. After waiting there for 10 hours, they just took urine sample and sat me in the waiting room.

As you could assume I was extremely moody I got mad and left the hospital. I hoped to call my family doctor to get some antibiotics prescribed without waiting anymore. After going to the pharmacy I was in the wendy’s drive thru and I got a call from the hospital asking why I left. I began ranting to them about how angry I was with the staff and how I was treated there. She stopped me and told me I will need to follow up with my family doctor.

I asked why and she said “Your pregnancy test is positive”. I was so shocked I put the phone on speaker and told her to repeat herself so my boyfriend could hear. We both just looked at eachother and I broke down in tears. I was thinking about how there was a growing living baby in my stomach and I had no idea. It was the scariest most surreal night of my life. The surrealness stuck around the whole time I was pregnant.

My boyfriend was extremely scared and he did not want to carry on with the pregnancy. I was unsure about what I wanted to do the whole time I was pregnant if I’m being honest, but his fear inclined me more towards the abortion route. Every day I felt sick and I wanted to do absolutely nothing. I couldn’t think about anything thoroughly because I was just so shocked. I made the rash decision to get a surgical abortion just two weeks after finding out I was pregnant (6 weeks 1 day along the day of the procedure).

Because of Covid-19 I had my abortion alone and it was terrifying. The week after my abortion I didn’t feel hardly any emotion because I had no idea how to process what had just happened. I didn’t even come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant before I had an abortion. I thought it would be an easy process but it’s not at all.

Every day, I find myself regretting what I did and feeling so selfish. I think of what it could have been. I have flash backs and imagine if I carried on with my pregnancy. Often I wonder if it was a girl or a boy. I try to grieve and I can’t let myself because I blame myself for what happened. My question for anyone who’s gone through this is, how do you come to terms with it? What are some of the ways you help yourself grieve? I was thinking of making a memory box, but again I feel selfish doing that. It’s so fresh as well that maybe time will heal more.

Also just because I felt like maybe it was the wrong idea. I’m so grateful to have the option of what I want to do with my body and I’m so grateful I found this website to read and listen to what other women experienced.

If you are reading this and feel similar to how I do, we are strong and we will get through this ?

You deserve nonjudgmental
after-abortion support.

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3 responses to “The Pain That Doesn’t Seem to Get Better”

  1. Leslie

    Hi Kailey, sending hugs. I have found that it being a year after I had my abortion, I still think about it. What has helped me is writing my feelings down in a journal. Also, spending time alone in nature and just breathing has helped me. I have cried many times and still tear up, for example when reading your story. I was pregnant at 19 and have a 9 year old daughter and then had my abortion last year at the age of 28. Just know, There is no right or wrong choice , you do what is best for you. Sending you healing energy.

  2. Sarah Clayton

    Hey Kailey

    Sending you big hugs. Everything thought and feeling you’ve had. I have had. It’s okay to wonder what would have been. Its okay to feel sad. I know the decision I made was the right one for me, but it doeant mean it was easy, or that I still don’t get sad about it. Reading other women’s experiences really helps. It brings up emotions I was feeling but couldn’t pin point or describe. It’s just really comforting. You’re going to be okay. Sending you lots of love.

    1. Emma

      Hey, I’m your age and I literally went through the same exact thing that you did last year, the only difference was I found out at 20 weeks. Sending you love. ❤️

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