Submitted by: K L
I have had two abortions on separate occasions.
My first time, I was 23 in 2017. It was with a man that I had just started dating and our condom broke one night. We thought nothing of it. I became really sick and took a pregnancy test at urgent care as a precaution. They wanted to give me medication, but pregnant women can’t to take most medications without it hurting the baby. Turns out that it was positive and I was pregnant.
I told the man I was dating and he was shocked. He bolted out of my house, drove home and didn’t talk to me for a full week. He later revealed that he wasn’t ready to be a father yet. And I definitely was not ready to be a mother at 23. Even though everyone around me that was my age was doing it, I didn’t feel comfortable bringing a child into this world. I was unprepared, especially in the town we were living in — I absolutely hated it.
We decided to get an abortion, I got the vacuum and it felt painful. I cried the entire time, feeling absolute regret about what I was doing to myself. Later on, I no longer feel as much regret because I learnt that the my first baby’s father, wasn’t going to stick around no matter what. He dumped me out of the blue, 2 years later. I realized he would not have been a great choice as a father. I definitely would’ve had to raise the child by myself, get full custody from him and work 24/7 just to feed my kid. That’s how I grew up with my mom. As amazing as she is, I don’t want that for any of my babies. As much as I miss my first baby, they will always remain in my heart, no matter what.
I got pregnant for a second time in 2020 at the beginning of COVID when EVERYTHING was scary. My current partner and I had finally moved in together just before quarantine hit, and we ended up accidentally getting pregnant quickly after a very drunken night. The two of us just started new jobs, we were living with and taking care of his elderly parents as well. We had just moved in together and hadn’t really found our groove yet.
The idea of bringing a baby into this world at the height of the pandemic scared us. I didn’t want to lose the baby to COVID and giving birth by myself. My partner was scared of losing me and the baby to COVID. I scheduled the abortion at 8 weeks and took the pill.
We stayed home together while I had contractions and bled everything out in one huge go. I’m afraid at one point, I may have seen pieces of my second baby going through me and I still feel mortified of it to this day. I was in so much pain and I hated myself so much for it. But we weren’t sure of how everything was going to turn out with COVID, nor did we expect to buy a house that needs renovations.
I got on the pill right after my abortion so I could avoid another “slip up”. On the plus side, it’s been helping me regulate my hormones for the last few years. But there are too many days where I miss my babies and wish I was waking up their smiling faces. Too many days where my birth control makes me miss a period and I get false hope (and false anxiety lol) on possibly being pregnant.
I gave my babies names to help myself heal from their passing. My first baby is named Ryleigh and my second baby is named Kiernan. It feels better in my heart to give them names. They were an important part of me, and always will be. I still have their ultrasound picture to this day and I look at them occasionally when I feel the need.
Now that we’re settled and talking about our future, my partner is more comfortable around the idea of having children. He would prefer us to take care of our house, our health, and finances first before we plan for a baby. I know babies don’t come planned like that, but the next time I get pregnant will probably be the first time I go through with it. I don’t think I have the strength to have a 3rd abortion. The first two were already damaging to my mental health. I hope that when I finally become pregnant, it will be at the better time than the first two.
I’m sorry if my story seemed dark. I hope it brings others some clarity about how they feel post abortion.